There is a clear connection between Ohio State, Bruno Mars, and Selena Gomez

To begin, let us start with Selena Gomez's Love You Like A Love Song. This song is unquestionably the deepest song I have ever heard, for it elaborates on every point of the subject's beauty and the poet's love with tender care and powerful attention.

The song begins with the lines, "It's been said and done, every beautiful song been already sung." For the depth of human creativity apparently does know bounds.

She continues, "And I guess right now here's another one." I guess?

My friends, how all young men long for the day when a fair maiden will follow their first kiss by looking them in the eyes and saying, "I guess I love you."

So your melody will play on and on, with the best of 'em
You are beautiful, like a dream come alive, incredible

Eat your heart out, Tim Hardin.

Skipping to the second verse, we find this:

You just do to me, what you do

Welp. Now I shall finish with the chorus:

I, I love you like a love song, baby
I, I love you like a love song, baby
I, I love you like a love song, baby

And I keep hitting re-peat-peat-peat-peat-peat-peat

You know what? I give up. My theory is that the reason this song is so incredibly devoid of substance is that the singer's love is, in fact, Jerry Reed's Ko-Ko-Joe. You see, the folks didn't understand the man Ko-Ko-Joe. Folks despised him. His breath smelled funky, and the river was his only friend ("Son!"). Therefore, it is difficult if not impossible to describe such a unique love. The solution? Give up. Write the song I have just brought to your attention.

Next up, we come to the most despicable song I have ever heard. It's called Gorilla. It was written by Bruno Mars, Ari Levine, Philip Lawrence, and performed by Mr. Mars.

Ladies and gentlemen, these lyrics are real. I did not make them up. Once again, they are in italics, whereas my thoughts are not.

Ooh I got a body full of liquor
With a cocaine kicker
And I'm feeling like I'm thirty feet tall
So lay it down, lay it down

Someone hasn't listened to his JJ Cale.

You got your legs up in the sky
With the devil in your eyes


Let me hear you say you want it all

You see, he's talking about his penis.

Look what you're doing, look what you've done
But in this jungle you can't run
'Cause what I got for you
I promise it's a killer,
You'll be banging on my chest
Bang bang, gorilla

Unintentional genius here, as Mr. Mars subtly hints about the darker side of sexuality, with bestiality and rape left to be inferred and thereby contemplated, philosophically. All this from a series of lines that were written solely with the following premise: hurr durr hurr durrr.

Moving on...

Yeah, I got a fistful of your hair
But you don't look like you're scared
You just smile and tell me, "Daddy, it's yours."

Seneca Falls is the past, and so are voting rights; Bruno Mars is the future, ladies. Just say you're welcome.

And you're screaming, "Give it to me baby,
Give it to me, motherfucker!"

Later that week, one of the lovers, remembering her Catholic upbringing (before things went South, her family says) felt compelled to open the Word, and came upon Psalm 38:7: "For my loins are filled with a loathsome disease: and there is no soundness in my flesh."

I bet you never ever felt so good, so good
I got your body trembling like it should, it should
You'll never be the same baby once I'm done with you

I bet.

And so, in summary:

These two songs, Love You Like A Love Song and Gorilla, demonstrate that American popular culture excels at going into incredible details when it comes to grotesque and self-centered ideas of sexuality, but, like Tommies in the trenches of World War 1, has tired of writing cliche love songs to the point that cliches come out like, "I guess I love you. Yeah, you're so beautiful. I mean, I'm not sure why, but you are. Anyway. Nice weather today, eh?"

Now you are asking, "But what is the clear connection between Ohio State, Bruno Mars, and Selena Gomez?"

The answer, dear reader, is that any normal person would respond to these songs in a way that is exactly like a moment that will stay forever in posterity, accessible to all those who can see humanity's deepest, most qualitative aspects:


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