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The Hate Manual: Texas Longhorns

We made it.  The five-game stretch we were all fearing at the beginning of the season is over, and Penn State is still undefeated.  Good time for a bye week.  Everyone connected to the football program has two or three days to take a deep breath and concentrate on other things.  Coaches can do a little recruiting.  Players can unwind. 

As for the rest of us?  We can turn our attention to the fine art of hating.

Chappelleplayerhatersbasi8_medium

We'll start at the top of the list with the Texas Longhorns.

Star-divide


Who are these douchebags?

They're 8-0, score metric assloads of points, have a likely Heisman winner at quarterback, and wear swanky burnt orange uniforms.  They're 93-17 since 2000.  Their mascot is Matthew McConaghey.  What's not to hate? 

If they stay undefeated, can Penn State catch them in the rankings?

Heavens, no.  We need them to lose. 

Okay, is that even possible?

Well, sure, but it'll probably have to happen this week.  The Longhorns travel to that metropolitan oasis, Lubbock, Texas, to take on unbeaten Texas Tech.  Points?  Yes, Virginia, there will be plenty of points.  If Texas can make it past the Red Raiders, they finish with the following:

11/08 Baylor TBA
11/15 @ Kansas TBA
11/27 Texas A&M 8:00 PM

Then, of course, there's the Big 12 Championship Game on December 6 at Arrowhead Stadium in Kansas City.  Since we'll likely be in need of some serious shenanigans if Texas is still undefeated at that point, let's go with this -- Kansas City, early December, at 7 p.m.  Blizzard, maybe?  Would that help?

As for their opponent in the championship game, we have to hope for  Kansas or a rematch against Missouri.  Mizzou is probably the better team of the two, but they didn't exactly fare well against the Longhorns a few weeks ago.  Given the remaining schedules of Missouri, Kansas, and Nebraska (all currently at 2-2 in the conference), the likely Big 12 North winner is Missouri.

Am I overlooking the rivalry game against Texas A&M?  Partially.  They're awful this season, but let's not forget that while Texas was running up that ridiculous win/loss record noted above, they've lost two consecutive games to some rather sloppy Aggie teams.

How does Penn State match up with them?

Surprisingly well, at first glance.  We'd certainly be a 7+ point underdog.  Still, it's a team that Penn State may able to contain.  Texas uses a short passing game as its primary method of moving the ball, and that plays a bit into Tom Bradley's hands.  It's the old "bend but don't suck" defense, hopefully featuring sure tackling, zone discipline, and punishing wide receivers at every given opportunity.  Lost in all the hype surrounding Colt McCoy is the fact that he's rushed for a ton of yards this season.  He's no statue back there.

Offensively, Penn State probably has an advantage in the running game.  Texas just played their best opponent to date, Oklahoma State, and there seem to be a few chinks in the armor beginning to show:

Texas gave up 217 rushing yards against Oklahoma State, by far the worst performance of the season (145 yards allowed against UTEP), but 66 yards below their season average. Far more distressing were the missed tackles (12) and yards allowed after those missed tackles (125, nearly one-third of the Oklahoma State offense).

Something to keep in mind.  If the teams actually meet, prepare for the inevitable avalanche of articles asking if PSU can ditch the Spread HD tendencies and keep the ball away from McCoy by running the ball whenever possible.

Perhaps more encouraging is the apparent problem with special teams in Austin:

Both phases of the kickoff game have been less than stellar this season. [BON's Peter Bean] raised the question of whether Quan Cosby should be back returning punts and kicks, supporting his position with statistical evidence and concluding that Texas needs more playmaking on special teams. With Cosby rarely coming off the field on offense and starting to look fatigued, the case is stronger than ever to replace him as kick returner. Taking out Shipley's 96-yarder against OU and replacing it with the current average (24.4 yards per return) places Texas at 21.4 yards per return, which would place them in the low 60's nationally. With Curtis Brown playing well on defense and special teams, it's time to give him a chance on kickoff returns.

The kickoff game has been an unmitigated failure the last several weeks, leaving Texas 104th nationally and allowing 24 yards per return, a figure that doesn't even take into account the field position lost with the intentional short and high kicks the last several weeks.

And how fitting would it be if Penn State, under Joe Paterno, went into one last national championship game against a premier program, and had to use the tried and true Paterno formula of defense, special teams, and please offense, don't screw this up?

Seriously, the chance that Texas will lose?

Not terribly likely, as Texas has clearly been the best team since the beginning of the season.  You may be better off pinning your hopes on Alabama's SEC Championship opponent, but hey, weird things happen at the end of the college football season.

(Late Update: Phil Steele takes a second helping of Hater Tots and calls for a Texas Tech victory.)

 

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2 recs  |  Comment 47 comments |

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The “Hate Manuel” gives us an oppurtunity to hate on a diversary of markass marks, trickass marks, punk bitches, and skip skaps, skanks, and scallywags…hoes, heffers, he ha’s, and hulyhoops

by Lion Alum on Oct 29, 2008 1:14 PM EDT reply actions   1 recs

You have no idea...

