The story of your botched investigation threatens to displace the Te'o hoax as the most captivating narrative of a young 2013. It reveals a culture of gross incompetence, arrogance, and capricious decision-making.

As a Penn Stater greatly affected by your lazy, dictatorial decisions regarding my fine institution, permit me to ask you a few questions. (Some may sound familiar -- purely coincidental, I'm sure.)

A) What did you know when? (Here's a hint: As the czar of the NCAA, which allegedly oversees ALL collegiate sports activities, you should have known everything immediately. Just 'fess up, and these questions will get easier.)

B) Did you have underlings handling at least part of this situation? Are there established policies and procedures on how they should respond? Do those people and processes lead to you, by any chance?

C) Right now, I'd say the vast body of public opinion thinks you/NCAA are (1) stupid, (2) incompetent, (3) both; feel free to cast your ballot, using one of those three choices. Your answer, please.

D) This incident is extremely embarrassing and brings great shame on the NCAA. With the benefit of hindsight, do you wish you had done more?

The world awaits your answers. Hurry up! Do you think you should have time to wait for all the facts to emerge, followed by rational, calm discussion? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!