Obscure Sports Weekly: Archer Edition

Ok, not that kind of archer - Nick Laham

Your weekly roundup of the smaller Penn State sports, complete with plenty of forced "Archer" jokes!

The biggest news this week wasn't Lance Armstrong or Manti Te'o getting Catfish'd, it was that season four of "Archer" started and piss off if you disagree. What better way to honor that than by forcing a bunch of jokes from "Archer" into this week's OSW? If you're not more excited than Archer the time he found out Cheryl had a pet ocelot, then check your pulse.

Women's Basketball --

  • The Lady Lions had two games since the last edition of OSW, one against #NEBRASKETBALL and one against Wisconsin. Penn State won both games and scored at least 80 points in each game.
  • Against #NEBRASKETBALL, the ladies romped the Cornhuskers 80-58.
  • Maggie Lucas and Alex Bentley both went HAM on #NEBRASKETBALL, both of them going for 19 points. Ariel Edwards chipped in 15 points and 6 boards, while Dara Taylor put up 7 points and 8 assists.
  • The Lady Lion defense stifled the Cornhuskers, holding them to 22-70 shooting (28.6 percent). On a negative note, Penn State actually got outrebounded 45 to 41. But they won, so who gives a shit?
  • In their second game of the week, the Lady Lions Django'd Wisconsin, 84-40.
  • Penn State's best performer was Nikki Greene, who abused the Sconnies for 23 points and 14 rebounds. Bentley had 14 points and 5 dimes and Mia Nickson had 8 points and 9 rebounds. Lucas had an off night (11 points on 3-11 shooting), but she is still better than you are at basketball.
  • For the second straight game, scoring on PSU was harder than poaching a god damn egg properly. Wisconsin shot 14-53 (26.4 percent) from the field and a cool Kobe-in-Game-7-of-the-2010-Finals-esque 6-24 (25 percent) from three.

Men's Hockey --

  • Hardcore hockey fans were more excited than Cheryl when she first encountered the choke bot as the US Men's Under 18 National Team came to town to face the Nits.
  • Penn State actually won the first game of the back-to-back 5-2 (Yeah! Suck it, America!) before losing the second game 3-0.
  • In the week's "this is why we can't have nice things" moment, Penn State followed up their Team USA games by going out and losing to something called Neumann University, 3-2 in OT.
  • Against Neumann, the Nitanny Lions outshot whatever Neumann's mascot is (Google tells me they're called the Knights) 46-17. Safe to say, the loss was tougher than getting bit in the face by a stolen lemur.

Track and Field --

  • Track held the Nittany Lion Challenge (RECYCLING A JOKE) against notable schools like Albany, Cornell, Maryland and Oklahoma, and an unnotable school in Pitt.
  • In the field, Penn State won four events: men's and women's triple jump, men's 35 lb weight throw, and women's 20 lb weight throw.
  • On the track, Penn State won the men's one mile run, 800 meter run, 400 meter dash, 1,000 meter run, 200 meter dash, 3,000 meter run, distance medley and 4x400 medley. The ladies took home the 60 meter hurdles, 400 meter dash, 1,000 meter run, 200 meter dash and distance medley.

Women's Hockey --

  • Women's hockey took a road trip to the hell hole that is Schenectady, New York to take on Union, where they lost both games.
  • In the first game, the ladies lost 1-0. The game was decided on a goal with four minutes left in the third period, which is like a 1-0 baseball game decided on a late run. Or, as us Yankees fans call it, "the 2012 ALCS."
  • In the second game, the ladies lost 2-1. Penn State fell into the danger zone, allowing goals in the first and third periods to fall behind 2-0. PSU's Jess Desorcie scored a late goal, but the rally fell short.

Gymnastics --

  • Since I don't know anything about gymnastics, I'm just gonna lump men's and women's together every week. Starting with the women, they went to Illinois-Chicago and won 194.150-191.700. Penn State had a gymnast win all but one event (balance beam), two gymnasts (Sharaya Musser on vault and Madison Merriam on uneven parallel bars) nearly threw down perfect 10's (both got 9.900's).
  • Penn State's guys destroyed Army 447.850-404.150. Other than the pommel horse, the guys won every event, and took at least the top four spots in every event. That'll do, men's gymnastics. That'll do.

