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*BLRG*...*GULP*...Excuse me. I just threw up in my mouth a little.

Douche Canoe Andy Staples lays out the future of the Big Ten for all of us.

I guess we should thank him for letting us know just how awful the next few years will be for everyone who isn't ZOMGTHEOHIOSTATEUNIVERSITYWITHURBANMEYERASCOACH. Now we can all lower our expectations and pack it in every Saturday from October to November. It's OK, I didn't really feel like trying anyway.

And I really should have known that we don't stand a chance. I should have known that the past hell-summer and first four games of the season were already enough to decide that BOB could never stand up to the coaching skills --- sorry, SKILZ --- of URBAN MEYER ("WE F*CKING LOVE YOU URBAN!"). And where was my head, thinking that being able to hold on (so far) to the #1 TE recruit and one of the top QB recruits in the country for 2013 demonstrated some sort of recruiting acumen on the part of our staff. Obviously, URBAN MEYER ("I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ABOUT TO SHIT MYSELF, URBAN!") just hasn't gotten around to calling them yet.

And how silly of me to think the that teams like Nebraska, Iowa, Michigan, Michigan State, and Wisconsin might be able to consistently compete in the Big Ten (Wisconsin and Michigan?? Look what you've reduced me to Andy Staples. I hate you). They are merely minor annoyances to URBAN MEYER ("PSST, URBAN. IT'S ME. I'M IN THE CLOSET. ARE YOU AWAKE? WANNA HANG OUT?"). Thanks for playing guys.

And how could I let myself believe in silly things like "gentlemen's agreements". I guess I forgot about my #cultureproblem. Thankfully, URBAN MEYER ("NO, NO URBAN. DON'T SCREAM. IT'S OK, IT'S JUST ME. YOU'RE JUST A LITTLE WOOZY FROM THE CHLOROFORM. HERE, LET ME SHOW YOU THE SCULPTURE I MADE OF YOU OUT OF SKOAL AND PLASTIC BUCKEYE NECKLACES. PRETTY COOL, HUH? HEY, IF YOU PROMISE NOT TO RUN I'LL UNTIE YOU. I F*CKING LOVE YOU!") will demonstrate what really matters in college football by whipping the ass of every other team in the Big Ten over the next five years, honor be damned. That sounds like the kind of re-education the NCAA had in mind, anyway.

So thank you Andy Staples, for giving me one less thing to worry about. I'm sorry I gave you the page views. I hope you contract genital lice and leprosy.

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