University Park, PA (BSD)
Two men widely rumored to be in the investigative process of Penn State's troubled athletic department removed themselves today from any consideration for the head coaching job with the Nittany Lions football team.
From his home outside of Redding in Palo Cedro, California, legendary country musician Merle Haggard publicly refused to be involved with the search.
"Some dude calling himself Dave Joyner and some other punk called me late last night and asked me if I could do an interview with them. I asked, 'For what?' They said, 'For our vacant football head coach position here at Penn State.' I said, 'What the hell?' and then I hung up on him because I don't need no prank callers. Prank someone else. Call Willie instead; he's stoned more than I am and he'll give you a better time."
Haggard also vehemently denied rumors that he had already interviewed with Penn State.
"I'm a singer, not a football coach. What the hell are you people talking about? Who are you? What do you want? I'm not giving you any money and I don't believe you're really with the media. Get off of my property."
Penn State athletic director Dave Joyner expressed disappointment with Haggard's refusal.
"We did, in fact, request an interview with Mr. Haggard. He declined. We regret this, but will move on. We wish Mr. Haggard all the best in his future endeavors."
An unnamed source from somewhere deep in the rural countryside of south-central Pennsylvania stated that Joyner was "probably far more disappointed than he's letting show."
"Merle Haggard was absolutely the best possible candidate. Just take a few songs for example. Always Wanting You, Son of Hickory Holler's Tramp, High on a Hilltop, Swinging Doors, Living With The Shades Pulled Down, and Mama Tried, Folsom Prison Blues all of these show a man who understands the many facets of coaching and young men in general. He understands sadness, faith and morality, hedonism, regret, and he has an ability to cover other artists and coaches. The Hag would compete and he would do it with the academic excellence Penn State demands. Besides, at this point, it was either this guy or some guy who is not named Tom Bradley. Trust me when I say that south-central and western Pennsylvania will not accept anyone who is neither Tom Bradley, a deer, Bill Cowher, or an old country singer."
From behind the locked doors of Penn State's main administrative offices, an unnamed source who happens to be President Rodney Erickson's most trusted confidante stated Penn State would not heed to the "demands of hick farmers and internet users who are trying to burn down our building right as we speak."
"Those people on the outside have been at our throats for weeks! We tried to throw Paterno to them like meat to the dogs but that only made them angrier! We sent President Erickson to give his robotic speech on those commercials but his monotone only angered them even more! As we speak, they're trying to drag us out like the Romanians drug out Ceaucescu! Look outside! Get your cameras and watch as they try to burn us down and kill us! They blame us for how long the search is taking and how many recruits are fleeing, but we can't hire anyone because of the mob waiting outside to kill us!"
Our reporters have photographic proof that no one was outside of the building, but the source remained defiant.
"So far as President Erickson and Director Joyner are concerned, we will not hire anyone who cannot help us as we bring Penn State football in line with the new concept of success with honor. That is quite the radical concept, you know? We've never tried that at Penn State before and we need the right man before we even contemplate trying it. That's why we've offered the job to Kirk Ferentz."
From his home in Iowa City, Iowa, Iowa head coach Kirk Ferentz immediately rejected Penn State's offer without comment. Penn State was said to be "disappointed, but we haven't run out of mediocre candidates yet."