Some time ago I was talking to a very beautiful young woman. Her hair was blonde like the hay fields of south-central Pennsylvania, her eyes were rich and blue like the skies of south-central Pennsylvania, her laugh was pleasant and inviting like the songs of the songbirds who sing in the green trees of south-central Pennsylvania, and, overall, I shall say that she would almost compare in beauty, grace, and intelligence to the richest non-irrigated farmland in America: the rolling hills of south-central Pennsylvania. I felt fortunate to speak with such a gorgeous girl; though not as fortunate as I was to be born in the magnificent Susquehanna Valley of south-central Pennsylvania.
This girl did ask me, "So, what do you do for fun?" Among other things, I said "watch football." She asked me which team I preferred. Being from south-central Pennsylvania, I responded, with authority, "Penn State." "What's their name? Aren't they the Mustangs?" "No, they are the Nittany Lions."
And therein lies the name of our team. They are the Nittany Lions.
Being someone with dignity and respect, I cannot claim to know very much about "nits". After all, I do not frequently engage in sexual intercourse with your mother or with promiscuous women in general. In addition, I don't get hair lice because I am not a dirty communist.
I think I speak for all of us Penn State fans who are not communistic politically and do not engage in sexual intercourse with your mother or with promiscuous women in general when I say that to have my program, my team, my Penn State football Nittany Lions, associated with communists, your mother, and promiscuous women is to have my honor insulted. I will not stand for it. South-central Pennsylvania will not stand for it. We have sacrificed our young men in your wars, rich river lands for the cesspool of a capital called Harrisburg, and even cut off some of our own precious soil from farming so that all of America could have a memorial place at Gettysburg to celebrate the defeat of the Southrons. And in return for this, you willingly associate our football players and our regional pride with communists, your mother, and promiscuous women. I cannot abide this. We cannot abide this.
Stop using the word "nits", you dirty jackwagons, or I'll beat you up with my pipe.