Ohio State announces new head coach

Rambler's Rambling Running With Horace Greeley's Devil News - COLUMBUS, OHIO: A chorus of cheers comparable to the noise caused by the Battle of Jutland roared across Central Ohio tonight. In a turn of events called "surprising" by some analysts and "About time they got together" by others, The Ohio State University has hired Kid Rock to head the Buckeye football program. Ohio State athletic director Gene Smith announced the hire at a press conference late this evening.

Said Smith: "Have you ever heard that song 'Summertime in Northern Michigan' or whatever it's called? More importantly, have you seen the music video? In it, Coach Rock prances around with some ditzy girls, rides around in a freaking boat, and does some other cool stuff, most of which while shirtless, if I recall correctly - it would certainly complete the image anyway, and he'd also need a really douchey hat. Coach Rock, while a native of Michigan, appeals naturally to the sensibility to the people of Michigan but especially to the people of Ohio. Football players across the Buckeye State dream of playing football in the Horseshoe, they love tattoos, they dream of adults who act like children, they long for sippin' whiskey by the bottle, wasting time, and getting free boats. And they definitely dream of getting it on with skanky girls in a really awkward manner just like in Coach Rock's video."

Ohio State President Gordon Gee added praise of his own. "Bowtie bowtie corny joke bowtie bowtie hahaha, I hope Coach Rock doesn't dismiss me, ahaha bowtie."

Ugh, what a nasty little man.

Where was I?

Oh, yeah.

Rock, for his part, is incredibly excited, stating, "I feel like I'm coming home. I drove into Columbus and was immediately captivated by the spirit of fake that's all around us here. In honor of this reality, I wrote and recorded a new fight song for Buckeye football. It features randomly interspersed chords and all kinds of cool stuff from Springsteen, Doc Watson, The Pogues, Johnny Cash, a bluegrass band in Tennessee, more Zevon, Miley Cyrus, The University of Michigan band, basically anything I could find on YouTube. It kicks ass."

In response to criticism pointing out Rock's total lack of coaching experience, Smith was quite confident. "If he can cheat, he can win. Period. Next question."

Meanwhile, reaction from fellow Big Ten coaches is mixed.

Michigan head coach Brady Hoke was quoted as saying, "What's amazing about Kid Rock's stuff is that, while quite understandable because he enunciates somewhat well, it's so stupid it becomes unintelligible. Imagine Bob Dylan singing Born in the USA. Now imagine Dylan has throat cancer. And he's drunk. Ok? Now imagine he's singing the song in Jabberwocky. He'd still be more understandable than whatever the hell Kid Rock is droning about."

In Iowa City, Hawkeye coach Kirk Ferentz was quite Ferentzian in his effusive praise for Ohio State's hire. "Making music - real tough deal. Tough deal. Lots of words, lots of rhymes, you gotta work to be good at what you do when you do that. They'll be tough, lots of practice on making words, they'll fight and sing well in harmony. Making music like that with the stealing called sampling, real good at sampling, be real good at reading playbooks. Gotta look for that. Real tough deal."

Perhaps the defining quotes come from Joe Paterno of Penn State: "I knew an Irish kid back in Brooklyn named Rocky Kid. He was a real tough, uh, what you would call a hoodlum. The Irish were pretty crafty guys."

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