New sanctions? That's no scoop. Here is the real story.

Dennis Rodman has been hired to replace Pat Chambers and Kim Jong-un has been tapped to replace Bill O'Brien, who is departing for the greener pastures of Durham, where he can bask in the golden touch of Coach K. After all, the last time a football coach got together with Coach K...

Don't believe me? Here is the evidence.


Here is Mr. Rodman at the press conference announcing his acceptance of the helm of the vaunted Penn State basketball program.


The always classy and stylish Mr. Rodman models his new Penn State courtside wear.

As if that were not exciting enough news, the addition of His Most Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un may be the most amazing news to hit the Penn State football program in years. We've always wanted the even more capable son of a legend to wander our hallowed halls and bestow further greatness on our sterling, world-wide reputation. Our dreams have finally been realized.


HMSL Jong-un and The Gang of Four Coaches discussing how successful their system of calling plays by press box committee will be and how it will ensure success of the new Penn State football program. HMSL Jong-un was most pleased.


Members of HMSL Kim Jong-un's entourage are taught the, "We are...Penn State!", cheer to the delight of the many onlooking guards.


HMSL Jong-un and The Gang of Four discuss Xs and Os during a wintry Spring practice at Mrs. Jong-un's Beaver Stadium. The most distinguished group then enjoyed hearty bowls of Punxatawny Phil Bulgogi Jungol. Praise to HMSL Jong-un for bestowing his greatness and blessings upon us.


A member of the scout team quite obviously forgot his gloves while attending a strength and conditioning session with His Most Crazy Coach Fitz.


HMCC Fitz was last seen transporting Korean warheads to Bellefonte.


HMSL Jong-un applauds as former coach Bill O'Brien is led away to assume his new duties south of the DMZ.


All hail HMSL Kim Jong-un! It is going to be a wonderful season.

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