[A fine way to end the afternoon. We are officially living in The Cairo Decade. - RUTS]
Five-star recruit Wayne Lyons has been submitting questionnaires to a number of prestigious football programs to aid in his selection process. These programs have been eager to respond to see if they can secure this vaunted recruit. Fortunately for us, BSD has acquired a number of these returned questionnaires and enclosed are selected answers from a variety of institutions. We applaud these programs for their openness and honesty.
1. What are the typical weather conditions during the football season?
Minnesota – Warmer than our chances to be in the Big Ten title race come November.
2. What type of summer program/schedule do you have for the football players?
Colorado – Whatever we damn well please. If I have to hear another parent complain about our summer program in Boulder I’m going to go postal. Again.
3. Are players required to attend summer school?
Texas – Players are not required to attend summer school. Fall and spring school are also optional.
4. If my mom had to fly to see me play, what is the best airport to fly into from Fort Lauderdale, Fla.?
Iowa State – Sioux Gateway Airport in nearby Sioux City, Iowa, which goes by the airport code of SUX. We have e-mailed you an example itinerary for your parent titled “Your mom: SUX”
5. How far is the commute from the airport to your campus?
Florida International – We are an airport. I think.
6. What are the most economical lodgings, near your school, which are available during game time for my mom?
Hawaii – None. Have you been to Hawaii? A 200 square foot cinder block home in the Makaha Valley will set you back 3 G’s a month. And we’re not talking phone coverage here.
7. Will transportation be needed when my mom visits for games? i.e., will she need to rent a car or are lodging accommodations close enough to the school?
New Mexico – We got hot air balloons! Ballooooons!
8. Will Wayne's scholarship include funding for the summer?
USC – Yes, his “scholarship” will include “funding” for the “summer.”
9. Are there summer jobs available for football players?
Oklahoma – Norman has an exciting array of car dealerships with which you can find summer employment.
10. What provisions do you have if Wayne was to sustain a career-ending injury?
Oregon – If Wayne has a broken leg, we’ll try to make it to Fort Kearney and trade a few wagon tongues for some medicine.
11. Does your school have an organized Parent-Support Group that is specific to football? All athletics?
BYU – Most of our football players belong to a parent-support group in order to balance the demands of a student-athlete with the challenges of fatherhood. Oh wait, I might have misunderstood your question.
12. What type of living accommodations do the football players have? Apartment, dorm, etc.
California – Most of our players live in a state of perpetually unrealized expectations. They accommodate themselves with the overall passivity of the fanbase.
13. How far are the living quarters from the main location of the academic buildings? From the football facilities?
Illinois – Living quarters are next door to the academic buildings. If you’ve been to our Champaign-Urbana campus, you’ll know that means it’s about a mile away.
14. What time does the first class start at your school?
Tennessee – September.
15. What time do the football players start their day during the season? Offseason?
Penn State – 6 am. We like to finish before 4 PM so we can get to the discount buffet at Perkins before the line gets too long.
16. Do you have a full-time physician assigned to your football program?
Wyoming – Wyoming has had a full-time physician since 2002. We hope to have a second full-time physician residing in the state before this decade runs out too.
17. How many athletic trainers does your program have?
USC - Several. Brian Cushing is a great reference for detailing all of their comprehensive services.
18. What are the procedures if athletes sustain non-athletic health issues? Such as catching the flu, colds or other minor health issues.
Oregon State – Ford the rapids!
19. What type of insurance is covered (if any) under Wayne's scholarship? i.e. health, eye, dental, etc...
West Virginia – Comprehensive health insurance, however dental insurance is waived by most native West Virginians in the football program.
20. If there is an emergency and Wayne needs to get home within a week's notice, are there any provisions available under his scholarship?
Alabama – We can allocate some of his scholarship money towards complementary plane rides to a number of exotic destinations.
21. Being that Wayne is from a southern state with a warm climate: Are there any provisions under his scholarship that would provide funds for clothing to accommodate the northern weather?
