Carl Pelini might not be a household name, but he garnered his share of national attention this year when he
led the Florida Atlantic Owls to a conference title got busted smoking weed as head coach. Since any publicity is good publicity, Carl Pelini would clearly fit the mold as the BIG NAME HIRE that Penn State needs to make.
Carl was born in Youngstown, OH, AKA the Fertile Crescent of Coaching. He went to Cardinal Mooney High School, the same school that Big Game Bob Stoops and his brother Mark both attended, and he was never expelled.
Despite what recent media reports might have you think, Carl Pelini is no dummy. He attended Columbia University, that's Ivy League - just like our last two coaches. He might not have graduated from Columbia, but you know who else never graduated? Alexander the Great, and that guy was a BOSS. While at Columbia he played middle linebacker. Who could be better to carry on the tradition of Linebacker U?
After he finished his degree near the Garden of Coaching Eden (Youngstown State) he got his start in coaching thanks to legendary Kansas State coach Bill Snyder, who made him a graduate assistant. Snyder quickly realized his obvious coaching prowess, and promoted Carl to Restricted Earnings Coach. Once Carl got tired of coaching restricted earnings, he picked up a masters degree from that paragon of academic excellence, THE Ohio State University.
Thanks to his OSU connections, Carl signed a mega-deal as the defensive coordinator of Blue Valley High School in Overland Park, KS. From there, he leapt to a head coaching job at Winnetoka HS in Kansas City, Missouri, where according to Wikipedia he "orchestrated a remarkable turnaround" and was named "Suburban Conference Coach of the Year". Let that soak in for a second.
After dominating the outer suburbs of Kansas City high school football, Carl kinda followed his kid brother Bo around to a few other coaching gigs until he landed at the University of Nebraska. From there he went onto fame and fortune with the head chair at Florida Atlantic, where he amassed a 5-15 record in the cuthroat Sun Belt and CUSA.
Look, Carl Pelini might not be your 1st or 2nd choice, or even your 426th. But if you want someone who has faced adversity, and can recruit (don't tell me you win Suburban Conference COY without good recruits), Carl is your man. But perhaps the best reason to hire him is that Bo Pelini is his little brother, which means Carl has big bro mind control over him! Oh, whats that? You LIKE losing to Nebraska every year? Well I certainly don't, so let's get him on the phone and get this deal done. The guys is young and hungry (like literally hungry, he hasn't worked since October), so we can probably pay him in Taco Bell coupons or something. Plus, he won't bolt to the NFL at the first chance he gets, because most NFL owners are sane and sober.
In closing, at least he's not Greg Schiano.