As many of you may or may not know, Black Shoe Diaries member gerrylovesnathalie officially and publicly announced last week his attention to cheer for the, er, excuse me, the Ohio State University Buckeyes in their Big Ten championship game against Michigan State and, further, cheer for them to win the mythical national championship. He had some completely interesting reasons for this - none of which I care to discuss because they were all made blessedly irrelevant by the Spartans and their very fine and superior team.
It has been suggested by none other than Cari herself that I, yours truly, come up with a penance for this man gerrylovesnathalie, as he has committed the egregious and nearly unforgivable sin of cheering for Ohio State in football. We have established as a community that such activity is destitute of any meaning but a meaning of treachery and rebellion against normative standards established by our leaders and our God. This, my friends, is a western society, and western, Christianized societies tend to believe in morals. The craziest post-modernists have not really won; no one anymore actually truly believes that there is no truth anywhere, and no right or wrong. All of those crazy people left the nation's philosophy departments in 1995 or so (and remember that American intellectual trends are often about ten years or so behind the Europeans; what is discussed by chain-smoking Frenchmen in a Paris cafe in 1965 will take some time to get to the US, where it will be treated as gold because, hey, the Europeans said it's cool). Objective truth does exist, and the truth is that Ohio State sucks.
Interestingly, it seems that gerrylovesnathalie is only receiving his penance because Ohio State lost. I wondered about this - was it really fair that he should receive his penance now that the chances for an Ohio State championship are - thank you, Lord - gone and done? This wondering gave me a realization: gerrylovesnathalie had potentially been saved from a horrible fate. Because Ohio State has lost, he has no reason to cheer for them against Clemson. Whether he liked it or not, Michigan State offered him a faint hope of never having to cheer for Ohio State again.
It is in crushing this hope that I find a measure of understanding of how to give him a terrible and mighty penance for him to pay.
gerrylovesnathalie, your penance is as follows:
- From now on, and for the next four seasons of college football, you will be forced to loudly, actively, and joyfully cheer for Ohio State in all games, including when they play Penn State. You will support all of their coaches and players. You will invest yourself emotionally and intellectually in support of Ohio State. You will specifically claim that their fans are the most polite and respectable of all American citizens. When they are caught in another cheating scandal, you will justify their actions and downplay the whole thing. You will make Ohio State's fight song your ringtone and your morning alarm. You will buy Ohio State clothing, and will never be allowed to wear Penn State gear. If you attend a Penn State game, you must show yourself to be an Ohio State fan and even make an effort to sit in their section. You will pretend that AJ Hawk is a good NFL linebacker. You will buy one of those awful "12-0 the Ohio Statement" shirts. You will vacation in the lush beach country of Ohio's shores of Lake Erie - the Midwestern Riviera. You will do anything and everything in your human power to be the very model of a delusional and hyper-partisan Ohio State football fan.
You will be an Ohio State fan for the next four years. Once you have finished paying your penance, you may take a long and abrasive sponge bath and possibly, just maybe be welcomed back into the fold.
You dirty skankwhore.