Big Ten Preview: Week Five

Jeff Hanisch-US PRESSWIRE

Four games this week. What the hell?

I hate this week. I hate this week so much. Bye weeks are the worst. I'm expected to be a functioning member of society during them. It's the one weekend that I'm expected to go home and go visit my family and GUUUUUUUUUUUH. I just wanna sleep until 1 and not put pants on, you guys. I'm not a hard man to please.

There are four Big Ten games this week, and none of them involve Penn State. BORING. Hopefully there's some Penn State news this week to keep me occupi...wait, what? OH YEAH. THAT.

HAPPINESS. SO MUCH HAPPINESS. TO THE GAMES!

Saturday, September 28

Miami (Ohio) @ Illinois, Noon

Remember when Miami (OH) had Ben Roethlisberger and they were awesome? That team may have gotten to the #10 team in the country and beaten Louisville in a bowl game, but Ben was a gigantic asshole, so if you're looking for another reason to hate him, you're welcome!

As for this year's Miami (OH) team, they suck. They're 0-3, have scored 21 points total this year, and have allowed 103 points total this year. They make Illinois' swiss cheese defense look like the '86 Bears. Also, Illinois will probably be pissed off after losing their first game of the season to Washington at home last week. They can sleepwalk through this game and win, for God's sake.

Prediction: Illinois 44, Miami (OH) 6

Watchability: No.

Northern Illinois @ Purdue, Noon

My God, Purdue is horrible. They're so bad, that I expect Northern Illinois to whip them, even though Northern Illinois has had trouble putting teams away this year. Purdue is fresh off of getting shredded on the ground by Wisconsin, and Northern Illinois is a team that looks to shred people on the ground. If Purdue can stop that (lol), Jordan Lynch is a dynamic QB capable of taking this game over.

As for Purdue's offense, all the sads. As a team, they're averaging 2.6 yards per rush. No. Seriously. At least their kicker is solid. They'll be able to score a few points because Northern Illinois would allow Abe Vigoda to score points on them, but I can't see them hanging with the Huskies.

Prediction: Northern Illinois 38, Purdue 24

Watchability: Ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Iowa @ Minnesota, 3:30 p.m.

Dammit, I finally have to pick Minnesota to win. This week sucks. Speaking of sucks, Iowa football! Don't let the 3-1 record fool you, they're not good. Neither is Minnesota, for that matter, but Iowa is especially bad. I can see the Hawkeyes losing their next five games, going 3-6, and Kirk Ferentz keeping his job for another 12 years because Iowa. Why don't we care more that Ferentz was one of the coaches that tried to poach Penn State players? Jackass.

The game will be kind of rough. Iowa isn't horrible at defense, and Minnesota is a solid offensive squad. Flipped around, Minnesota's defense is inflated by the fact that they played nobodies, as is Iowa's offense. The only reason I'd watch this game is Minnesota's QB Mitch Leidner, and there's a chance he loses his spot to Philip Nelson. Womp womp womp.

Prediction: Minnesota 28, Iowa 14

Watchability: *eats a cyanide tablet*

#23 Wisconsin @ #4 Ohio State, 8:00 p.m.

I hate this game, not because it's going to be a bad game (it's not) or because I hate the teams playing (I do), but because it's going to be a tough one to pick. Common sense says Ohio State, because they're ranked higher and it's a night game at home. But does anyone else have a bad feeling about this for OSU? They have the weirdest QB situation in the country -- Braxton Miller is a potential Heisman candidate when he's healthy, only at the pace Kenny Guiton's going, HE'S a Heisman candidate. Can they really bench Braxton Miller? I dunno. But I wouldn't put it past Urbz.

Speaking of Heisman candidates, Melvin Gordon! I think he's been the best running back in America so far this year. He's averaging 11.8 YPC, and he's carried the ball 53 times with seven TD's. He's scoring onces every seven or eight carries. Can he shred the Buckeyes on the ground, even though OSU's run defense has been stout this year? I dunno. But I wouldn't put it past him.

Here's what I think: if Joel Stave doesn't turn the ball over, Gordon, James White, and Corey Clement rip through the Buckeyes on the ground, and Wisconsin's special teams (particularly Jared Abbrederis in the return game) beats Ohio State's special teams, the Badgers win. It would also help if Miller starts for Ohio State and needs some time to get back into the swing of things, giving the Badgers enough time to jump out ahead of the Buckeyes. HOWEVAH.....I don't think that happens.

I think OSU uses both quarterbacks, and both play very well. I think Stave gets flustered, since this is the second major away night game of his career, and he makes a few mistakes. While I think Gordon and White get theirs on the ground, I don't think they destroy the Buckeyes. And Urban Meyer teams, no matter how much I hate them, never lose the special teams battle.

Prediction: Ohio State 42, Wisconsin 35

Watchability: If you're not getting all caught up on Breaking Bad, watch every second.

Enjoy the finale of Breaking Bad, everyone! And the games. Those too.


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