I did my best.

pre-breakfast workout routine consists of 4 sets of infinity push-ups.

When a white Penn State receiver wearing No. 5 drops a pass, it is not Graham Zug. It is his evil cousin, Zraham Gug.

Graham Zug destroyed the period table. He only recognizes the element of surprise.

Instead, all 32 NFL head coaches will be entered into a Steel Cage Death Match, with the lone survivor given the privilege to grovel at Zug’s feet in order to court the favor of his services.

Zug does not teabag the ladies, he potato sacks them! (I know this may get censored but…)

Zug is the King of the Gods. His presence overwhelmed the Greeks, who could not call him by his name and thus referred to him as Zeus.

And he has a sister who plays field hockey. (I leave it up to my BSD bretheren to make the obligatory, but very necessary, replies…)

Zug has counted to infinity…TWICE.

Graham Zug can slam revolving doors.

When Graham Zug jumps in the lake he doesn’t get wet. The lake gets Zug.

Graham Zug once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.

Graham Zug doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

All Chuck Norris facts are actually about Graham Zug.

- Zug is ten-foot tall beast of a man, who showers in vodka, and feeds his baby shrimp scampi.

- Zug got one of his girlfriends pregnant, and she gave birth to a delicious sixteen ounce steak. The afterbirth was sautéed mushrooms.

- They use Zug’s foreskin as a tarp at Beaver Stadium.

- Zug uses his own thigh as an anvil.

- Zug wears a live rattlesnake as a condom.

FACT – these are not Chuck Norris Quotes……

The Mississippi River was formed when Graham Zug took a leak while on vacation in northern Minnesota.

When he left, it was just called The Islands.

When taking the GMAT, write “Zug” for every answer. You will have a perfect score.

Hellen Keller’s favorite color is Zug.

Saving Private Ryan has his last dialogue, his last words were initially

“James… Zug this. Zug it.”

Unfortunately, at a last ditch effort, the editors changed it.

We definitely need a Zug t-shirt. I’d buy several.

Zug was rated a two star prospect by Scout, but he was actually five stars. In his infinite mercy, he donated three of his stars to zero-star linebacker James Laurinaitis in pity, in the hopes that this linebacker would make it to the national spotlight so that the rest of us could make fun of his overratedness. It’s often misinterpreted as just jumping on the pile, but in actuality it’s Laurinaitis bowing down and worshiping the man who gave him his stars. Upon graduation, James will donate all of the tackles he’s “made” to Zug in an effort to not be vaporized.

If Graham Zug is an auld acquaintance, there is no chance of forgetting him.

Graham Zug does not drive a car. The car drives itself out of fear and respect.

If a Penn State player is convicted of a crime, he is vaporized by Graham Zug and replaced with a ZugBot.

Graham Zug did not record a reception in the Oregon State game and Penn State still won by 31. USC doesn’t stand a chance.

to the ZUG
of the United ZUGS of AmeriZUG,
and to the ZUG for which he stands,
one ZUG, under ZUG,
with ZUG and [still more] ZUG for all.

Who would win a fight between Graham Zug and J Leman?

I think a poll is in order here.

Zug beat out Zoltan Mesko for Supreme Ruler of the Universe.

’Twas the night before Zugfest, when all through the stands

All the receivers were stirring, and warming their hands;

The helmets were hung by the locker with care,

In hopes that Saint Zug would soon be there;

The Paternos were nestled all snug in their beds,

While visions of onside kicks danced in their heads;

And mamma in her ’kerchief, and Joe in his floods,

Imbibed in just enough Rolling Rock suds,

When out on the field there arose such a clatter,

From a mighty chariot piloted by the infamous Vanatter.

Away to the student section I flew like a flash,

Among ghosts of players picking up trash.

The moon on the breast of the Nittany white outs

And crimson-headed coaching of superior wide outs.

When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,

But a mighty Zug and thirty-three seven ounce beers ,

Dragging along ESPN fools, no longer so smug,

I knew in a moment it must be the mighty Saint Zug.

More rapid than eagles his teammates of fame,

And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;

"Now, Maybin! now, Shipley! now, Williams and Norwood!

On, Clarke! on Scirotto! on, Royster and Rubin!

To the top of the Beaver, to the top of the uprights!

From end zone to end zone under the bright lights!"

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,

When they meet with an obstacle, they easily whisk by,

So up to the house-top the coursers they flew,

With the Zug in full glory, the football in full view.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard rhe crowd roar,

The mighty Zug did so easily soar.

As I clapped both my hands, and was turning around,

Down to the end zone came St. Zug came with a bound.

He was dressed all in white, from his head to his ankle,

And no name on his jersey, the opponents that does rankle;

A cradled football he now flung over his back,

Staying wide open prevented a sack.

His eyes — how they burned! his biceps how mighty!

His legs were like fire, his staff slay Aphrodite!

A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,

Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread;

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,

And filled all the stadiumss; then turned towards that jerk,

And laying his finger aside of his nose,

And giving a nod, above Laurinaitis he rose;

He sprang to his feet, to his team gave a whistle,

And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.

But I heard him exclaim, as he drove out of sight,

“Happy Zugfest to all and to all a good night.”

Men want to be him.

When she says no

She really means Zug.

-He uses the Shroud of Turin as a gold towel.
-He killed Wolfman Jack with a trident.
-He drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls
-I once saw him scissor kick Angela Lansberry.
-Ya know, it was the sight of Zug’s naked body that drove Brian Wilson insane.
-If you drop a phonograph needle on Zug’s nipple, it plays the Beach Boys Pet Sounds.
-All the Yes album covers are Zug family photos.
-Zug’s semen can form into a liquid human. Like that guy from Terminator 2.
-He framed Roger Rabbit.
-He’ll eat a homeless person if you dare him.
-One time I asked Brasky to dress up as Santa for a Christmas party I was having for my children. Anyway, Brasky shows up as Santa, says I’ve got goodies for you kids. He reaches into his bag and proceeds to hand out scrap metal and cigarettes to them. Then he takes off his beard and says There’s no Santa cause I ate him!
-Ya know, he jumped off the Empire State Building this one time and he only sprained his ankle.
-Zug would put on a white tie and tails and walk his cobra through the park on a leash. He named the cobra Beverly, and he taught it how to fetch and dial a phone. But then one day it bit the maid. So with tears in his eyes, Zug had to shoot the maid.
-He makes every woman that sleeps with him refer to him as Bear Bryant..
-His real first name is Graham

-"The Pope told him it was ok to have a mistress."
-Zug once showed me a video of him making love to my wife, and it was the most beautiful thing I ever saw!"
-"He sweats Gatorade"
-"He makes brooms somewhere in Georgia."
-"He did 3 tours in ‘Nam…… I was in Corpus Christi on business a month ago. I had this eight foot tall Asian waiter, which made me curious. I asked him his name. Sure enough it’s Ho Tran Zug!"
-"I once saw him eat a whole live chicken."
-"Did you know Graham Zugis the godfather of my son? He shows up at the church in his golf pants, caked in mud. Well, ol’ Zuggy pushes the priest aside and says, ‘I’ll baptize that piece of calimari!’ Then he pours Scotch all over my baby son and says, ‘There! You’re baptized!’"

On the eighth day, God created Zug. Zug was perfect in every way. Zug told God nothing could be as perfect as him, so nothing ever could happen on the eighth day worth mentioning, so God trimmed the week down to seven days.

but who would win in a fight

Zug or a huricanne

wait…wait…wait

the huricanne is also named Zug….Proceed