Hey, Wha Happen? Penn State 35, Illinois 7

Bradley Leeb-US PRESSWIRE - Presswire

Don't know what happened against Illinois? All your questions get answered in 'Hey, Wha Happen?'

It's called karma, Tim. It's also known as justice. Oh, I know you have excuses for sending your entire coaching staff to State College. I heard you stumble and mumble your way through the BigTen media days, doing your best - which wasn't much - to disguise your scumbag-ness.

"We didn't go to Penn State."

Really? Everyone saw you there.

"I mean, we went to Penn State, just not on campus. But we didn't go after any of their players."

Really? You didn't call any Penn State players?

"Well, I mean, we called them to let them know we were in town, and invited them to meet with us."

What a joke. Illini faithful would have us believe that Beckman and his staff all went to see Ryan Nowicki, the redshirt freshman guard who didn't make the depth chart coming out of spring practice. That's right - you fly nine people to State College for a Ryan Nowicki, because Ryan Nowickis don't grow on trees.

You're a loser, Beckman. And if abandoning your team to chase Penn Staters didn't prove it, then the blowout loss on Saturday surely did. You inherited four NFL players on defense - Spence, Buchanan, Brown, and Hawthorne - and your defense sucks. You've made your quarterback worse. You barely use the really good running back you have. And Brian Griese makes fun of your coaching decisions from the announcers booth. You're a mouth breathing stooge, Beckman. May God have mercy on your soul.

Bill O'Brien, on the other hand, may be canonized before his first season is in the books. He took in a sick, homeless man (Ted Roof); washed his feet; gave him food, players and two assistant coaches; and now that man is on the road to redemption. For his second miracle, Bill took the spare offensive linemen that everyone derided; plays 9 of them every week; and now they are a strength of his team. And, of course, he placed his hands on Matt McGloin - and transformed him into the Big Ten's leading passer. That's three certified miracles. Someone call Vatican City.

How about it, O-B? Congrats on vanquishing your foe, and earning your first Big Ten win. Want to celebrate a little?

"We have a really good Northwestern team coming in, and we're going to have to play a lot better than we did today to win that game."

That's right, of course. He praises when the team is down. He pushes when the team is up. And though Penn State curb stomped the hapless Illini by four touchdowns, it probably should have been at least six. McGloin wasn't as sharp as we've seen him. The o-line was beaten a few times. And the defense allowed almost 300 yards passing.

Lots of work to do. Lots of sinners yet to save.

Three Completely Random, Probably Useless Thoughts

1) Is that Zack Zwinak, or John Cappelletti? Zwinak had 19 carries for 101 yards and two touchdowns. When the play is blocked for 0 yards, he gets 2. When it's blocked for 4, he gets 5 or 6. And when its the fourth quarter, and the defense is tired, and BO'B wants to ice the game, there aren't a lot of defenders happy to tackle the 230 lb bowling ball. Congrats on finding a role, young man. Your BSD pledge name is: 4-minute Zack.

2) Mauti, Mauti, Mauti, Mauti, Mauti.......Mautiness should be a word. This sentence needs more mautiness. Can you have too much mautiness? I submit that you can not.

3) Matt Stankiewitch, I haven't re-watched the tape yet. But I noticed that you had a 330-lb, NFL-ready nose tackle six inches from your face most of the day. And I don't recall him making more than one tackle. Furthermore, if I subtract McGloin's minus-20 yard brain fart, I see that PSU ran 51 times for nearly 200 yards. I'm thinking you had a lot to do with both of those things.


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