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A Modestly Serious Proposal to Fix Penn State Basketball

I don't really care about basketball. I think it's kind of a funny sport, and, besides, I don't like the way it's played now. All of these little guards running around, and no giant post men like Ewing and Olajuwon beating the heck out of each other. And don't even get me started on how annoying it is to listen to announcers tell me that so-and-so awesome player guy is a guaranteed lottery pick in the coming draft when he's only a freshman. I want him to stay for four years to create rivalries and increased quality of play. Bah. Horse crap, that's all it is nowadays.

Nonetheless, I am a generous man. I understand that many people - most of them crazy - enjoy basketball as played by the Nittany Lions of Penn State (how Marv Alberts would announce their name if Penn State was ever good enough to play at a level where Marv Alberts would announce their game). I am also gifted with crazy intelligence. This enables me to help such crazy people better enjoy their Nittany Lion hoops.

You are about to gaze upon the magnificence of my genius.

Part 1: WHAT IS THE PROBLEM WITH PENN STATE BASKETBALL?

Answer! It sucks and no one except crazy people give a damn about it. Justifiably, rational people just don't care about teams that suck. I mean, come on, how am I supposed to take a program seriously when it can only beat lowly teams like Bucknell and Michigan? Michigan sucks!

There is currently no hope for the future with Penn State basketball! None!

Part 2: HOW DO WE FIX PENN STATE BASKETBALL? HOW DO WE MAKE IT STOP BEING BAD?

I want you, the reader, to look at this picture below and evaluate it very carefully:

20130213_ter_bm2_135

EVALUATE IT CAREFULLY!

What do you see? Well, of course, you see Pat Chambers, head coach of the Penn State squad. But what do you notice about him specifically? Three characteristics stand out:

  1. He is bald.
  2. He has a funny head.
  3. He has slightly pointy ears.

Now, I want you to evaluate, with equal care, the following picture of Penn State wrestling coach Cael Sanderson:

Psu-wrestling-cael-sandersonjpg-07d541f545f74222_large_medium

What do you notice about him? Three characteristics stand out:

  1. He is bald.
  2. He has a funny head.
  3. He has slightly pointy ears.

THUS, THE SOLUTION IS BORN.

Penn State must fire Pat Chambers immediately. Who will replace him?

This guy:

Cael Sanderson is the greatest wrestler in American history and may someday be the greatest coach too.

He will also be the greatest basketball coach ever at Penn State. Penn State must convince Cael to coach both the basketball team and the wrestling team. By hiring Cael to coach both teams, we can save money to spend on important things like sports, and students, and not letting people commit, you know, horrible crimes in the football facilities and things like that. Also, we can someday make a movie about how Cael secretly pretended to be Pat Chambers. Hollywood loves movies like that, and the rights for the book (there will be a book too) and the movie will make us even more money. I personally guarantee that this combination would produce a total of at least 25 national championships.

You're welcome.

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