There are a ton of bowls and 90% of them suck. (I'm just warning you up front.) Let's review the damage in chronological order.
Gildan New Mexico Bowl
When: 12/21/13, 2 pm ET
Where: Albuquerque, NM, former home of Walter White
Who: Washington State (6-6) vs. Colorado State (7-6)
Spin: Mike Leach's Cougars bring the 102nd defense to bear against Colorado State (28th in total offense), who won 7 games for the first time since 2008.
Player to Watch: Nope. But maybe Mike Leach wears a pirate's eye patch.
Watchability: you're pathetic. Seriously - if you're watching this game, you should seek help.
Royal Purple Las Vegas Bowl
When: 12/21/13, 3:30 pm ET
Where: Vegas, baby. Vegas.
Who: #25 USC (9-4) vs. #20 Fresno State (11-1)
Spin: Fresno's #3 offense against Tommy Trojan's #16 defense. Whoa - #16 in total defense, despite getting shellacked by Arizona State?
Player to Watch: Silas Redd, sitting on the bench with a knee injury. Also, Marquise Lee.
Watchability: Purple drank.
Famous Idaho Potato Bowl
When: 12/21/13, 5:30 pm ET
Where: Boise, ID
Who: Buffalo (8-4) vs. San Diego State (7-5)
Player to Watch: #46 Kahlil Mack, DE/LB for Buffalo. 10.5 sacks on the year - 2.5 of which came against Ohio State.
Watchability: both of these awful teams lost to Ohio State. Way to challenge yourself, Buckeyes.
R+L Carriers New Orleans Bowl
When: 12/21/13, 9 pm ET
Where: New Orleans
Who: Tulane (7-5) vs. LA-Lafayette (8-4)
Spin: Tulane finally makes a bowl, and can't even square a per diem. Tulane has the #118 offense. But they have a chance because the Ragin' Cajuns are #58 on defense.
Player to Watch: always draft a cornerback from the Sun Belt
Watchability: only after clearing at least one handle of vodka
Beef O'Brady's St. Petersburg Bowl
When: 12/23/13, 2 pm ET
Who: East Carolina (9-3) vs. Ohio (7-5)
Spin: watch Frank Solich drive drunk thru a Bojangles
Player to Watch: Shane Carden threw for nearly 4000 yards and 32 TDs this year. You have no idea what I'm even talking about, do you?
Watchability: self immolate
Sheraton Hawaii Bowl
When: 12/24/13, 8 pm ET
Who: Boise State (8-4) vs. Oregon State (6-6)
Spin: farewell, Boise State. It's been cool.
Player to Watch: Sean Mannion, QB, Beavers. 4400 yards and 36TDs. 3-year starter. Never won anything. Honorary Nick Foles.
Watchability: it's Christmas Eve. Do you have no friends and family?! Oh - sorry. Then by all means. Go right ahead.
Little Caesars Bowl
When: 12/26/13, 6 pm ET
Where: Detroit, the romance city
Who: Bowling Green (10-3) vs. Pitt (6-6)
Spin: BG got housed by Indiana, 42-10, and lost to Toledo. But they are your MAC Champion.
Player to Watch: Pitt true frosh, and one-time PSU commit Tyler Boyd. He grabbed 77 balls for 1,001 yards and 7 TDs.
Watchability: only if Pitt gets destroyed. Chances of that? 78%
SD County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl
When: 12/26/13, 9:30 pm ET
Where: San Diego
Who: #23 Northern Illinois (12-1) vs. Utah State (8-5)
Spin: the Mountain West runner-up vs. the MAC runner-up. Read: 2nd place teams from 2nd place conferences.
Player to Watch: Jordan Lynch. Number and position not required, as he is the only player on offense for the Huskies.
