Ed Ruth says The Death Penalty is always a possible condition when wrestling him

717! Where the corn is growing, the roosters are crowing, and the Marsteller takedowns are flowing!

It is summer. And as you might remember from your years of experience on this planet, summer is followed by autumn. Know what that means, Sherlock?

What, you don't know? You ain't no Sherlock. You're sure to lock up when anything awesome in life presents itself. Like wrestling, or a good-looking woman who, somehow, despite the fact that you're a disgusting and whimpering pile of Okie or Hawkeye dog puke, shows even the slightest interest in you. You're sure to lock up and you'll fail, because you don't know what life really is.

Life is a wrestling match.

Now there are some men and women out there who wrestle well, but not really well. They play soccer, win, get drunk on the Today Show. Or they run for President and win. And then there are men who actually wrestle. The Jacobs and Ed Ruths of this world.

Listen up, pansies. Yeah, and by pansies, I mean YOU DISGUSTING CRETINS IN IOWA, OKLAHOMA, UPSTATE NEW YORK, OHIO, AND MINNESOTA. And everyone of you rats at 184. There are men who do well in life because they try to dominate everything in life, whether that's getting a driver's license, or getting a college education, or WINNING THE DAMN NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP AT 174 LBS AND MAJORING SOME BASQUE GENIUS BOY FROM STANFORD WHO, BY THE WAY, BEAT YOU THE YEAR BEFORE AND EVERYONE WAS ALL LIKE, "OH, YOU DON'T STAND A CHANCE, 717 KID."

Bull! The 717 knows all, sees all, hears all, DEFEATS ALL.

You signed that consent decree when you shook hands before the match. You shouldn't have signed that consent decree. You'uns are going to die. Robert Hamlin? Dead. Ryan Loder? EXPLODER! Steve Bosak? Wrestling Ruth will result in him taking lots of PROZAC. Kevin Steinhaus? Ain't no punk named KEVIN gonna beat Ed Ruth. Ben Bennett? His name will soon be Bent Bennett. Josh Ihnen? His nickname is Josh "Help, Ruth just tore a hole through my skull and the sheer force of his will is pulling my spleen through the hole" Ihnen. Grant Gambrall? AHAHAHAHA!

Ruth = unstoppable killing machine

The official soundtrack for all Ed Ruth matches

717 out

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