Bill O'Brien and Charlie Fisher Explore Their Options

[/sends royalty check to Black Heart Gold Pants.]

April 20, 2012, 5:00 p.m., Lasch Football Complex, University Park, Pennsylvania. On the eve of the Blue-White Game, Penn State Head Coach Bill O'Brien surveys his new kingdom -- the sprawling football facility set in front of the sun-drenched, rolling mountains of central Pennsylvania. The chirps of birds intertwined with the chirps of coaching whistles. The wafting, organic scent of cow manur--THUD--OWWWWWWW.

Coachwhistle_medium TWEEEEEEEEET TWEEEEEEEEET TWEEEEEEEEEEEEEET.

Screencapture25v_medium OH MY GOD, STAN, ARE YOU OKAY?

Screencapture26p_medium Charlie, what the hell?

Screencapture25v_medium COACH HIXON IS DEAD, BILL.

Screencapture32_medium No, guys, I just need a minute. I was standing over th--

Screencapture25v_medium HE WAS HIT BY A FOOTBALL IN THE TEMPLE AND NOW HE'S DEAD.

Screencapture26p_medium Goddamnit. Okay, where did Paterno used to hide the bodies around here?

Screencapture25v_medium I DON'T KNOW! IT WASN'T IN OUR TEN-DAY COMPLIANCE TRAINING!

Screencapture32_medium Um, you guys? Can one of you please help me up?

Screencapture25v_medium /sobs uncontrollably


Screencapture26p_medium Damn it, Rob. What did I tell you about throwing at Coach Hixon's head when he wasn't looking?

Screencapture33h_mediumStop...doing it?


Screencapture26p_medium So why the hell did you --

Screencapture33h_medium I wasn't aiming for him!

Screencapture26p_medium Charlie, what play was that?

Screencapture25v_medium Middle halfback screen.

Screencapture26p_medium Why was Stan in the middle of the field during a drill?

Screencapture25v_medium Coach, he was standing on sideline, about 20 yards behind the quarterbacks. Look, I've done all I can with these guys. I guess it couldn't hurt to tweak their mechanics a bit:

Screencapture29w_medium...

Screencapture29w_medium /looks around practice field

Screencapture35_medium /incomplete

Screencapture34h_medium/incomplete

Screencapture35_medium /underthrow

Screencapture34h_medium/overthrow

Screencapture35_medium /interception

Screencapture34h_medium/interception

Screencapture33h_medium /interception

Screencapture29w_medium ...

Tuesday morning, 6 a.m., coaches' meeting room.

Screencapture26p_medium Nobody can know about this, Charlie. It'll kill morale if the team discovers we were working out new quarterbacks in secret.

Screencapture25v_medium About that, Bill. You know Danny O'Brien decided to play for Wisconsin. We all love Sunshine McGregor, but everyone knows he's not the answer. We're stuck with what we have unless you can come up with another idea, and NCAA regulations don't really allow a lot of flexibility. Besides, a new quarterback won't have the benefit of spring practice.

Screencapture26p_medium Relax. Where we're going, we don't need practice. SEND IN THE FIRST QUARTERBACK!

Jugsmachine2_medium

Screencapture25v_medium No. No way. I'm not coaching a Jugs Machine. I'm pretty sure we can't do that. It doesn't even have wheels. I know you have a thing for immobile quarterbacks, but--

Screencapture28_mediumAlright, let's see what this one's got!

Jugsmachine2_medium









/overthrows Devon Smith in his Rascal



Screencapture26p_medium Shit. Next!


[Enter three cheerleaders with a water balloon launcher and a portable stereo playing the Glee version of Fleetwood Mac's "Don't Stop"]



16180lg_medium


Screencapture28_medium Well?

Screencapture25v_medium Not only are those girls, but playing them would put us over 11 players on the... [sigh]. Fine.


Screencapture26p_medium Quite right. Let's see where this goes. Wait. Charlie, Strollo! Get in there!



Launcher2j_medium

Screencapture30_medium

Screencapture25v_medium Okay, okay. Fun, but not exactly effective. Anything el--what the hell is that?


Screencapture26p_medium BACK IT IN, BOYS.



Trebuchet2_medium


Screencapture25v_medium Okay, that is very clearly a giant trebuchet from Punkin Chunkin, dressed in a massive Penn State jers-- wait a minute. This is ridiculous, Bill. You're trolling the crap out of me right now, aren't you?


Screencapture31e_medium

Screencapture26p_medium Yes, and by the way, you're fired if our quarterbacks don't have a 2:1 touchdown to interception ratio this year.
Screencapture25v_medium /sobs uncontrollably, posts resume to CareerBuilder
26447enusiquestionmark_medium I'm here and ready to help!


Psuicehockey2_medium




Screencapture26p_medium Jay, what are you doing?

Screencapture36_medium I'm here to compete for the starting job!

Screencapture26p_medium Jay, you're in your 40's and don't have any remaining eligibility. Also, that is quite clearly hockey equipment and...look, I appreciate the spirit, but please, let's not waste precious time.
Screencapture25v_medium Oh, now we're not wasting time?

Screencapture36_medium But look! /throws screen pass into Stan Hixon's ankles

Screencapture29w_medium ...
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