Watchability: time to pull out some Chaucer
When: 12/27/13, 2:30 pm ET
Where: 15 minutes from my house
Who: Marshall (9-4) vs. Maryland (7-5)
Spin: in their last game as a member of the ACC, the Terps stay in state for a bowl they don't want to attend, and lose to the Conference USA runner-up. Another fun fact: Terp Alumni Relations blasted an email asking folks to buy tickets because...wait for it...attendance can influence future bowl bids. Nope - don't go because you like the team, or you want to see them play. Go to Annapolis because if you don't, our shitty reputation will continue to suffer.
Player(s) to Watch: this is your last chance to see #11 Devon Smith //trips on 40-yard line
Watchability: I wouldn't go if I had a free ticket, despite it being 15 minutes from my house.
When: 12/27/13, 6 pm ET
Who: Minnesota (8-4) vs. Syracuse (6-6)
Spin: two Penn State opponents square off 1,500 miles from home, with no reason for appearing in Houston whatsoever, and no reason for playing whatsoever, with nothing whatsoever at stake, or to prove. CATCH THE EXCITEMENT!
Player to Watch: you've already seen them
Watchability: actually - not so terrible.
Fight Hunger Bowl
When: 12/27/13, 9:30 pm ET
Where: San Francisco
Who: BYU (8-4) vs. Washington (8-4)
Spin: is Chris Petersen on the sideline for the Huskies now? Or is that not until after this bowl game?
Player to Watch: the U-Dub tailback
Watchability: good enough for me. They're both reasonably physical teams.
New Era Pinstripe Bowl
When: 12/28/13, Noon ET
Where: Yankee Stadium
Who: Notre Dame (8-4) vs. Rutgers (6-6)
Spin: if anyone says this is "the battle for " - oh come on, already.
Player to Watch: Tommy Rees, in hopes he derps the Domers' hearts one last time.
When: 12/28/13, 3:20 pm ET
Where: Charlotte, NC
Who: Cincinnati (9-3) vs. UNC (6-6)
Spin: Belk is a chain of mid-range, and in some locales, upscale retail department stores, founded by Henry Belk of Monroe, NC in 1888. They have 301 locations in 16 southern states, according to Wikipedia.
So how about that. You learn something new everyday here at BSD.
Player to Watch: the UNC tight end
Watchability: could someone find me a YouTube of a fat guy with 8 chins saying "Belk Bowl" over and over? Please post the link in the comments.
Russel Athletic Bowl
When:12/28/13, 6:45 pm ET
Who: #18 Louisville (11-1) vs. Miami (FL) (9-3)
Spin: go ahead and try taking a taxi from the airport to your hotel. I dare you. Also, this is your last chance of the year to see Al Golden sweat thru his white button down shirt.
Player to Watch: no, it isn't Teddy Bridgewater, the most overhyped QB of all-time. Unfortunately, it is also not Miami RB Duke Johnson, who is injured.
Watchability: yes, for the pit sweat
Buffalo Wild Wings Bowl
When: 12/28/13, 10:15 pm ET
Who: Michigan (7-5) vs. Kansas State (7-5)
Spin: for the love of God, please beat the Wildcats, Hoke. They suck. No, really. They're awful.
Player to Watch: Al Borges beats Kobayashi in a hot dog eating contest as part of the pre-game festivities.
Watchability: not really, unless it's still on when you come back from the bars. Alone. Again. You pathetic loser.
Bell Helicopter Armed Forces Bowl
When:12/30/13, 11:45 am ET
Where: Fort Worth
Who: Navy (7-4) vs. Middle Tennessee State (8-4)
Spin: start drinking before Noon Eastern (before 9 am Pacific).
Player to Watch: NONE SHALL PASS
Watchability: NONE SHALL PASS
Franklin American Mortgage Music City Bowl
When:12/30/13, 3:15 pm ET
Where: Nashville (cue Dueling Banjos)
Who: Ole Miss (7-5) vs. Georgia Tech (7-5)
Spin: let's see what ol' Ted Roof can do against Doctor Bo Wallace.
Player to Watch: the little fast guy on offense for Ole Miss
Watchability: what else are you gonna do?
