That's right, friend. We're talking about Deacon Jones. We're talking about The Secretary of Defense.
GTFO of here, Tom Brady.
What Penn State needs for a head coach now is a man's man. What says man's man like the man who invented the term "sack" in its football context?
For the purposes of this post, I managed to get a personal fake interview with Mr. Jones to ask him why he thinks he's qualified for the job and what he will be able to do as coach.
The following is the transcript of the interview. Many of the quotes are real, people. Certainly the fact that Deacon Jones was the baddest of the bad is real. It's verifiable.
ReadingRambler: Hello, Mr. Jones, thanks for interviewing for the head coaching job at Penn State!
Deacon f***ing Jones: You're welcome. It's always nice to hear the sound of my own voice, and I appreciate all opportunities to hear it.
RR: It's our pleasure, sir. Please don't hurt me. Now, let's get right to the questions.
DFJ: Make 'em good.
RR: I hope I can, I hope I can. First question: what football experience do you bring to the table?
DFJ: With the help of Merlin Olsen, Rosey Grier, and Lamar Lundy, I invented the modern defensive line and singlehandedly invented the modern conception of a pass-rushing defensive end. Did you know that?
RR: Well, I heard that...
DFJ: Shut up and let a grown man speak. Let, me tell you something, kid, I will be your next head coach. You know why?
DFJ: Didn't I tell you to shut up?
RR: Yes, but then....
DFJ: Do we not have an understanding here or something? Can we not communicate?
DFJ: Now that's what I'm talking about. Let me do this interview myself. When I look at the field of people you got yourself looking at for this job, I'd have to cast the vote for myself. Because No. 1, I'm probably the toughest [expletive] here. Ain't no question about that with me. I'm the toughest guy here. If you want to eliminate me from the pack, you can pick somebody normal, but normal is weak. Of course, quarterbacks are eliminated. We definitely don't want none of them in that mix. So that rules out James Franklin, man.
When you say tough, I got to be in that conversation. I'm clean. I mean, I ain't got no marks on me. I don't know nobody else who can say that who came out of any sport. I ain't got no marks on me, so I've got to be the baddest dude I know of.
RR: You are indeed very scary, sir.
DFJ: Hey, you ever heard of Jim Brown?
DFJ: And you ever watched The Dirty Dozen? With Lee Marvin and that crazy Polish cat?
RR: Yes, I assume you bring that up because Jim Brown was in it?
DFJ: Don't assume to know nothing about me, because you assume one thing, and then I go upside of your head with my other hand, and then the only thing you assuming is your ass on the turf. Got that?
DFJ: All right. Now, I know everybody here thinks Jim Brown is a tough guy. Let me ask you something: did Jim Brown ever stop me from getting to that quarterback? No. Neither did James Franklin, or Al Golden, or any of your scrawny little coaches in the Big Ten, and they ain't gonna stop me from winning no Rose Bowls neither.
RR: That's a very strong point.
DFJ: Hell yeah it is. That's a good movie, though. Go in and they just kill all of them Nazis. That's the way I want to play defense. You beat up the offensive linemen first. Then you take all of the receivers, and the running backs, and the quarterback and you throw 'em all in a basement, and you pour gasoline and grenades on top of 'em, and you blow 'em all up. You think Johnny Manziel's gonna run for 300 yards and throw for 500 yards when he's dead? That's what I thought. That's what I did on defense. The quarterback was not alive at the end of them football games. All this Mark Gastineau, and all of this Michael Strahan talk, it's all just talk. They didn't kill no quarterbacks. I killed them. You kill the quarterback, and you win. I seen you people try to play Wisconsin in 2003 when Wisconsin killed your first two quarterbacks. You ain't winning no football games with Chris Ganter. And, [expletive], I'd kill that little dude too.
RR: Next question: do you believe in the Grand Experiment?
DFJ: Yes, because a big part of the Grand Experiment is being successful in football, and nothing is more important to being successful than making your opponents either dead or too close to death to play you no more.
RR: Good. One more question along more specific lines: do you believe in college football as a business first, or, more idealistically, as an instrument for academic excellence and so on?
DFJ: Football was something I could use as a black person in a racist part of the country, and I know there are enough young men out there who are interested in both integrity and killing the quarterback.
RR: What would your coaching philosophy be?
DFJ: Start with teaching 'em the necessity for controlled violence. Don't need no coddling, 'cause this game is all about violence. Then the fundamentals, tackling and all of that crap, 'cause that's the best way to produce the controlled violence. I'm all about the defense, and I think my results speak for themselves. I don't even like to think about coaching offense, because the thought of coaching quarterbacks is repugnant to me. And I'd recruit only the hardest core of the hard, man. Me plus my eleven guys on the field, we'd be the real Dirty Dozen.
RR: Lastly, what would your staff look like?
DFJ: Well, Merlin's dead now, so he can't coach the defensive line. So I'd be head coach, and I'd keep that Larry Johnson cat but I'd put special emphasis on adding brutality to your linemen, more than they got now. For linebacker coach, I'd pick one of them dudes from the '70s Steelers, since they were one of the few defenses that were like us Fearsome Foursome. I mean, they kept kicking ass for years just like we did. Jack Ham or Jack Lambert or something. For defensive backs, I'd hire Jack Tatum, because he's...
RR: Jack Tatum died in 2010.
DFJ: [expletive] Then I'd hire Rosey Grier, man. And that'd be my coaching staff.
RR: You didn't name anyone for offensive positions.
RR: You're hired.
RR: You're hired, sir.
DFJ: That's what I thought you said.
Straight up. Rest in peace, Mr. Jones.