Swimming and Diving --

  • Both men's and women's SWIMMIN POOLS swam at Arkansas. The women swam against Arkansas and Missouri State, but the men only swam Missouri State because Arkansas doesn't have a guys team. So I'm just gonna claim PSU's guys beat Arkansas' guys. Cool? Cool.
  • The men did beat Missouri State 171-124. Swimming's scoring is really complicated and you probably don't care, so I'll sum it up as easily as possible: we won more events and took home more points for finishing 2nd, 3rd, 4th or 5th than Missouri State did.
  • The ladies also beat Missouri State 235-59. Which is awesome, until you see that Arkansas beat PSU 151.5-146.5. There is probably a Bobby Petrino joke in here somewhere. If you can figure it out, let me know.

Men's Volleyball --

  • The men's volleyball team had three matches in Hawaii. You are probably somewhere that isn't Hawaii (unless you're Manti Te'o's girlfriend and you took a surprise trip out there this week). Be jealous of them.
  • The results of there three matches were: loss to UCLA 3-2, win over Hawaii 3-2, win over Ohio State 3-0. Of course, those first two results don't matter because they beat Ohio State, so all is right in the world.
  • Taylor Hammond racked up 135 assists on the weekend, Aaron Russell has 32 kills and Connor Curry had 29 digs. But still, none of that would have mattered if they didn't beat Ohio State. Fortunately, they did, which makes me happier than Krieger around homeless people.

Men's and Women's Fencing --

  • Like I said last week, I don't know shit about fencing. I swear, I'll try and learn more, but for now I'm clueless. Which means I have to rely on what GoPSUSports.com says. According to them, guy's fencing won 5-0 last week and women's fencing won 5-1. They also say things like the men's saber team went 41-4, while the women's team went 44-10. We won! Go fencing! (Yes, I know that analysis was more lame than a blimp. Sorry, fencing bros.)

The Week Ahead --

  • Lady's Shootyhoops have two games: one in Ann Arbor against Michigan on Monday, and one against Minnesota on Thursday at the BJC. Because they play Michigan, I'd like to remind you that this shirt exists and you should own it.
  • Both hockey teams have games next week: the ladies go up to Syracuse for a game on Friday, while the guys have two game. The first is this Saturday against Vermont in Philly (my buddy Smitty and his partner-in-crime Jared will be doing PBP at this link, listen to it and tell them Bill sent you), then have a game six days later at home against Michigan State.
  • Track and Field have this upcoming weekend off, but have another meet at home next weekend, this one is called the Penn State National, which mixes my favorite school with one of my favorite bands.
  • Men's gymnastics are taking a trip to Annapolis to take part in the Navy Open, while the women's team host Minnesota, Kent State and Towson at Rec Hall. I can't think of any jokes from "Archer," but Stanford has a girl named Alex Archer, which is close enough.
  • SWIMMIN POOLS also have a week off, but return to the pool next week for their first home meet since November as they take on Navy. As someone who has two younger sisters that swim and has been to hundreds of swim meets, I can say that if you've never been to a swim meet, you're not missing anything except for a horrible case of fromunda.
  • The volleyball team have three matches, all of them are at home: Friday against some guy named Lewis, Tuesday against Loyola-Chicago and next Friday against Sacred Heart. I'll give everyone from Sacred Heart $10 if they sing this song as they come out to warm up.
  • No fencing this weekend, but the men have a meet in Queens against Columbia, Harvard, Notre Dame, Ohio State and St. John's next Saturday. Women don't have another meet until February 9. Slackers.
  • Making their debut next week in the "The Week Ahead" section will be men's and women's tennis, as well as men's lacrosse. And what better way to end something with a bunch of "Archer" references than a shot out to lacrosse? (The answer, of course, is more Krieger, but I digress)
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