Wisconsin – Seriously, what’s your obsession with cold weather? Winter coats are $5.97 at Old Navy right now. Do you want us to provide a transportation schedule from your house to the nearest Outlet Mall too?
22. Please describe the neighborhood (with a five-mile radius) that surrounds your school.
UNLV – A unique blend of whorishness and ruined dreams.
23. What is the distance to the nearest department store from where the players live?
Florida State – No need to travel, department store shoes will be provided at the earliest convenience directly to the player’s place of residence. Otherwise, 1.3 miles.
24. What percentage of your players lives on campus?
Central Florida – So no one’s told you we’re essentially a giant commuter school? This is a bit awkward. I guess you should write off the University of Phoenix too.
25. Will it be necessary or advantageous for Wayne to have a car?
Ohio State – It will be advantageous for Wayne to have a car to keep up his image and credibility with other football players.
26. What is the percentage of African-Americans that live in your school's city?
Virginia Tech – See, your first mistake in assuming our school was in a city…
27. If players elect not to attend summer school but prefer to remain at the school and work, are they permitted to stay on campus or will they require off-campus housing for the summer?
Texas Tech – Are you seriously considering staying in Lubbock for three months in the summer? What work are you going to perform? Tumbleweed inspection? Heat exhaustion monitor? Hey, if you want to stay here we’ll ask Doug to keep the lights on a TTU. No promises, tho’.
28. What is the average course load for players during the season?
Oklahoma State – Course loads are an optional component of our football program.
29. What is the average cost of apartments/off-campus living should players require summer housing not provided by the scholarship?
Michigan – How far is “off-campus”? Coach has some phenomenal property opportunities available at Legends of Blacksburg. Can you look into getting a home there? Please?
30. What type of public transportation is available for players needing to get to a department store?
Rutgers – Our state is an endless sea of department stores, and you’re within two exits of everything you could imagine. But more to the point, what’s up with this preoccupation with department stores? For a kid so obsessed with academics it’s a little weird to have so many questions about the location of the nearest JC Penney. Are you looking to learn and play football, or are you looking for a 40% employee discount on houseware sales in the summer?
31. How many undergraduate students does your school have?
Duke – 6,400. Most of them are pretentious fops.
32. What is the average class size for undergraduate courses? Professor-to-student ratio?
Indiana – 15 to 1. Most early morning classes are around 8 to 1 because—hey—everyone knows sleep is the best hangover cure.
33. How many seniors/graduates have you had for the past five years? Year-by-year?
Florida – 103, and none are worth a damn compared to Tim Tebow.
34. How many football players do you currently have that are engineering majors?
Mississippi – Is engineering the one where you learn to drive a train?
35. How many football players have graduated with an engineering degree in the past five years? Year-by-year? Please list their names.
Mississippi State – I’m with Ole Miss on this one. I have no idea what engine-ing is. There’s some tracks nearby the coaches offices. I’m sure you can go trainspotting and get you 3 credit hours for it.
36. How many African-American football players have graduated with their degree (any major -- four- and five-year seniors) in the past five years? Year-by-year?
Memphis – Oh, for a second I thought you were going to ask us about our basketball graduation rate…
37. How many African-American players have graduated with an engineering degree in the past five years? Year-by-year? Please list their names.
Question skipped by 103 schools.
38. What are the admissions requirements beyond the NCAA sliding scale? i.e. GPA, test scores.
Notre Dame – GPA above 2.9, ACT composite above 23, and a Sanctimonious Rating above 8.7
39. What is the coldest temperature your city gets?
Arizona State – 95 degrees.
40. What are the procedures at your school if Wayne was to receive an academic (financial) scholarship from a private organization that is sent directly to the college? Will he be allowed to receive the scholarship or will the dollar amount be subtracted from the scholarship provided by the athletic department?
Eastern Illinois – Seriously, if you’re still reading our answers at this point we’ll consider it a recruiting success.