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Merle Haggard to replace Jim Delany

Multiple sources have, under condition of anonymity, confirmed to I, ReadingRambler, that Jim Delany has resigned as Big Ten commisioner and is to be replaced by famed Country-Western performer Merle Haggard.

"I've had some rough times lately. Been out of work and singing them workin' man blues. But Jim and I have always been bar room buddies so he owed me one. When I got the news, I said to Jim (who was very drunk, apparently the bottle let him down, heh heh heh), I said 'Jim, we don't smoke marijuana in Muskogee and I'm glad you don't smoke marijuana in Big City either.' We will make a great team. There are too many players turning twenty-one in prison doing life without parole and I plan to put a stop to it. Also, the Big Ten will have to make it through December. Yes, I plan on making Michigan and Ohio State play on the first week of December."

Haggard also expressed a determination to improve the Big Ten's performance against other conferences, on the fields of play and in and out of the classroom. "We will make bowl games a place to fall apart for SEC teams! Our fans will find our performance to be like a natural high. Things aren't funny anymore! Our athletes won't just stay and drink, they'll excel!"

Meanwhile, Texas, longtime fan of The Hag, announced an intention to leave the Big 12 and join the Big Ten. The Big 12 released a statement stating, "Don't you ever get tired (of hurtin' me)?"

The unconfirmed, anonymous sources have also confirmed to I, ReadingRambler, that I am quite funny.

For Haggard and the Big Ten, everything is great. "I always get lucky with you.", said Joe Paterno.

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