Dec 4, 8:55 PM EST
William Wesley named 2010 Heisman Trophy winner
Disassociated Press Special Correspondent
NEW YORK, New York, United States of America (DP) -- In a stunning early announcement, William "Worldwide" Wesley, the record setting booster for Generic Scumbag University, was awarded the 2010 Heisman Trophy. Wesley took the award over such competitors as Auburn's Innocent Until Proven Guilty, some guy from Oregon, and a couple of other guys.
Sitting in a basketball recruit's basement with said recruit's greedy protection racket boss/uncle and a Disassociated Press reporter, Wesley took the call from New York on his cell phone. Wesley was unable to reach New York, but he was able to give the shortest speech in Heisman Trophy history via cell phone.
"One ring to rule them all. One ring to find them. One ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them in the land of the South where the shadows lie."
The announcement came as a shock, but college football analysts and others were quickly able to offer an explanation.
Noted college football writer Richard [REDACTED] said, "This award was given to symbolize to William Wesley that Penn State is not elite and that the average college football fan and writer knows where the power lies in this sport.
Former FBI head J. Edgar Hoover, who is currently dead, is said to have smiled and written something in a mysterious black book.
As for Wesley, there is no speculation, only joy.
"I told Ed Martin before he died that I would make him proud. This one's for you, Ed!"