FanPost

The truth about Ohio

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The truth about Ohio is that it is one hell of a state. If you’re a busy parent, it is filled with people who can help you raise your kids and stuff. It has lots of good libraries. Like the one in Cleveland that spawned the YouTube video about the Buckeye fan who was caught jacking off in the libr – wait, where was I? Oh, yeah, how great Ohio is. When I was a baby, my mama would rock me in my cradle in them old cotton fields back home. No, that’s wrong. Man, though, Buck Owens’ cover of that song is AWESOME. BAKERSFIELD POWER!!!! Where was I?

I was talking about Ohio. When was I young, before my memory starts, my parents took me through the state of Ohio. I do not remember this. It was the only time I have ever been to Ohio.

Am I to hide the truth from everyone forever? I cannot! Pennsylvania never blesses a person like Ohio! Every fault in my personality is due to my not having spent more time in Ohio.

Writing about Ohio is not easy! How do I compare it to anything? How do I make people understand? Let me start by saying that Ohio is just like Andy Dufresne. Everyone wants to pick on him and beat him up and do bad stuff to do him, but you know what? He wins in the end. And he’s a good guy. Ohio is just a darned good guy. Who doesn’t love Ohio? People who don’t understand how great Ohio is, that’s who. Why don’t people understand how great Ohio is? I just don’t know. I don’t know.

This problem, this pathetic misunderstanding of our finest state is probably because of jealousy. If I looked at this state that has three professional football teams (see what I did there?), countless innovators in the field of aviation, and literally all of America’s best Presidents (Panic of 1873 IN DA HOUSE!), I would just be totally floored and totally jealous. By Zeus, Ohio has everything I want in a place!

Against all odds, Ohio has developed itself into a basket of glory in every conceivable area! Corn? Lots of it! Pigs? Oh, yeah! Professional hockey teams? Well, sort of! Beautiful cities? Cleveland is the best place to walk in the country, heck, the world – look out, London! History? Grant just made your mama’s panties unconditionally surrender!

My opinion of Ohio: it is America’s greatest treasure.

Will America ever recognize this? Folks, the answer is maybe. As for myself, the only thing that baffles me about Ohio is how it has managed to produce so few synthpop bands. Synthpop is such darned fine music and it’s just darned odd that Ohio hasn’t produced more acts in that genre. I don’t understand that.

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