picture courtesy of www.statecollege.com
Suzanne Pohland Paterno '62 is the ultimate candidate to succeed the man who succeeded her husband as Penn State's head football coach. Sue has unparalleled credentials, not just among candidates for the PSU job, but in college football history. Below is a mere sampling of what Sue brings to the program:
- Success with Honor: 10 out of 10. Sue has been an integral part of Joe's lifelong campaign. He'd be the first to tell you he couldn't have done it without her.
- Winning: 10. As Joe's better half, Sue must be credited with at least (409 / 2) = 205 wins, and obviously zero losses. Not even such Big Ten legends as Woody, Bo, Woody, Bo, Woody, and Bo can approach a record like 205-0.
- Ability to assemble a coaching staff: 10. Sue doesn't need to network. She has hosted every football coach in the country, from NFL and college legends to graduate interns, at some point in the past 45+ years. Perhaps more importantly, she knows their wives.
- Recruiting: 10. Those chocolate chip cookies don't bake themselves.
- Academics: 10. How many libraries have been named for other coaching candidates? I thought so.
- Managing off-the-field issues: 10. Sue has been Team Mom for over 5,000 student-athletes, so 85 or so should be no problem. Besides, everybody loves Sue.
- Discipline: 10. Sue doesn't have to play the Mom Card. Sue IS the Mom Card.
- Crisis management/ability to handle high-pressure situations: 10. Nobody has ever needed to tell Sue to "get that mother------ out of this game right now."
- Penn State ties: 10. Sue is a Penn State grad who never left State College and still lives 3 blocks from campus. She has devoted her entire adult life to raising her family and serving her extended family. The campus Catholic Center is also named for her.
- Understanding of Penn State traditions: 10. Sue is responsible for the Guarding of the Lion. She even knows the Goddamn Words.
- Alumni and community relations: 10. Sue is a rock star among alumni and Centre County residents alike, instantly recognizable and beloved. She also served on the PA Special Olympics board for well over a decade.
- Contract issues/affordability: 10. Sue is available and does not have a burdensome buyout clause. She does not require relocation or housing assistance. She already receives university retiree benefits. Salary should not be an issue. Supplemental income via merchandising is an option, as is a side contract with sometimes-supportive occasional friend and Nike Chairman Phil Knight.
- Program Stability: 10. Sue is unlikely to jump to the NFL or seek other college positions.
Hiring the first-ever woman football coach would also be a massive PR coup and, well, Penn State could use some good PR.
So we have found the perfect candidate. Dave Joyner, make this happen!