STATE COLLEGE, PA - NOVEMBER 12: A fan pumps up the crowd before Penn State players make their way into the stadium before playing Nebraska in a college football game at Beaver Stadium on November 12, 2011 in State College, Pennsylvania. Head football coach Joe Paterno was fired amid allegations that former Penn State defensive coordinator Jerry Sandusky was involved with child sex abuse. Penn State is playing their final home football game against Nebraska. (Photo by Patrick Smith/Getty Images)
How have you been, buddy? Summer is drawing to a close, and thanks to Shelia in HR wearing her Polamalu jersey to work, you remembered that football is almost here. In fact, ol' pal, college football starts tonight! I know, I'm excited too, but relax. It's not the same since we last saw each other. Let's see what you missed.
While you were summering in the Hamptons with whatever a Kardashian is, a lot has happened with your beloved Penn State team. First, we have a new coach. His name is Bill O'Brien. Can you believe that? A stinkin' Irishman is coaching OUR Nittany Lions. Joe Paterno is rolling over in his grave.
Oh. You hadn't heard. Well at least it won't be awkward anymore. Also, his statue isn't outside the stadium anymore, but let's not get into that. You go put on some of that green aloe shit and meet me after the jump.
The biggest change you're going to see is the uniform. Apparently, our players have names. I know, I was surprised too. I've been yelling numbers at my TV like Helen Keller for years! Some of the older alumni are up in arms about this, but just wait an hour and they'll be napping again. Old Man Euler loves him some nameless jerseys, but you and I know that it's the heart inside the jersey that matters, right? I mean, all of the old traditions eventually go by the wayside, eventually. There are no more neck rolls, no more giant shoulder pads, no more single-bar facemasks. Gone are the days of the fullback without facial hair, the clean shorn quarterback, and the Count Basie played on the Victrola during practice.
In other changes, you are probably going to have to think about trading in some of your wardrobe. Because of the new "names on jerseys" Draconian policy, some of your clothes are outdated. Here are the jerseys you can get rid of: #19 (Justin Brown apparently prefers good quarterbacks...HMPF), #25 (Silas Redd is a Trojan...HORSE!), #11 (Khairi Fortt is a Cal Bear), #30 (Anthony Fera cowered in fear all the way home to Texas), #1 (Rob Bolden took his talents to LSU), and #10 (Kevin Haplea is now a Seminole...more like Seme[REDACTED PER SBN POLICY], AMIRIGHT?). Also, some other guys you've never heard of transferred to schools you don't care about. What's that? Your sister works with a guy from NC State? Well, their secondary is fucked, so tell your sister to pound dirt.
OK, so we're caught up, right? New coaches, new clothes, mostly the same players. You're all set for the next 12 weeks.
That's what I forgot. No, it's only 12 weeks, no exceptions. APPARENTLY, the NCAA has a problem when a former coach commits heinous crimes against children. I mean, we all have a problem with that, but the NCAA decided it gave them grounds to cancel our postseason for the next four years. Don't worry, we can still play the regular season, which totally matters in college football, so all is not lost.
And don't be mad at the NCAA, they are totally upholding the values of the student-athlete here. You think they'd punish us and just let some athletes take bogus classes forced upon them by bogus advisors who give said athletes bogus grades in said bogus classes for a number of years? Yes, because that shit is below the NCAA. They don't concern themselves with grades scandals, pay-for-play scandals, bribery, recruiting violations, people named Bernie, people named Nevin, and some other stuff that you don't need to worry about.
Well, now you're ready. Games start today at 7pm, and Penn State kicks off every Saturday at noon. For twelve weeks straight. For four years. And don't bother turning on BTN for highlights, recaps, or Penn State themed programming. We're not on there, ever.
P.S. - If you're rejoining us from two years ago, and are wondering who in the hell is running this place, a lot has changed around here, too. But this post was written drunk, so we're not all bad. MISS U, MIKE.
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