It's just another Thursday, right? Wrong.
It's Valentine's Day. Love, romance, all that crap. If I asked you to name the most romantic city in the world, 95% of you will say "Detroit". So, in that spirit, SwH presents a Detroit original, The Spinners, for your listening - and viewing - enjoyment. How much would you pay for a suit like these? Five thousand? Ten thousand? The whole thing - from ruffled front to silver shoes - screams good times. There's no way you don't thoroughly enjoy yourself - club hopping or simply walking down the street - in that get-up.
All the World's Most Important News
CROOTIN' - Rivals released their rankings of the best recruiters in the Big Ten. There's a nine-way tie for first place among Urbz' entire staff.
MOAR CROOTIN' - Penn State will increase its focus on the odd-shaped state of Ohio, from zero to some, according to RB Coach Charles London. PennLive gives you the lowdown.
MOAR FANSHOTS - BSD'er swamboli stuck it in the Fanshots, but his link to Ivan Maisel's podcast is a good one. Maisel hosts Don Van Natta, and the two men display both reading comprehension and critical thinking skills far beyond that of your average sportswriter - at least when it comes to the topic of the Sandusky Scandal. Is it everything you could hope for from a pedant apologist strawman? No. But it's well worth a listen.
MOAR FANPOSTS - BSD Wrestling team member gerrylovesnathalie grabbed a great interview from Jim Clemente off the interwebs. It's another great listen.
Okay - I'm done linking to BSD now.
MOAR RULZ DURR HURR - the NCAA rules committee has proposed some dandies. They aren't approved at this point, but don't be surprised to see a few sneak through, particularly the ejection for "targeting". That would be a shame, considering that no two officials on the planet employed the same definition of targeting last season - and I'm not sure we'll close that gap in the next six months. Check out the mothership's work on the changes. Now with STORYSTREAMED!!! Updates just flying all over this mutha.
Deer Antlers, Snapping Turtles; Animal Invasion of CFB Continues - Spencer Hall does a wonderful job of breaking down the Woody Hayes snapping turtle story, as told by the George Washington of coaches, Urban Meyer.
Speaking of Great Guys - Remember that guy Harvey Updyke, who (allegedly) poisoned Toomer's Trees after Auburn won the MNC two years ago (nearly a full year before the Sandusky scandal began)? Well, he still hasn't had his trial yet. That doesn't come until April 8th. But an Alabama judge recently revoked his bond for other stupidity by Mr. Updyke. So there's that. Also, by way of update, the trees have in fact died, and are slated to be removed following Auburn's spring game April 20th. All of which pretty much blows. Let's get some happier links.
Weird News - The Huffington Post has an entire section called 'weird news'. Now that's a modern newspaper. It's chock full 'o fantastic tales certain to entertain. SwH has culled the Valentine's Day-relevant headlines from it to share with you. Each also imparts a valuable V-Day lesson. Enjoy.
Man Swallows Cousin's Ear - If you're not going to ask nicely to turn the music down, then Emilio Mendoza won't listen to you. Instead he'll bite your ear lobe off, and swallow it.
V-Day Lesson: treat your significant other as you would have him/her treat you. Common sense, folks.
Stand By Your Man - Ladies, if you're not going to give Andrew Mendoza the attention he needs, then he's going to stray. And when Andrew Mendoza strays, he finds his way into a horse corral.
V-Day Lesson: Men are awful.
Avoiding Tax Penalties - Screwed up your taxes? That's not a problem if your IRS Auditor is Dora Abrahamson. According to Vincent Burroughs' lawsuit, Ms. Abrahamson told him he could face a 40% penalty, or no penalty at all - the choice was his. Burroughs took the latter, and now he wants additional compensation for post traumatic stress.
V-Day Lesson: Women are awful.
Regular or High-Test? - A 46-year old mother from Manheim Township, PA was charged with endangering a child after she allowed her 3-year old son to pump the gas. I'm sure it seemed like a good idea at the time, but he removed the nozzle without releasing the lever. Whoopsie.
V-Day Lesson: Don't have children because they are dumb.
Fathers, Protect Your Daughters - Of course you worry about your teenage daughter, particularly since you can't always be there to protect her from boys. But you can make her carry a warning card. And that's all Victor Scroggins, 39, of South Carolina was trying to achieve when he tattooed his 14-year old daughter's wrist. His message: 'Daddy's girl', followed by the logo of gun manufacturer Browning.
V-Day Lesson: You can't wash off tattoos.
Valentine's Teddy Bear - Even grandpas appreciate a teddy bear at Valentines. Just ask 62-year old Lawrence Ligocki of Chelsea, MA. His Valentine sent him chocolates, and a teddy bear stuffed with $10k of meth.
V-Day Lesson: You're never too old to become a drug dealer.
What's Thumb Got To Do Wit It? - What's a thumb, but a way to distinguish yourself as a primate in the animal kingdom? But not everyone feels that way, including Sarah Berry, a 35-year old who severed her thumb while practicing her 'dance' routine at a strip club 'competition'. The link doesn't state whether she won or lost.
V-Day Lesson: Keep your hands and feet inside the vehicle at all times.
Innocent Until Convicted - If I told you a man's Arnold, PA convenience store was raided, and that during the raid police discovered 50 lbs of synthetic marijuana, $50k in cash, and an Uzi sub-machine gun - what would you think was going on there? If you said 'nothing', then you can be assistant counsel for Duke George Esq., the raided man's defense attorney. According to Duke, the criminal case will not be easy to prove.
V-Day Lesson: Sometimes where there's smoke, it's just smoke. Or fog, even.
Valentine's Day Tips For Success
For Men: If you're reading this, it's probably the first warning you've had that Valentine's Day is here. So for that, you're welcome. But now it's down to crunch time, and you still need a gift, right? Do not fear, SwH is here to help you with the greatest gift idea ever. It's not another Pajamagram, or Vicky Secrets yoga pants. Nope - we're bringing the big guns. Which is why SwH fully endorses the Pizza Hut Perfume. Just imagine coming home and your woman smelling like a meat lovers' deep dish. Intoxicating.
She already has Pizza Hut Perfume? Then just run into Target - not Wal-Mart - on your way home from work, and grab the first red thing you see. Target says class, while Wal-Mart says last minute.
For Women: If your man cries that you didn't get him something for Valentine's Day, then drop him like a bag of rocks. He's a loser.
For Men Dating Men: This must be awesome. Valentine's Day doesn't apply, right? I'm guessing it's legitimately just another Thursday. There's no football on, so maybe pick up some Yuengling and see who can belch the loudest while watching a war movie. Or The Godfather.
For Women Dating Women: Electronics. Chicks love electronic gadgets. Anything from Best Buy is sure to please. Maybe a new computer monitor, or a 1-year subscription to Norton Anti-Virus.
For the Lonely: Celebrate. And give thanks that you aren't dating any of the people linked in the stories above, especially Urban Meyer. Then enjoy your V-Day wishes from tenured BSDivas letsgopsu and ska. (Nice work, ladies).
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