Valero Alamo Bowl
When: 12/30/13, 6:45 pm ET
Where: San Antonio
Who: #10 Oregon (10-2) vs. Texas (8-4)
Spin: the two softest teams in major college football play patty-cake. Alternatively: if BYU ran for 400 yards against Texas, how many can Oregon rack up?
Player to Watch: Mack Brown pulls down his pants and drops a deuce at the 50-yard line in protest.
Watchability: only for the death scenes
National University Holiday Bowl
When: 12/30/13, 10:15 pm ET
Where: San Diego
Who: #14 Arizona State (10-3) vs. Texas Tech (7-5)
Spin: both of these teams kinda suck, but they sling the ball around real fast on offense.
Player to Watch: the gargantuan playing slot receiver for the Red Raiders
Watchability: Pull out the cheap likker and let's get lit.
AdvoCare V100 Bowl
When: 12/31/13, 12:30 pm ET
Who: Arizona (7-5) vs. Boston College (7-5)
Spin: run, run, run, score, run, run, run, score, run, run, run, score, run, run, run, score, run, run, run, score, run, run, run, score, run, run, run, score, run, run, run, score, run, run, run, score, run, run, run, score,
Player to Watch: Andre Williams, from Schnecksville, PA who just had the quietest 2,100 yards rushing in NCAA history.
Watchability: I'll pass. Too frustrating.
Hyundai Sun Bowl
When: 12/31/13, 2 pm ET
Where: El Paso
Who: VaTech (8-4) vs. #17 UCLA (9-3)
Spin: I was arrested by Mexican Federalis in Juarez, just across the border from El Paso. I'm alive because they took a $20 bribe. Twenty American buys 4 months rent and a set of used kidneys in Juarez.
Player to Watch: the UCLA true frosh linebacker turned tailback.
Watchability: only when UCLA has the ball
AutoZone Liberty Bowl
When: 12/31/13, 4 pm ET
Who: Rice (10-3) vs. Mississippi State (6-6)
Spin: BREAKING: Dan Mullen is not interested in the Penn State job because pedophilia.
Player to Watch: Rice probably has some smart overachiver who actually attended class. Maybe more than one.
Watchability: aaaaaannnddd that's a zero.
When: 12/31/13, 8 pm ET
Where: Atlanta (pronunciation key: uh LAN uh)
Who: #23 Duke (10-3) vs. #21 Texas A&M (8-4)
Spin: Last year this game featured LSU and Clemson. This matchup is as boring as a breaded chicken sammich.
Player to Watch: Duke's right tackle will be making his 52nd career start. How's that for some playin' time.
Watchability: I still can't stand Jonathan Football.
TAXSLAYER.com Gator Bowl
When: 1/1/14, Noon ET
Who: Nebraska (8-4) vs. #22 Georgia (8-4)
Spin: if the Huskers win, it's only because the Dawgs ain't got no players left, pawl.
Players to Watch: Taylor Martinez missed an entire season with turf toe? How is that possible?
Watchability: only for the first hour
Heart of Dallas Bowl
When: 1/1/14, Noon ET
Where: St. Paul, MN I'm bullshitting you. It's Dallas.
Who: UNLV (7-5) vs. North Texas (8-4)
Spin: raise your hand if you give a shit......anyone? Good. Let's move on.
Players to Watch: Watchability:
When: 1/1/14, 1 pm ET
Who: Iowa (8-4) vs. #16 LSU (9-3)
Spin: LSU will be without QB Zach Mettenberger. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing for LSU. Probably bad. But can the Tigers hunker down and stop the stretch zone run?
Players to Watch: Hawkeye left tackle Scherff. He was the conference's best tackle all season. I'm looking at you, Taylor Lewan.
Watchability: Yes. And it only took 24 bowls to reach this point.
Capital One Bowl
When: 1/1/14, 1 pm ET
Who: #19 Wisconsin (9-3) vs. #9 South Carolina (10-2)
Spin: The Big Ten ain't got no ath-uh-letes Pawl!
