As you know, America is suffering for a want of good male names.

Tyler? Chad? Brayden? Cyler (sorry, Sandersons), I mean, come on, what is this crap?

Also, a girl just walked by me as I was writing this and damned if there's anything more distracting than the scent of a woman as she walks by and the air brings it to you. Dadgum.

I could write a country song about that.

ANYWAY, Penn State has gotten a quarterback from Bakersfield, California.

As some of us know, Bakersfield, California can lay claim to THE BEST DAMN COUNTRY MUSIC ARTIST WHO EVER LIVED, MERLE "Untamed Hawk" HAGGARD, in addition to such notables as BUCK OWENS, DWIGHT YOAKAM, TOMMY COLLINS, BILL WOODS, BONNIE OWENS, and WYNN STEWART. Such legendary instrumentalists as Roy Nichols, James Burton, Ralph Mooney, Tom Brumley, and Don Rich have also called Bakersfield home.

So Penn State recruiting a quarterback from Bakersfield, California is almost as cool as recruiting a quarterback from, like, Biglerville.

I need your help though! Tyler Ferguson needs a nickname to replace his first name. Sorry, but Tyler ain't good enough for a quarterback coming from Bakersfield, California.

See the poll.

My suggestions:

HOSS - This is a nickname befitting any man from classic country country like Bakersfield, California. It also pays tribute to the late, great WAYLON FREAKING JENNINGS.

BUCKY - I have an uncle named Buck. He coached Kyle Brady for Little League.

PHILO - Every Which Way But Loose is an atrocious movie, but Clint Eastwood is great and so is the name Philo.

TOMMY - This would amuse me because it would remind me of a classic Merle song.