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Modern Critical Interpretation of ReadingRambler's Half-Assed Big Ten Previews

For those of you who find ReadingRambler's prose inaccessible and byzantine, both stream of consciousness and word play, please continue reading and remember to honor America's veterans who have fought for our freedoms, especially the freedom to post fanposts on fanposts, which the German Nazis, North Vietnam, the Soviet Union, the Michigan Wolverines, and Al Qaeda have attempted to thwart with what ReadingRambler has already said so pricelessly, scum and villainy*

 

* - Half-assed Big Ten preview, part 2: Iowa

As Thomas Pynchon began his iconic novel, Gravity's Rainbow, "A screaming comes across the sky..." so did ReadingRambler in his first Half-assed preview on Illinois, "Right so I'm bored, and I've got nothing better to do...".  One should note the depth of psychosis in both statements: one stating fear of German rockets during the blitzkrieg in London, the other stating fear of retribution by talkbacker - or talkyackers - for a  mish-mash of athletic analysis that is already "Half-assed", and haphazardly collected, posted, and pasted as quasi-references and psuedo-facts from the interweb.  Is this a sign of insecurity?  A madman?  Or simply, a fan at his work?  The reader is free to arrive at his or her own interpretation, as all great works will require.

The most puzzling question, of course, is why kick off the Half-assed analysis with Illinois?  Of all eleven of the Big Ten universities, why pick a team so unformidable and benign?  A clue lies in the very first video post: the Derrick Williams flight from one end to the other, dashing like Greek Gods Mercury and Hermes - with winged shoes no less - that embarrassed the bumbling Illinois special teams.  Was this premeditated on ReadingRambler's part, to begin an analysis with the praise of his God, Derrick Wlliams?  If so, then ReadingRambler is more of a selfish Adonis archetype than he presupposes, slandering his opponents while deftly primping his own vanity through vicarious praise of his athletic gladiator.

The Illinois analysis turned out to be anything other than Half-assed though.  ReadingRambler provided numerous videos and jpgs that slandered and dehumanized, not only the university, but the state as well.  One should note the visuals of J Lehman and former Illinois governer Blagojevich, both of whom, coincidentally, were endowed with a virile set of hair.  Intentional on ReadingRamblers part?  Or some sort of cosmic synchronicity, an invisible Heavenly hand guiding ReadingRambler's mouse to the more meaningful, if not biblical, messages for his bretheren.

Whereas the Illinois preview was virile with visuals, the next Half-assed preview of Iowa was impotent and inadequate, containing merely words, hardly any of them with more than two syllables.  Was ReadingRambler trying to send a message with this entry?  Surely, anyone with an iota of history knows the perfect season was foiled by the Hawkeye state in 2008 by an impressive passing campaign within the last few minutes of the game.  If ReadingRambler's lack of visuals was intentional, then one can safely assume that he harbors angst and anger towards this faraway midwestern state. 

And one cannot ignore that Iowa is home to the most prestigious literary graduate program, the Iowa Writer's Workshop, and not note ReadingRambler's slight by relying on simple, primitive words such as "See Above", and when referring to the Hawkeye's Offensive Line as, "I have no clue."  A blatant slap in the face of every literary wordsmiths that occupy its rural sanctuary.

The Half-assed Indiana entry comes back to form with visuals and in-depth analysis.  But what is peculiar about this one is that it focuses not only on the past, but on another sport, one ReadingRambler's university has only begun to take notice: Bobby Knight, the infamous former head basketball coach of the Hoosiers.  Why did ReadingRambler go on a tanget when his readers - his fellow alumnus - were under the impression that they were about to read a football analysis?  ReadingRambler must have sensed an impending backlash, so he wrote a declaration right off the bat: "I am mainly using this as an excuse to post stuff about Bob Knight."

This lack of metaphors, or symbolism, or hyperbole is bold and legendary.  Not since Wiliam Shakespeare's Hamlet, when he declared, "I may be mad, Horatio", has a statement been so direct and to the point.  Was ReadingRambler, as was Shakespeare, giving his audience reprieve from a dense and complicated work?  One must wonder and further studies and analysis must be conducted. (I have just been informed that literary critic, and Yale Professor Harold Bloom, has just received a grant to proceed on this great undertaking.  God speed, Mr. Bloom!)

The Half-assed entries for Michigan (#4) and Michigan State (#5) could have been culled into one, as both are in the same state, and both draw ReadingRambler's ire.  Consider these entries:

(Michigan): " I'm not sure what to say other than "DickRod lol!"                        

(Michigan State): "Michigan State. Michigan State.  Just writing the name fills me with rage and a desire to drop a million Tsar Bomba size nukes in Central Michigan."

ReadingRambler was approaching the halfway point to his Half-assed previews and already rage, and maybe insanity, has shown its colors.  As anyone knows, the House of Michigan and the House of Pennsylvania are far from brothers and ReadingRambler, whose Quaker ancentry is still in dispute, may be exploiting a populous dialogue to incite and enhance the rivalry of the two houses.

Was this necessary though?  Did he have to remind his audience of the eight year of spanking from one, and the fabricated rivalry of the other?  What was ReadingRambler trying to prove with his anger?  One need only to go half way down in the MIchigan State entry:

"Michigan State University was founded on February 12, 1855. Julius Streicher, a prominent Nazi, was born on that same day years later. Think about it."

Clearly, ReadingRambler was fighting against Anti-Semitism, and the fact one was birthed on or about the same year as one of the most notorious of the Nazi SS shares the same name with the other university, subconsciously he must have associated the two as the same, ergo displaying displeasure towards both.

The anger dissipates with the half-way point, on the Half-assed preview #6: Minnesota.  ReadingRambler provides a short analysis, and begins the entry with this: "I don't care."

Clearly, the anger and the negative energy picking at his existence has come to an apex.  But with the dissipating anger comes with the dissipating energy.  ReadingRambler simply could not give even a Half-assed preview.  He simply halved the Half-assed, anti-climatic in a sense considering there were another six teams to preview, not including the Penn State Nittany Lions, his alma mater, which no one as of yet knows whether he will Half-ass preview them at all.

But maybe it wasn't a dissipation of anger, rather the nature of Minnesota itself.  The university's mascot, the happy Gopher, brings a sort of childish delight in all football fans, with his buck teeth, wide eyes, and an old fashioned turtle neck sweater.  Perhaps one could surmise that ReadingRambler, upon gazing at this plucky rodent, felt his humanity return.  Minnesotans were Scandanavian descedants afterall, a once sea faring marauders, now goofy, earthly citizens of this great nation of ours.  And one cannot forget the fairer sex of these people: they're blonde.

Hopefully, ReadingRambler will finish the Half-assed preview.  Neverthelss, the analysis, even unfinished, will be published and read just like F. Scott Fitzgerald's The Last Tycoon, both monuments of literary and blogging history.

 

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