717 News reporting from Harrisburg, PA
Since the Penn State scandal began last November, Central Pennsylvania has been covered by a cloud of bullcrap. While Penn Staters across the country have been affected, according to meteorologists, social scientists, and other experts, Central Pennsylvanians have perhaps been the hardest hit among people not directly involved with the scandal.
"The effects are awful for those people," said Dr. Cathy So-and-so of So-and-so Research Institute. "We haven't quite figured everything out, but it's really, really, crappy. The emotional and, to a lesser extent, physical discomfort caused by being constantly surrounded by a cloud of bullcrap is nearly devastating. From our studies, the residents of Central Pennsylvania seem to be in a constantly shifting state. They can be literally lonesome, ornery, and mean, or they can just be in a kind of emotional place where their only joy is from listening to the song Lonesome, On'ry and Mean. And, l mean, I like that song, but it's just not healthy for a person to be constantly listening to it."
Scientists are also concerned by what is an increasingly common phenomenon in the region: bullcrap rain.
Local weather observers in northern Dauphin County noticed on Tuesday that the rain in their area was "oddly smelling and slightly brown."
"It's coming!", screamed Dr. Mousey Anonymous. "I can't possibly pretend to be a detached scientists when the idea of bullcrap rain is coming to fruition! Rivers filled with bullcrap! Roads clogged with bullcrap! Buy bottled water now! Buy it all!"
Penn State fan Central Pennsylvanians were not as frightened as Anonymous. Jtothep of Waynesboro seems a typical case with his pithy quote: "Joe survived bullcrap for years so I'm not scared."
ReadingRambler of Biglerville, on the other hand, was the most explosive person interviewed.
"I'm sick and tired of this bullcrap! I'm so sick and tired of it and I'm sick and freaking tired of the way this freaking bullcrap has me used to its existence, to its constant hovering over my head! This is crap! This is God dang crap! I'm tired of this. Just think about the crap I put up with. Heck, the crap we all put up with because we're all living with this. Even the idiots who wear their Notre Dame or Ohio State garbage here know they're living in Pennsylvania. Where was I? First, a man I respect is accused of that horrible stuff that he was accused of. Then Paterno is fired which, well, hell, enough said! Then Mr. BoT spokesman guy guy - and he's no good robot for sure because robots are actually useful - well, anyway, he comes out there and he's saying crap, like, uh, like: 'Oh, we don't need no damned evidence because of, um, stuff. So we fired him! Neener neener!' All right, so that happened. Then the media was like, 'Well, we still won't shut up because we're douchebags!' So they didn't shut up because they are douchebags. Until now, they've shut up now because it don't make no more money for them or some crap. I don't care anymore. Anyway, and now this coaching search crap becomes totally insane and I show up at my favorite blog and they've got some guy talking about Bo Pelini! Bo Pelini! BO PELINI! That guy went to Ohio State! Ohio State is the definition of crap and Nebraska smells like crap! And then Joyner said something, but I don't remember because I was posting pictures of the middle finger while I was actually thinking about giving the middle finger to a relative who said something snide about Joe. Yeah, my redneck relative, he's like, 'Oh, blah blah snide comment ha ha ha I'm so funny.' And I say, 'Jesus, take me away from this wicked generation! And, as for you, person, you go and listen to Hank Williams, Junior, you freaking insufferable redneck hack.' I'm sure that's not what Jesus would say, but, man, this is crap. This is all crap and I'm tired of it! There aren't enough country-western songs in the world to make up for this crap! At least I still have my Dad to keep things in perspective."
"It's all bullcrap, and it's bad, but bullcrap happens," said ReadingRambler's father. "I have to say that TicketCity is a really stupid name for a bowl. What the crap is that? Anyway, I still have to go to my crappy job tomorrow morning."
Many other Central Pennsylvanians seem to be taking more positive stances.
Chakey Stoltszfus of Bird-in-Hand stressed the possible agricultural value of the bullcrap. "If the bullcrap rains in the spring, it could help our tobacco crap. Did I say crap? I meant crop."
"Yeah, I guess I could use it in my fields." said, James Germanlastname of Elliottsburg, who was less optimistic than Mr. Stoltzfus, but still saw some brightness.
"But, at the same time, it's still a bunch of freaking bullcrap. I was never a Penn State fan, but the cloud has my wife and I in a persistent state of light blues. We've managed, at the very least, to make it something which brings us together, but there can be no denying the fact that we've listened - together - to Sunday Morning Coming Down before bed every night for the past three weeks. I don't know why we do it. It just feels right. It's like the only thing that seems appropriate for the bullcrap up there."
Finally, Noah [Redacted] of Harrisburg took the bullcrap as a reason to make what he considers a step forward. Writing on his Twitter feed which may or may not exist, [Redacted] said, "No more bullcrap cloud for me! buckeyes, baby!"
To date, scientists are unsure how the bullcrap affects outsiders to the region. Interim Penn State head coach Tom Notactually-Tombradley shared an anecdote on the subject.
"I know it sounds sleazy, but we were hoping that Meyer wouldn't be able to get to the game in Hershey. We thought that maybe the bullcrap cloud would stop his plane or something. But apparently the bullcrap cloud has a kind of way of feeling who's entering it. It felt Meyer's presence entering and said to itself, 'Hey, I know that guy. He's all right.' The staff and I, we got a nice laugh out of that even if we did lose the kid."