…how long I searched for YouTube video of that skit.

by Run Up The Score on Oct 29, 2008 1:26 PM EDT up reply actions   0 recs

who's

Manuel?

For the glory

by lionalum05 on Oct 29, 2008 1:47 PM EDT up reply actions   0 recs

isn't he

the manager of the Phillies?

GO PHILS! PENNSYLVANIA TWO-FER . . . . PHILLIES WORLD SERIES CHAMPIONS – PSU NCAA FOOTBALL NATIONAL CHAMPIONS

"the secret to loving your job is having a hobby that you really despise"

by nitwit86 on Oct 29, 2008 1:55 PM EDT up reply actions   0 recs

You'll have to excuse me...

I’m gonna go put water in Buck Nasty’s Mack Brown’s Mama’s dish.

by HookMania on Oct 29, 2008 1:17 PM EDT reply actions   1 recs

that's the best part

"It was an attrition football game and you know we like that."

by showtime on Oct 29, 2008 8:44 PM EDT up reply actions   0 recs

hatehatehatehatehatehatehate

Mack Brown’s shirt is made out of 100% rat ass

by psuphiman80 on Oct 29, 2008 1:44 PM EDT reply actions   0 recs

Good stuff, RUTS

Though I sure as hell hope you’re right, at least from a probabilities perspective, Texas’ odds of winning its next four (@ Tech, BU, @ KU, A&M, n-B12T) are about 35% using reasonably optimistic win % projections.

Of course, the one for PSU fans to watch closest is Saturday night’s tussle in Lubbock; it’s Texas’ fourth straight game against a Top 10 team, Lubbock is the Bermuda Triangle of CFB, and we’re running on empty as fans. I can only imagine how gassed the players must feel.

One final thought: Though a Texas Tech win would be best for PSU, if the Red Raiders were to subsequently win out, they’d be a good candidate to jump someone for a national title game berth.

--PB--

by Peter Bean on Oct 29, 2008 1:49 PM EDT reply actions   0 recs

To be honest...

…if Tech wins all of their remaining games, they should be allowed to skip the Big 12 Championship Game entirely. They’ll have earned it.

by Run Up The Score on Oct 29, 2008 1:51 PM EDT up reply actions   0 recs

Not to mention

if TTU wins, we can hate on them too.

by Screen Name 20 on Oct 29, 2008 2:16 PM EDT up reply actions   0 recs

So...

If Texas wins out, should they get an excused absence from the Big 12 Title game as well?

by orangeblood1 on Oct 31, 2008 4:59 PM EDT up reply actions   0 recs

One problem

Arrowhead’s field is heated and drains like a mofo. They’ll have their footing, but maybe they’ll get alligator arms in the “diverse continental” climate of my adopted home city.

I’m going to have to learn a cold and windy weather dance and start performing ASAP.

by Cairo on Oct 29, 2008 1:57 PM EDT reply actions   0 recs

Open air stadiums in December in the Midwest suck

As a person who attended the last Big 12 Championship in Arrowhead I can verify for the possiblity of an all out blizzard occuring or at least it being too flipping cold to actually have percipitation in the air. It may not be much to those in the upper eastcoast, but Texas fans, and probably players, will be freezing their nuts off.

by Doc1028 on Oct 29, 2008 3:16 PM EDT up reply actions   0 recs

I recall

It was crap weather for the Gameday crew at Arrowhead. Overcast and blowing snow. They looked miserable out there. It’s funny since it was probably the only truly bad weather day in December in the city. If the game has national title implications again, I’m hoping for a repeat.

Speaking of cold: November 19, 2011 Penn State at Minnesota in their new open-air stadium. Ouch.

by Cairo on Oct 29, 2008 4:10 PM EDT up reply actions   0 recs

Nice

I wholeheartedly endorse this line of hating. I propose we make this a regular feature. In the offseason we can just pick random teams like Ball State and Eastern Michigan. They’ll never know what hit them.

by BSD on Oct 29, 2008 2:04 PM EDT reply actions   1 recs

Or

The worst thing to hit Idaho since the great potato famine

by blogue20 on Oct 29, 2008 2:14 PM EDT up reply actions   0 recs

Ball State and Eastern Michigan?

They never know what hits them anyway.

by jimbo2psu on Oct 29, 2008 3:08 PM EDT up reply actions   0 recs

FYI...

Ball State is 8-0 and ranked #16 in the BCS poll… I think they are doing some of the hitting this year

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

by TheMightyErik on Oct 29, 2008 6:14 PM EDT up reply actions   0 recs

Let's Get it Started in Here

Oh, I hate me some Eastern Michigan. Buncha trickass marks, them iggles is. And what the hell is Ypsilanti?

pax et amor

by jtothep on Oct 29, 2008 3:08 PM EDT up reply actions   0 recs

Indeed.

