Here are some facts about the ZordStache to prepare you for the season.

• Michael Zordich did not grow the ZordStache, the ZordStache grew Michael Zordich.
• The ZordStache is considered both an illegal benefit and performance enhancer by the NCAA, but they are too afraid to post any sanctions.
• While Michael Zordich only plays on offense, the ZordStache plays both offense and defense.  At the same time.
• The ZordStache keeps away the Angry Knee Hating Fullback God.
• The ZordStache will be selected #1 overall in the 2012 NFL Draft by the Buffalo Bills.  Buffalo goes on to win 4 of the next 5 Superbowls. 
• Penn State Pro Combat unis don't exist because anytime the ZordStache is forced to model one it bursts into flames.
• Graham Spanier has secretly anointed the ZordStache the next head coach in waiting after Joe Paterno retires.
• Graham Spanier had no choice in the matter.
• The ZordStache is the only father-son mustache duo to be coached by Joe Paterno.  And yes, that means the ZordStache is its own father.
• The earthquake in VA was originally an 8.6, but the ZordStache told it to settle the eff down.
• The ZordStache invented the West Coast Offense for Bill Walsh so it could scoff at it while running the Power I.
• The ZordStache runs a variation of the Cover 3, where it covers 4/3rds of the field.
• The ZordStache doesn't care about math.
• Brandon Ware and the ZordStache once competed against each other in an eating contest.  The loser had to leave Penn State.
• The ZordStache lines up 20 yards off the receiver.  No one has completed a pass against it to this day.
• When Terrell Pryor said "Everybody kills, steals, murders..." he was actually referring to the ZordStache.
• The AP Preseason Poll actually lists the ZordStache as #1-25.  What they publish are just the remaining schools on the list.
• The ZordStache never "buckles up".
• Pitt originally claimed 9 National Championships.  Now the ZordStache claims them all.
• The ZordStache can, and will, step it up.

via cdn0.sbnation.com

Please start football already.