FanPost

I've Always Been Crazy, It's Kept Me From Goin' Insane

Someone asked me to do more fun off-season stuff and someone else asked me to some kind of greatest wins post. Well, I'll get to the latter eventually, but for now, this.

What is the most ridiculous personal account you can think of that involves Penn State football? And, honestly, if you have a ridiculous account that doesn't involve Penn State football, just share it anyway.

Mine first!

This one time I was doing stuff in Buffalo with a bunch of college students. One of them was from the city of Syracuse, NY. He was a monstrous, horrific, abominable tool wrapped inside a coating of terror. Syracuse basketball was his life. He was so absurdly fond and proud of his beloved Orange that he once told a fellow central New Yorker and fellow Syracuse fan that he could not cheer for Syracuse athletics because he wasn't from the city of Syracuse. He found out that I loved Penn State and ripped me mercilessly. "Paterno raped children!" Yes, his ignorance was this great.

One day I was riding with this kid and several others out of Buffalo towards some town in the southern tier (Wellsville?). Well, he tried to debate me about the Civil War. Despite being an Italian-American from Syracuse, this young man sympathized quite strongly with the cause of the Southern Rebellion. In fact, he referred to the South as "we", which brought a hearty response from a neutral observer: "We? You're from Syracuse!"

He presented all the usual arguments for the justification of the Southrons and their wanton secession. "Secession is a constitutional right", "Lincoln attacked first", and other such historically bogus claptrap. After I had finished logically and calmly destroying this pathetic and vile Dixie devilry, the young man sulked much like one Syracuse fan with whom my Dad once worked (My Dad would give the guy a can of Crush soda and say, "Look, it's what happened to the Orange" after every PSU beatdown) used to do. He put on headphones and listened to music (Nickelback, I imagine) for a long time.

Still stewing over his defeat by someone who actually bothered to read history, he must have prayed and prayed for a chance at redemption. Suddenly God granted his prayer! Lo and behold, there is a very small hamlet in New York called Sandusky.

Ripping off his headphones, the young Syracusan cried, "Look, Rambler! Sandusky!"

And thus, my victory was ruined. Lincoln's unjust tyranny towards the South was made clear to me because there is a small hamlet in New York called Sandusky which means Joe Paterno raped young boys.

Points of the story? 1) Of all the teams he coached against, Joe hated Syracuse the most. Even after an eighteen-year break in the series, in 2008 Joe tried to run up the score against Syracuse just because he hated them still that much. He was justified. Syracuse is a horrible city with a college filled with New Jerseyites and whatever Jim Boeheim calls himself. 2) People actually think Joe Paterno was the rapist. 3) People actually think that the South was justified.

Frankly, I believe that the stories contained within the BSD proletariat are more ridiculous and more drunken than mine, but I like mine for it shows the depravity and beastly nature of humanity.

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