It was paired with Diversity, another old wooden ship, in the San Diego bay.

by Screen Name 20 on Oct 29, 2008 3:34 PM EDT up reply actions   0 recs

Mark-ass wooden ships

punk bitch skip skaps.

pax et amor

by jtothep on Oct 29, 2008 3:36 PM EDT up reply actions   0 recs

I hate all of michigan

bunch’a skip skaps

"It was an attrition football game and you know we like that."

by showtime on Oct 29, 2008 8:47 PM EDT up reply actions   0 recs

I would laugh at Ypsilanti whenever I drive by it

but I’m usually too busy flipping off all the signs for Ann Arbor around there (and fruggin scUM license plates)

by The JuggerNitt on Oct 30, 2008 11:32 AM EDT up reply actions   0 recs

Best. segment. ever.

John Madden told me 90% of the game was half-mental...

by TheK-GunNeedsReloaded on Oct 29, 2008 10:02 PM EDT up reply actions   0 recs

Gotta Love Silky!

" We need MORE cowbell !"

by BlueWhiteLife on Oct 29, 2008 2:10 PM EDT reply actions   0 recs

Hate, hate, hate, hate, hate

While we’re at it, you might as well invite Alabama, and as a preemptive strike, Oklahoma, Florida and USC to the playa hata’s ball.

by Screen Name 20 on Oct 29, 2008 2:22 PM EDT reply actions   0 recs

Invitations are in the mail.

There’s a long way to go before our next game.

by Run Up The Score on Oct 29, 2008 2:22 PM EDT up reply actions   0 recs

That picture of Joe

That must have been right after his hopsitalization for dehydration last winter. I remember he flew to Texas the next day to honor Mack Brown. He looks pretty good there.

by BSD on Oct 29, 2008 2:26 PM EDT reply actions   0 recs

Actually

I think it was right before he whooped Mack Brown’s ass in that arm wrestling contest.

by jimbo2psu on Oct 29, 2008 3:17 PM EDT up reply actions   0 recs

To push the "motion"...

I’d like to send RUTS a commerative Silky Johnson fur coat & cane…for this awesome post…

…all in fav’a..!

" We need MORE cowbell !"

by BlueWhiteLife on Oct 29, 2008 2:34 PM EDT reply actions   0 recs

Aye!

Also, and I hate to do this, but it benefits a PSU alum — my friend’s band (The Loveblisters) is in the final four in a contest for a treasure chest of prizes (“$10,000 of professional gear of your choosing. Top of the line equipment—brand names like Fender, Sabian, and Ampeg. Plus a professionally produced, shot, and edited video.”)

You can win $5,000 for voting. Today is the very last day of voting, so if you feel like putting them over the top and helping out a big PSU fan, please get to it.

(He didn’t ask me to plug this here, just doing a semi-anonymous favor.)

by Run Up The Score on Oct 29, 2008 3:01 PM EDT up reply actions   0 recs

Done and good luck to all of us!

$5k would go for one helluva BCS party guys!

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

by TheMightyErik on Oct 29, 2008 6:27 PM EDT up reply actions   0 recs

done

but you know the blonde almost won me over because she was hot….. lol

Ben and Alex... first commits for 2024

by 3Yardout on Oct 29, 2008 9:59 PM EDT up reply actions   0 recs

here is the video

The Playa Haters Ball

for those who want to get naustalgic (sp?)

on a side note I think we need to give the triumverate hater names

I say:
Mike = ICE T
RUTS = Buck Nasty
Kevin = Mr. Roboto

by Lion Alum on Oct 29, 2008 3:03 PM EDT reply actions   0 recs

DEATH TO TEXAS!

BEHEAD THOSE WHO INSULT PATERNO!

Wait, that’d be Texas A & M. Well, DEATH TO TEXAS nonetheless.

by ReadingRambler on Oct 29, 2008 4:20 PM EDT reply actions   0 recs

Striking Resemblance

Is Silky Johnson actually Santonio Holmes?

pax et amor

by jtothep on Oct 29, 2008 4:46 PM EDT reply actions   0 recs

what can I say…

… about UT’s defense that hasn’t already been said about Afghanistan? It looks bombed out and depleted.

by lendamico on Oct 29, 2008 4:58 PM EDT reply actions   0 recs

Mack Brown

Mack Brown does stunts on weekends for Little Richard in gay movies….

by Tailgate Shogun on Oct 29, 2008 6:41 PM EDT reply actions   0 recs

I LOL'd

at “Hater Tots”

Genious.

by GreatScawt on Oct 29, 2008 8:29 PM EDT reply actions   0 recs

Player Hater's Ball-Texas Version

I hate you, I hate you, I don’t even know you, but I hate your guts. I hope everything bad in the world happens to you, and you alone.

I was out in the trenches, which enables me to paint such a powerful picture, like Apocalypse Now.-Cormega

by OMEGAMAN on Oct 30, 2008 12:55 AM EDT reply actions   0 recs

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