We're finally here. The Final Four. The four that I think have the best shot at winning the BSDrink Off, sponsored by McDonald's*, I'm Lovin' It! (DISCLAIMER: you know where I'm going with this). All four of these possible alcoholics have the chance to do something legendary this weekend: out drink the competi...wait, what? GOD DAMMIT.
4) Nikki Bowser*
I was all set to have Nikki here because, her words, "I go to OU (read: we drink a lot), I've never consumed a wine cooler, and I do have a high tolerance for alcohol, especially tequila." THEMZ FIGHTIN' WORDS. Between that and the fact that she's in a sorority, I expected her to wipe the floor with some of us. But alas, she revealed yesterday that she cannot attend. Everything is chaos and life as we know it should be questioned. She will be ranked with the bscaff's of the world in our final rankings tomorrow.
3) Nick Polak
YO FRAT BRO YO GONNA CRUSH ME SOME MILLER LIGHT IN MY $AMMY FRANCHISE JERSEY YO. Nick is a member of Acacia, which is frat for "cirrhosis of the liver." He has also probably talked more shit than anyone else in the competition, which is certainly something that was taken into consideration. I've also seen Nickle Pickle drink, and the dude can put them down.
Putting him third and not higher was for two reasons: 1) He's probably already drunk in anticipation of this weekend (both because he's a frat bro and a student teacher at an elementary school), so I don't know how much he'll be able to put down on Saturday before needing a hospital. 2) The two competitors ahead of him are the Messi and Ronaldo of drinking. Also, anything I can do to make Nick feel bad, I must do.
2) Dan Vecellio
Another quote from Onward State Managing Editor Kevin Horne: "I've never seen someone who can drink as much as Dan." Now, most of you don't know Kevin, but I do. He's from Williamsport, Pennsylvania and knows a ton of people up here. The fact that Dan is better than all of them is the most impressive thing I've ever heard. It's remarkable. Dan is also in grad school. Only two kinds of people go to grad school: people who want to further their education because they have a high standard of living that can only be satiated with the best job possible, and drunks who never want to leave college. Since Dan watches pro wrestling, I go with the second option. Dan is also a Buffalo sports fan, which means everything when we find out in 2018 that Dan suffers from alcoholism.
Now, don't get me wrong, the fact that Dan is ranked second doesn't mean everything. If the favorite has a 50 percent chance of winning, Dan has a 49 percent chance of winning. It's a close competition. But I don't have a story about Dan. I have a story about our #1 person.
1) Chad Markulics
It's the Saturday of the Blue/White game. Chad tells me that he got bombed before the game, went to a friend's house, took a nap, and woke up with a hangover. We go to Bar Bleu, get there around 10:30 or 11. Chad left around 12:30 or 1.
In that short span of time, Chad put on the single most impressive drinking performance I've ever seen. He put down a fishbowl in half an hour (for those unaware, a fishbowl is pure alcohol and some sugar). He finished that, and he bought ANOTHER fishbowl, and put it down just as fast. By this point, Chad is dancing with someone who neither of us have ever seen again. So what does he do? BEER. Chad puts down two or three more beers, dances some more, and rolls out. The man is a pure thoroughbred. He is drinking's LeBron: he was born to do it and we all need to be in awe of his talent.
Chad is a fan of the Miami Dolphins (good God), Wolverhampton (GOOD GOD), the 76ers (CHAD, STOP), and Penn State men's shootyhoops. He is walking, talking, drinking machine. He is the most unassuming person you'll ever meet -- he's a big dude who is always in a good mood and an overall dapper gent -- but when he starts drinking, look out. Chad is LeBron. Chad is Kanye. Chad is the favorite.