As I'm sure all of my 717 brothers and sisters know, Perry County, Pennsylvania is a disgusting and sickening hole filled with vermin, sketchy porno video stores along Rt 15 as it follows the river, and Amish.
And thus I must say that I am filled with great pleasure - enormous, rapturous pleasure - to see the honorable MAYOR LINDA THOMPSON OF THE FINE CITY OF HARRISBURG, PENNSYLVANIA is finally speaking the truth about that vagabond-infested county called Perry. And what did this bold, ingenious mayor have to say of Perry County?
We're not opening up our flood gates for, you know, some scumbag that comes from Perry County who got the money and pocketed it, and comes here and wants to dump it for free.
Yes! Finally the truth from an elected official!
How many times I have driven through New Bloomfield (or just Bloomfield, since they can't decide if it's really a new Bloomfield at all .... or something) and wondered aloud, "Oh my God, why is all of this scum just allowed to go unpunished, un-called-out?"
Why, just last summer, I was driving through Perry on my way to a sprint car race at Port Royal Speedway (look at me, I'm simply dumping 717 Hillbilly Street Cred all up in here). And what did I witness? I witnessed, as I came down from Waggoner's Gap, a young man wearing a Keith Kauffman (THE MAN FROM MIFFLINTOWN, as he is called) t-shirt and pedaling a bicycle. Undoubtedly this jolly young Perry County scumbag intended to pedal his bike all the way to Port Royal in time for the races - though it was already late afternoon! Never fear, the redneck forces - those dark and mysterious powers - would simply push him to da Port much as a warm wind carries the hawk on a clear spring day.
Anyway, yeah, they're all a bunch of scumbags up there. Thank you, Mayor Thompson.
And here's an Allman Brothers Band song that fits your author's personality perfectly: