When Penn State joined the Big Ten many of our traditional rivalries went by the wayside. We don't play West Virginia anymore. We don't play Rutgers or Syracuse. We hang on to Temple, but c'mon. We played Pitt for a few years, but economics have gotten in the way of that once great traditionally easy win.

We've been looking for a new rival ever since. We've turned toward Ohio State and Michigan, but truthfully we're the third wheel there. Maybe even the fourth or fifth wheel in their eyes. They hate each other so much we're just a nuisance on their radar screen. So alone we drift though the Big Ten and college football landscape without an evil foe to take down. We are a ying without a yang. We're Magic without a Bird. We're Itchy without a Scratchy.

Michigan State was in a similar situation to us when we joined the Big Ten back in the early 90's. They considered Michigan their biggest rival. Some would say they still do. George Perles tried to fabricate a rivalry with Joe Paterno. But you can't form a rivalry with a handshake. You can't just decide to hate another team. Hate is like a fine bottle of wine. It ferments over the years. The conditions must be perfect to form a mentality where you enjoy seeing your rival suffer. No sir, you can't form a rivalry with a handshake, but that's what Perles and Paterno did. They made a trophy and everything. The Land Grant Trophy.

It's big, it's ugly, it's ours.

Look at this piece of crap. It's so huge it takes two 300 pound linemen to carry it around. It takes up two seats on the plane to East Lansing. It has shelves. SHELVES! There's a walk-in closet in the back. And are those pictures on the side? I've never seen a trophy with a photo album on it. And the thing on top looks like a bowling trophy. It's easily the dumbest trophy ever conceived. But you know what? I want it. It's lived in Happy Valley for the past three years. When they take it off the shelf of the trophy case, or pick it up off the floor with a forklift, there will be a clean spot surrounded by dust where it rested. And after the game I want it returned so we don't have to call the maid on Monday morning.

No sir, you can't form a rivalry with a handshake. But at some point someone somewhere has to be the first to look across the fence at their neighbor and feel hate. So why not here? Why not now? I'll go ahead and be the first. I hate Michigan State.

But Mike, you say, that's not right. We're Penn State. We don't hate people. That's not classy. Is it not righteous for good to hate evil? Does God not hate Satan? Did Churchill not hate Hitler? Am I the only one that remembers them planting the flag in South Bend? Am I the only one who remembers them brawling with Illinois when they tried to do the same thing to the Spartans in East Lansing? Or standing on guard last year after they blew the game against Notre Dame expecting the Irish to return the favor? They have no honor. They have no class. They are evil.

Image from The M Zone

I can't tell you how much I enjoyed denying them their sixth win and a trip to a bowl game in 2000, 2004 and 2005. Even during the dark years when Penn State sucked, we still had Michigan State as our "little brother". With only four wins in 2000 and nothing to play for we denied Sparty a trip to a bowl game with a 42-23 win. Again with nothing to play for in 2001 we beat them 42-37. Oh how we watched with glee as Larry Johnson rushed for 279 yards in the first half in 2002. They got lucky with a win in 2003 over a 3-9 Penn State team that didn't care anymore. But we got our revenge in 2004 and 2005 sticking Sparty on five wins and leaving them home for the holidays.

Eat That Sparty!

I enjoy watching them implode. Penn State can lose, but as long as Michigan State loses too it's still a good day. John L. Smith was a blogger's wet dream. From throwing his assistant coaches under the bus on national television to slapping himself after blowing a huge second half lead against Notre Dame. The man was a loser, and he exemplified everything Michigan State stands for. I was saddened when they let Smith go, but it appears Dantonio may be just as stupid as Smith was.

Hey, did I ever tell you how to get a Michigan State grad off of your porch? You pay them for the pizza. People who can't get into Penn State go to Pitt. If you can't get into Pitt you go to Michigan State. That's how bad they are. It's true you can use your Michigan State diploma as a handicap sticker in Michigan. Oh, and have you ever seen Michigan State women? They're so fat they have to keep dollars in one pocket and euros in the other. They're so fat when they go to the beach the tide comes in. Oh, and like Michigan State's graduate program, they're really easy.

I hate Michigan State. I hope they lose. And I don't just want to win. I hope we destroy them by 60 points. I hope the loss is so disappointing they don't get invited to a bowl game. And I hope when they watch us play in our bowl they remember it was because of us they're getting fat on fruit cake instead of playing football.

No sir, you can't start a rivalry with a handshake, but you have to start somewhere. Let this be the place. Let this be the time. Feel the hate with me.