Basketball is dumb. I don't expect it to equal wrestling or, mother of all guffaws, football, but people paying so much attention to something this dumb is unacceptable. The game of basketball must be made into a sport. Herein I will submit my suggestions for doing so. 

Note: No safety equipment will be allowed.

Suggestion #1: Penn State - From General Beaver to General Knight

No, just kidding.

Suggestion #2: Write defensive rules similar to that of football

No pass interference or tripping shall be tolerated. Neither holding of the jerseys nor tackling of players without the ball shall be tolerated. Shoving's cool, they let that go now anyway. A player with the ball is fair game.

Suggestion #3: Eliminate the shot clock

With these new rules, it's just a given.

Suggestion #4: Eliminate the three point shot

Players such as Jon Diebler must be made useless.

Suggestion #5: Beating the crap out of people during rebound situations is now totally cool

Suggestion #6: Make the hoop slightly bigger

This will hopefully get us scores in the perfectly reasonable thirty-point range. This is far better than the current way of doing things. My fellow Americans, you make me sick with your whining demands for "more points" in all of our sports. Are you Big 12 fans?

Suggestion #7: Each team should have eleven players on the court

More players mean more chaos!

Suggestion #8: No, that's it, we're done.

So in six suggestions, I give you what would be a true sport, and a great one at that. Six!

Imagine it.

The triple-double would become truly legendary. 10+ points (And points are now rendered meaningful), 10+ tackles, 10+ rebounds (Hard to come by). Only players of great countenance, much ambition, and stout manhood could succeed and thrive in this sport.

Following my suggestions is literally the only way conceivable to make basketball actually worth watching.

P.S. If anyone wants my suggestions for baseball, here goes: don't even bother trying to fix baseball.