A few weeks ago, Ti_Gr5_6Al-4V asked a very intricate question in the mailbag that neither Jared nor myself felt knowledgeable enough to respond to:
The zombie apacolypse has finally come to the region where you live.
You have escaped to an army base and have secured a large warehouse. In this warehouse is near as makes no difference an infinite amount of steel, plenty of welding and fastening equipment, and dozens of every weapon ever made in mankind’s endless endeavor to kill each other in war.
There are a few machinists and welders who have been infected, but they have sworn to make their last act on this earth building you the most bad-ass zombie killing vehicle that you can think up to get you to the zombie free safe zone 100 miles away. Also (strangely) there is one of every civilian road car available in the warehouse. (all the tanks and deuce and a half’s are outside and covered in zombies).
What do you chose to use as your soon to be zombie proof car, and what kind of weapons and armor do you put on it (also any engine upgrades, if you would like)? If you want your car to have so many guns that you need a co-driver/weapons operator, this is ok.
So, being the diplomatic overlords that we are, Jared put the question out to our staff today. We got two responses, from Bill and bscaff. Enjoy, and let us know your thoughts in the comments.
A REAL DEAD EXPERT OPINION by Bill DiFilippo
As someone who hate-watches The Walking Dead every week in the fall and often asks myself, "seriously, why do I still put myself through this?" I feel like I am qualified to discuss this. I also saw Zombieland in theatres. That movie was the shit.
I believe there are three types of vehicles I would debate using. The first would obviously be a Hummer H2, since they’re essentially tanks. The downside, of course, is that if you’re trying to get away from zombies, you want something with more than 2.5 MPG.
Second is something more fuel efficient, like a Toyota Camry. SUP ZOMBIES? TRY TO CATCH ME WHILST I GET 40+ MILES PER GALLON IN AN AFFORDABLE, FOUR DOOR SEDAN. Of course, if the zombies get to me, I’m screwed since I’m essentially in a Hot Wheels car. I don’t care if the NHTSA gave it a five-star safety rating. That’s nonsense. Getting attacked by hunnids and hunnids of zombies is much different than getting hit by someone who is texting and driving (put the phone down and save lives, y’all).
However, despite this, I would want the Hyundai Elantra GT from The Walking Dead. Seriously. Have you ever seen that shit? It never runs out of gas and always looks like they got it fresh off of the lot. Jesus, I hate that show sometimes.
As for weapons, *REDACTED BECAUSE BILL WENT ON A GUN CONTROL RANT THAT WOULD PISS EVERYONE OFF*. I’d also want several grenades in case I get locked in the CDC (I HATE YOU WALKING DEAD), as well as some bombs to potentially drop over Baghdad and a mace. A fucking mace. Nobody would mess with a guy with a mace. Even the undead.
"GWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH EAT BRAINS EAT BRAINS GWAAAAAAAA....oh heavens to Betsy, who is that gentleman with a mace? I believe we should refrain from eating his brains and entrails." I imagine this is what the zombies would say.
Lastly, I would bring Chad along because he has the best taste in music (to my knowledge) of any other BSD writer. Also: I would play "Wagon Wheel" 500 times just to see how he would react – my guess is his lust for blood would become insatiable and he would go on a zombie killin’ spree, just like they do in Florida.
ZOMBIE SAYS WHAT? by bscaff
Hey, I can help out here. I don't know zombies at all, but I do like football and porno and books about war.
I no nothing about zombies. What are their capabilities? Are they astute problem solvers? Are they disciplined (i.e., they "play with poise")? Or are they effectively mindless, and just run around eating faces? For the purposes of this exercise, I'm going to assume the later, because they sure look stupid on tv.
I'll also assume that, in addition to an M1 Abrams main battle tank, you're phrasing your question to prevent me from choosing a Bradley or M113 or any tracked vehicle. I'd like to have a tracked vehicle - grease the wheels of my tank with the guts of the Hun - or at least a multi-axled, wheeled, swimmable vehicle like the LAV. Have you seen an LAV in action? Those things are bad ass.
No worries, though. My team of skilled welders, machinists, and engineers are going to strip down a 1987 Pontiac Fiero and modify it, heavily. By the time we're done, it will closely resemble a Boeing AH-6 "little bird" helo. Maneuverable, fast, easy to fly, fuel efficient (relatively speaking) - it'll be cool. We're also going to hang mini guns off both sides. I'll pilot it outside the warehouse, go into a hover about 50 feet off the ground, and just start lighting up the zombies. Who needs a zombie-free zone 100 miles away? The fun is apparently right where I'm already located. Maybe I'll take one of those skilled welders with me, carve out a path to the Abrams with my miniguns, and drop him onto the turret, so he can drive one of them back to the warehouse. Then have him launch a few 120mm shells into the crowd. I assume zombies tend to form crowds, right? In tv commercials, they always show them in packs. The fact that they don't know to disperse and spread out will be to my distinct advantage. Maybe I'll lean out of the cockpit of my Fiero/AH-6 and fire a few 40mm rounds from a Mark 19, just for kicks. It's really a shame zombies aren't problem solvers. They can't even shoot back, right? If their only advantage is numbers...I mean, that's why God invented high cyclic rates and explosive shells. I probably ought to fly to the zombie-free zone, pick up a few buddies, and fly back to the Army base. While in transit, my infected-yet-skilled labor force can crank out a few more Fiero flying machines. Maybe I'll have a couple of the more creative ones turn a Chevy Caprice police cruiser into A-10 Thunderbolt. When those things fire their 30mm nose cannon, it's like the stop in mid air. You see them from the ground, and you feel like you could hit them by chucking a few rocks. But they're awesome. Thank God for close air support.
I'd have gone with a fleet of unmanned aerial drones made out of a single 1976 Chrysler New Yorker, but then you don't get the trigger time. It's not the same, I'm certain.