Rambler News Report: Riley Cooper Apologizes For Attending Kenny Chesney Concert

(Article almost entirely stolen from CBS, heavily edited by me)

Saying he was "ashamed and disgusted" with himself, Eagles wide receiver Riley Cooper apologized repeatedly for attending a Kenny Chesney concert. Cooper, caught on video at the concert, was fined for his absolutely despicable and horrendous taste in music.

"This is the lowest of lows," Cooper said. "This is not the type of person I want to be portrayed as. This isn't the type of person I am. I'm extremely sorry."

Cooper said he was drinking when he decided to attend the June concert.

"That's no excuse for what I did. I don't listen to Kenny Chesney, Jason Aldean, Shooter Jennings, or any of those phonies and vagabonds who have reduced a distinctly American form of music to mere stereotypes perpetuated viciously and without dignity simply for the point of making money," he said. "I was raised better than that. I have a great mom and dad and they're disgusted with my actions."

Cooper's mother told Rambler News that she was "appalled to learn that the son I once heard singing along to Ace of Spades and even Take It Easy went to a Chesney concert. Granted, Lemmy of Motorhead isn't exactly Jesus, but he darned sure isn't singing about loose women with fetishes for farm implements!"

"We are shocked and appalled by Kenny Chesney's lyrics as well as his hideous pop-country arrangements," Eagles owner Jeffrey Lurie said. "This sort of music has no role in a civil society. Riley has accepted responsibility for his bad taste and his actions. He has been fined for this incident."

The league released the following statement: "The NFL stands for diversity and inclusion. However, we have our limits. Kenny Chesney's music is wrong, offensive, and unacceptable."

Will Brinson of wrote: "It's a full-blown disaster for Cooper, who apparently enjoys Chesney's 'work.' I don't know anything about Cooper's personal beliefs but it's hard to imagine music so terrible would go over well in the context of a professional setting as intense and intimate as an NFL locker room."

A fifth-round pick out of Florida, Cooper is entering his fourth season in the NFL. He has 46 catches and five touchdowns in three years with the Eagles.

Cooper had tentatively moved into a starting role after Jeremy Maclin tore his right ACL in practice last Saturday. Still, he's not guaranteed a roster spot in Chip Kelly's new offense.

"I'm willing to accept all consequences," Cooper said. "I know no one with any sense of musical dignity is happy with me right now. I accept that. I hope they see the true me and accept my apology. I know it will take a while. I'm prepared to listen to anything that may give me an appreciation for actual music; Ellington, Bach, Dylan - anything."

Cooper apologized to teammates after talking to the media.

"As a team we understood because we all make mistakes in life and we all do and say things that maybe we do mean and maybe we don't mean," quarterback Michael Vick said. "Not everybody is the perfect person in the world. Everyone does - kills people, murders people, steals from you, steals from me, whatever. But as a teammate I forgave him. We understand the magnitude of the smoldering shell hole that is the remains of mainstream country music. We understand a lot of people may be unable to appreciate the subtle poetic genius of Keg In The Closet, but I know Riley Cooper. I know him as a man. I've been with him for the last three years and I know what type of person he is. That's what makes it easy, and at the same time, hard to understand. But easy to forgive him."

Vick also rebuked his brother, Marcus Vick, for profanity-laced tweets, including one offering a $1,000 bounty for any of the drunken morons who attend Chesney concerts to instead spend their energies threatening Chesney with tire irons. Marcus Vick later deleted all the tweets.

Meanwhile, in Montgomery, Alabama, Hank Williams' casket rolled over. Local residents stated that this has been a common occurrence for many years, with some saying it can be traced directly to the rise of figures like Chesney and Tim McGraw ("Truck yeah, bitches!") to the top of the country music charts.

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