Did you forget about that special Penn State athlete on your holiday list this year? Well you're in luck, because Black Shoe Diaries is here to advise you on what gifts would be appropriate for all of our favorite Happy Valley stars. So pull out those checkbooks if need be*, and enjoy our lovely selections.
*Note- Black Shoe Diaries is happy to purchase any and all of these items for said players on your behalf. Just write a check for double the listed price, made out to Nick Polak.
Christian Hackenberg- Everyone's Favorite Little Black Book
I'd be lying if I said I haven't heard more than a few different rumors of Hack's total domination of the female population in State College during his first semester on campus. I always assumed that he would become the social king of the school, but I didn't realize it would happen within his first 5 months on campus. His swift and effortless rise to power reminds me of a young Alex Moran (Blue Mountain State reference, for those unaware). As a result of this, we at BSD want to help young Christian keep track of all these ladies, should he decide to return to one or maybe even pull a victory lap. Either way, we want him to be as prepared in his non-football life as he is on the field. Enjoy, Hack.
Bill Belton and Zach Zwinak- Cutters Brand Football Gloves with Super Glue
This is out of love, Bill and Zach. We just want what's best for you. Luckily for us, what's best for you in this case is what's best for us. And what's best for us would be for both of you to stop fumbling. For those who don't know, Cutters are known for being one of the stickiest gloves brands out there (I can attest to this, I own a pair). Adding super glue to those babies would just make it downright impossible for anyone to drop a football. And we've reached the point where I'm pretty sure something impossible is the only way the ball can stay in the hands of these two. Penn State football is a much more entertaining way to spend a Saturday when they know how to force their will on opponents via the ground game, and it will only continue to become more important thanks to how effective Hack is on play action. So please Bill and Zach, accept our gifts, and know that they also come with love.
Geno Lewis and Geno Thorpe- Matching Penn State Onesie Pajamas
Our future star Genos need to show off their Geno-tastic pride. What better way to do that than with matching onesie pajamas? That's right, there is no better way. Why onesie pajamas, you ask? If you can look me in the eyes and tell me that there has not been a point in the last 5 years of your life that you didn't wish you were wearing a soft, shirt-pants-socks combination, then I'd be forced to kill you because you're not human.
Also, when you google "Penn State pajamas kids", a result on the 5th line down is a JJ Watt shirt. Interpret that however you would like.
Allen Robinson- A New Suit
Whether it's this year or next, Allen Robinson is going to the NFL. It's fun to read his original Scout recruit report (here), and think about that. While he is foolishly not being listed as one of the top 3 potential wide receiver draft picks this season, private workouts and combines should change all of that. Therefore, A-Rob needs to be looking sharp when he's sitting at his table and waiting for his name to be called. So while we all hope that this present can be saved and re-gifted for next December, we have his future in mind anyway.
Glenn Carson- A Pair of Wrangler Jeans
Seems like the kind of guy who plays pick up football in his jeans with friends. Like good ol' Brett Favre.
Mike Hull- A Ticket for a Cruise to Hawaii
Mike was very clearly playing through injury for almost the entirety of the season. As great as it was to see him fighting through said injuries week after week, it was very clear that he was not the same Mike Hull who allowed us to feel comfortable without Mauti and Hodges and their insane production each week. Mike just needs to take some time to get some much needed rest and relaxation, have a few drinks, and heal up for next season.
John Urschel- My Homework
Work your magic big guy.
Miles Dieffenbach- A Whoopie Cushion
Thanks to the Training Days special on Penn State, Miles pretty firmly established his position as team class clown. Therefore, I believe that we should arm him with the classic whoopie cushion to place on the seats of the other linemen at team meetings. In particular, I imagine Donovan Smith sitting on a whoopie cushion would be strangely hilarious.
De'Andre Thompkins, Antoine White, Michael O'Connor, and Tarow Barney- A Map of Campus
As a way to welcome to early enrollees and JuCo commit for the 2014 class of recruits, I'm sure they would all appreciate a pocket sized map of campus. No one wants to be the one looking at one of those giant concrete maps that are placed right outside of common class buildings, allowing everyone to see that you are a freshman. Instead, let's help our future football stars strut the campus knowing exactly where they are going. O'Connor could even wear his on his wrist like a playbook, because why not.
The Wrestling Team- The BCS Crystal Football Trophy
Because what else in wrestling is there left for them to win?
Pat Chambers- A Dominating Big Man
With all respect to Donovan Jack (And Ross Travis to a degree) who have been much better than I anticipated they would be, Penn State still sorely needs a true, dominant big man. With the way Frazier, Newbill, Johnson, Roberts, Woodward, and co. are playing, this team could be being talked about as one of the best in the B1G if they had a Mitch McGary type to compliment their shooters. So why is this gift for Pat rather than for any of Timmy, DJ, etc.? Pat's had a few rough seasons here already. I'm not entirely sure how much more anger he can physically dole out before he explodes on the court, and everyone goes home with a little piece of Chambers after the game. So for your own sake Pat, let's get you that big man and let you coach in peace for a few games here and there.
Bill O'Brien- The Naming Rights to State College
O'Brienland. O'Brien's Fun House. Billcago. Billattle. Bill York City. Whatever he wants, he should have. While I don't personally believe that he is going to bolt for the NFL this season, my original prediction (He'll leave after one year, post-sanction) may be becoming a dream. At this point, it would seem the money in the contract is not enough to keep him in Happy Valley. So the only logical thing to do is give him what no one else can have. (Alternate Gift Ideas: The Nittany Lion Shrine, Rodney Erickson's head, Dave Joyner's head, The right to choose any athlete off any other team and put them on the football team, One Team ya'll).
And with that, I leave you time to run to the mall to pick up any or all of these items. However, my original offer still stands as well (Reread opening paragraph). Happy holidays everybody, hope they're filled with cheer, laughter, and bashing of Ohio State and Pitt. Go State.