Ska: Welcome back everyone to day two of our WE ARE! 2013 Kickstarter Telethon, where we are raising money for the BSD backed, mother approved Penn State Football e-magazine you can snag for yourself for only $6! Thats right, only $6 to get your very own copy full of great articles, reviews, and previews for this upcoming season. Who's going to be the starting quarterback that doesn't transfer after the article is written? Who will replace banana peel at right tackle? Where will Ham Sandwich play this season? All this probably wont be in this e-magazine because its actually something done in a professional manner, but instead you'll get real information about the upcoming Penn State football season. For that other stuff you can just visit my Tumblr.
Ska: Up first in our bevy of celebrity helpers, we have former Penn State linebacker Paul Posluszny! Hey Paul, how are you doing?
Poz: Well thanks for asking Ska, I'm doing much better now that I've left that infernal pit of despair known as Jacksonville. Nothing beats coming back to Happy Valley, which is exactly how you'll feel reading the We Are! 2013 e-magazine. It's a great way for fans who live far away from Penn State to feel connected with the team on gameday. And chances are you'll know more than the experts, even if you can't read and can only look at the pictures.
Ska: So its a great gift for Ohio State fans?
Ska and Poz: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
Poz: Oh you...
Ska: I know, I know. I'm a kidder. But seriously, thanks for stoppi-wait, Paul. What are you doing? Did you just take off your shirt?
Poz: What? No...it just...fell off. Look, I brought you this pie I made. Try some.
Ska: Alllllllright....thanks. Hmm, this pie is actually pretty good. Is this coconu- oh for chrissakes, are you running through the ocean in a seductive manner now?
Ska: That doesn't even make sense. This is more awkward than the training montage from Rocky 3. Ok, lets move on and check our status, shall we?
Ska: Right now we're sitting at 60% and 199 backers. Who will be the 200th backer? If you happen to be the 200th backer, as a reward you get...
/pulls out card to read
//stares at card trembling slightly
Ska: It says you get...a date with...Emma Stone...
/scrambles furiously to find a computer, knocking over an elderly woman in the process
Ska: HA! I'M THE 200TH BACKER! I GET A DATE WITH EMMA STONE, BITCHES!
/door slams open
/single tear of joy rolls down cheek
Ska: I uh, think that would be...me, Ms. Stone?
Ska: Your mouth says no, but your eyes say yes...
Ska: Ok, thats just a no.
Ska: I dont even know what to say to that.
Ska: Ok that's not even true. At all. None...none of that is true. I...I don't even know...where you might hear...something like...that. Let's just move on.
Ska: Look everybody, its actor Ryan Gosling!
Ska: You have got to be kidding me.
Ska: Yeah, alright. Lets just end this already. Pledge to the We Are! 2013 Kickstarter and there's a pretty good chance your dreams wont be crushed in an incredibly public and embarrassing fashion. And you don't even have to take a swim test to qualify.