Players to Watch: white speed receiver Jared Abbredaris
Watchability: we're splitting time with Iowa/LSU.
Rose Bowl Game Presented by Vizio
When: 1/1/14, 5 pm ET
Who: #4 Michigan State (12-1) vs. #5 Stanford (11-2)
Spin: first team to score wins
Players to Watch: both defensive front 7's.
Watchability: thru the freakin' roof. What a Rose Bowl. Two physical teams anchored like battleships amidst a tepid ocean of pussy spread squads.
Tostitos Fiesta Bowl
When: 1/1/14, 8:30 pm ET
Where: Glendale (that's Phoenix)
Who: #15 UCF (11-1) vs. #6 Baylor (11-1)
Spin: can Baylor finally not play like dog ass away from home against a team with a pulse? Tune in to find out!
Players to Watch: Shawn Oakman, and the Norwood kid
Watchability: did you see that Rose Bowl! Wow, what a game that was.
Allstate Sugar Bowl
When: 1/2/14, 8:30 pm ET
Where: New Orleans (pronunciation guide: NAW-lins)
Who: #11 Oklahoma (10-2) vs. #3 Alabama (11-1)
Spin: OU went 10-2 without a quarterback. Thanks, Big 12. But now it's time to take your medicine Sooners. And then every asshole with a microphone will blabber about Bama and the SEC, conveniently forgetting the fact that OU has no quarterback, and generally sucked balls all year.
Players to Watch: over/under on times the broadcast crew pairs "AJ McCarron" and "leader" or "winner" together: 9.5
Watchability: there's nothing else on.
AT&T Cotton Bowl
When: 1/3/14, 7:30 pm ET
Where: Arlington (that's Jerry World, with the gigantic TVs)
Who: #13 Oklahoma State (10-2) vs. #8 Missouri (11-2)
Spin: Okie State lost to West Virginia by two scores. Missouri allowed nearly 600 yards rushing in their last game. It's gonna be a battle of titans.
Players to Watch: "Missouri has the best defensive front in our league!" - Nick Saban, four hours before Mizzou allowed 600 yards rushing.
Watchability: do we have to?
Discover Orange Bowl
When: 1/3/14, 8:30 pm ET
Who: #12 Clemson (10-2) vs. #7 Ohio State (12-1)
Spin: first team to 50 wins.
Players to Watch: only the offense
Watchability: at least it's not the AT&T Cotton Bowl
BBVA Compass Bowl
When: 1/4/14, 1 pm ET
Where: Birmingham, AL "We have shuttered iron works!"
Pitt Blue-vs.-Gold intrasquad scrimmage Vanderbilt (8-4) vs. Houston (8-4)
Spin: "We're BBVA Compass Bowl, sticking ourselves after the January 1 bowls like a gigantic internets troll face. We're also a bank. Bank with us, because troll face."
Players to Watch: the one Vandy WR
When: 1/5/14, 9 pm ET
Where: Mobile, AL. "We're a poor facsimile of New Orleans."
Who: Arkansas State (7-5) vs. Ball State (10-2)
Spin: We're GoDaddy.com bowl, sticking ourselves after the January 1 bowls like a gigantic internets troll face. We're also registering internet domains. Register domains with us, because tits.
Players to Watch: I'm not sure either of these teams even uses players or coaches. It might be just a mascot challenge.
Vizio BCS National Championship
When: 1/6/2014, 8:30 pm ET
Who: #1 Florida State (13-0) vs. #2 Auburn (12-1)
Spin: Neither team has played a game in a month. But hopefully, by the 3rd quarter, most of that rust should be knocked off.
Players to Watch: FSU's defense had 91 tackles for loss this year, and only one player had 10 or more: Timmy Jernigan, with 10.5. So....watch the entire defense, and let's see if they can stop the Auburn rush.
Watchability: this is it for 8 months. So we better enjoy it.
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