HATE WEEK: Michigan Wolverines

It's Monday.  It's Michigan.  It's Hate Week.  Let's get right to it.

The Breakdown:

WHO

Nestled on the shores of Horr Island, Ann Arbor has proudly been the economic and cultural capital of Horr's for generations.  Ms. Veronica Corningstone's home on Horr Island shown for reference only (think Anchorman).

Source: Ann Arbor Chamber of Commerce.

WHO: The University of Michigan, commonly referred to as scUM, and commonly confused with Washtenaw Community College. Not to worry though, University of Michigan football players do get to transfer history credits from Washtenaw CC in such courses as the inexplicably punctuated "Beer: From Around the World" and "History of Eating."  Apparently the first session from "History of Eating" is titled "Pre-history: Finding the Correct Cavity." Avoid that one at all costs.  It does however explain why Forcier had that silver spoon shoved up his...nevermind.   Just like UM courses, football players don't need to attend any of the sessions--you'll still get the 3 credit hours.

The second of a six-part series for the remainder of the season as there are clear parallels between the remaining coaches and new wave German music.  This week for Coach Rich Roderiguez we deviate slightly and select Austrian (yet German speaking) s-s-s-supahstar Falco.  Much like Coach RichRod, Falco's performance in the "Der Komissar" music video features them both looking too cool for school, speaking in half-english, and running from police cars--presumably from Blacksburg, Virginia.  

Also, RichRod runs exactly like Falco... aaaaaand you be the judge.

WHAT

Sadly, there are two-year old children that have never seen Michigan defeat Penn State.

Source: Ann Arbor Chamber of Commerce.

WHAT:  The Streak.  A lot of attention has been paid to Penn State's domination over Michigan, with over 754 days of continuous nonvictory for Michigan since Penn State's last chokejob loss to the Wolverines.  This streak of domination has continued unabated since that day, and the Nittany Lions look to continue it again on Saturday.  The Streak has been a point of pride for PSU fans and a bone of contention for Michigan fans.  I'm stretching.  So it goes.  At least we're not playing for a bogus trophy.

WHERE

Typical street scene in Ann Arbor.  Pictured on the ground: Santa Claus.

Source: Ann Arbor Chamber of Commerce.

WHERE: Ann Arbor.  If you plan on visiting Ann Arbor, remember the three key steps to remaining safe and sound in the evil eye.

1) Have you seen that commercial from Brink's Home Security (now Broadview)?  The kid and mother are playing around in the backyard, then go inside and she fortunately turns on her security system-because when you bring a child inside your first instinct is not to get the kid to the bathroom, get them the food they've been clamoring for, etc. but to turn on a blasted security system.  It's a fortunate decision, as she was watched the entire time by a robber through a knot hole in the gate.  The robber, dressed in black pants, black shirt, black hat, and black gloves IN BROAD DAYLIGHT IN THE SUMMER breaks into the house by bashing glass with his fist.  The robber, impressed that his hand isn't bleeding or broken, is in fact stunned by the security system and runs away.  The entire home is then cascaded in blue numbers.  I guess if you sign up for Broadview your home is transported to The Matrix. 

That whole comercial was actually filmed in Ann Arbor.  And it's all true.

2) In most motels, it’s possible to barricade yourself in the room by moving the sink unit to block the only egress. This will be handy if the city populace turns into a collective of angry, murderous rage.

3) Wear a money belt.

WHEN

A Michigan fan trying to learn "Spring Forward, Fall Back."

Source: University of Michigan Department of Time Tellin'.

WHEN: 3:30pm Eastern on ABC or ESPN.  Check your local listings and time zone.  This begins a two-game stretch on the road for the Nittany Lions as they travel to Evanston for the final leg of the Illinois Swing(TM) before hosting the Buckeyes.  So, there's no reason to be caught looking ahead--they'll all be tough.

WHY

The Michigan Way:
1) Go on, take the money.
2) Run.

Source: Bobbie Sue

WHY:  Why?

WHHYY???

Because pride is the line, because we still have that bad taste in our mouths, because of bad calls, because of too many ruined season, because of two seconds, because our defense is better than their offense, because--at long last--we aren't afraid to open it up on the road, because respect will only come with continued wins, because "The Michigan Way" espouses bedrock traditional football at the expense of integrity.

Why?  Because We're Penn State and They're Michigan. 

Go State! Beat Michigan! HATE! HATE! HATE!

Case closed.