CHICAGO - Big Ten Conference commisioner Jim Delany and the Empire of Japan's representative General Hideki Tojo today announced plans for a merger between the two, saying they were hopeful the merger could eventually lead to a "defense perimeter" and other advancements. The announcement ends months of speculation.
"We ran out of oil in Java and Chinese women to, how you say, use, so we had to make a step towards the future. We are optimistic that this will lead to Dai-tō-a Kyōeiken [Greater Mid-West Co-Prosperity Sphere] and lots of hot Southern chicks to score with."
According to Delany, the merger should not be considered unexpected. "We first planned to release this news - much later - between June 4th and June 7th -, but the Japanese said they would be busy that week. Also, some guy on the Bleacher Report posted rumors about us getting bitch slapped by Notre Dame and that's totally ludicrous. We're very happy with this deal. By the way, Jack, if you're watching this, you still have my number. Call me ASAP. See you around."
Across the country, reaction was varied.
Head USC football coach Lane Kiffin used the opportunity to vouch for the Empire. "They've got those Gayshas. Guishas. Geishas? Anyway, recruits love 'em. Or so I've heard."
Iowa's Kirk Ferentz was apathetic to "that whole Japanese deal". “They're athletes, and they're leaders and competitors. That's the parallel, ... The other parallel is that none of them can throw, so that makes it easy for us to know they aren't quarterbacks. They helped us in the evaluation process.”
Rich Rodriguez was excited to use the advancements of Japanese Banzai charges. "Think about it: Tate's really small. But is he smaller than the average Japanese man? No." When it was pointed out that swords and guns are illegal in college football and that computer simulations show the Japanese as unable to defeat the United States, Rodriguez began comparing Tate Forcier to Japanese fighter aircraft. "Fast and vulnerable. There is only one difference: The Zero's gas tanks explode. Tate's shoulders explode.
In Columbus, fans were rather subdued. Ohio State President E. Gordon Gee said, "We really don't care as long as the new team isn't from Ohio." Noted Buckeye columnist "Block O" on the other hand said, "Yamamoto totally sux because he's from Ohio and if he was really good cause Ohio players all want to play for us."
Meanwhile, the Southeastern Conference attempted to shift attention by hiring the aggressive William Halsey as chairman. Halsey quickly announced this afternoon that the SEC's new plan to combat the merger will "not consist of poor clock management and relying on two teams to carry the load, but consist of leaving straits unguarded, leaving Admiral Kinkaid dazed and confused by ignoring pleas to establish radio contact, and driving fleets into typhoons."