I, Mr. Rosewater, do find myself guilty of graduating, supporting, dreaming, funding, and overall smiling with giddy nostalgic happiness at the now pummeled institution we now call The Pennsylvania State University, or as you call it "Penn State".There are several actions you can take to punish me for my past affiliations. But I want to let you know that I am currently re-tiling my shower stalls. I was going to go with blue and white but the guy at Home Depot said red and yellow might be better because, you know, I am guilty of Jerry Sandusky's horrible crimes against children.
I confess: I knew who Jerry Sandusky was before the rest of the country became aware of his existence and his virulent transgressions. He was what our football culture labeled "Defensive Coordinator". I knew that all the way back in 1992 when I first set foot on campus in State College, Pennsylvania. Guilty!!!
I apologize. You want to exact punishment now without any due process or consideration of my point of view. Okay. But before you take me to the showers - hahahaha - I want to let you know that as of now my opinion of the four "leaders" cited in the Freeh Report is less than favorable. I've almost given up on them. I hope I'm wrong but man it does not look good.
Hey, by the way, have you guys watched Game of Thrones on HBO?
Man, those Dragons kicked butt! Hey, maybe you'll let us change our mascot from Nittany Lions to Baby Dragons. Yeah!! And maybe we'll change "Penn State" to the "House of the Undying"? You know, to separate ourselves from pedophilia to a magical house of magic?
Okay, okay, on to the punishment. Look, I don't have much money. But take it and keep it in your bank account. What else? I've got two cats that I love. Send them to the shelter? I dunno. Does Mark Emmert love cats? Maybe he can take care of them. Pussy cats are all alike, right? What else? The Penn State football team? Okay. I'm not affiliated with the football department but if you think it'll hurt me then go for it. I mean, after all, whatever makes you feel justice has been served. I'm cool like that. I respect your position. What else? Take away my HBO? That's fine. There's nothing else on until Game of Thrones returns next year. Take HBO away for five years? That's fine. I've read all the books so I know what will happen. Take away my books? That's fine. I have it memorized. Take away my memory?
Have you been watching too many movies?
Hey hey, whatever. I didn't know you had access to fictional technology. Wipe away my memories. I don't need them. I've always believed we are doomed to our destinies anyway.
Suspend Black Shoe Diaries? Okay. We are all Penn State affiliated. And it is founded on our football culture. You know, cuz no other school has football culture except us. We are all about football unlike USC, Alabama, Notre Dame, Florida State, Appalachian State (they beat Michigan), and Michigan. Nope. They can't touch us when it comes to tradition and heritage and the tradition of heritage.
In fact, punish all of us punitively and rest assured those other schools will
think twice about reporting child abuse or any other sex crime to the police behave and comply accordingly.
Yes, take away my life and everyone else's lives and passions so that child abuse may be wiped from this planet. Because punishing us will temper the sexual urges of pedophiles. Thank God the statue was taken down!! Having it stand would mean more children will be raped. It would be a reminder to the masses that children would be raped. Not only do the Masses not want to be reminded, they also won't do anything about it because surely they cannot donate money to child abuse foundations and such because the economy is in the Pitts. Just like it's easier for sports journalists to decry the existence of Penn State than it is to enter their credit card numbers to a charity dedicated to such crimes because it's unwise to broadcast your credit card number to the public. I mean, someone might steal Stephen A. Smith's identity!!!
Look, I get it. You, the NCAA, are punishing me because there's no other way for you to fight child abuse, right?There's no other way a powerful, rich, organization can bring justice to these heinous crimes other than to take my HBO away.
You're right. I can't think of another way.