by Chris Carl
Adam Shiftless of ESPN has tweeted that Penn State has interviewed Ben Karma for its vacant head coach position. Karma has graciously granted me an exclusive interview, which took place this morning in the Corner Room.
BSD: Hello, Mr. Karma. Just as you seemingly came out of nowhere to be one of BSD's favorite commentators, your name came out of nowhere as a coaching candidate. As you have neither any coaching, nor playing experience, what makes you feel qualified to coach a major college football team.
Ben Karma: Hello Chris Carl. I feel that I have gained the knowledge necessary for coaching just by closely watching games on tv. Great football minds such as Howard Cosell and Brent Musberger have given me more than enough to succeed.
BSD: For instance...
BK: One of my first moves as head coach will be to have the stadium announcer begin each game by saying, "You are looking LIVE at Beaver Stadium, home of the Pennsylvania State football Lions." This will be sure to whip the hometown fans into a frenzy, and will motivate our players to do their best on the field. I'll also see to it that all players are provided extremely attractive girlfriends. This will be invaluable in attracting recruits.
BSD: I see. One of the most important tasks for an incoming coach is hiring assistants. What is your strategy there?
BK: My theory is "if you can't beat 'em, hire 'em". I will contact the head coach of each team that beat us in the last three years, and offer them salaries they can't refuse. That way, I not only have a quality staff, but our toughest opponents must then replace successful coaches.
BSD: That could get expensive. Won't the trustees balk at dishing out that kind of money?
BK: Two words: Corporate. Sponsorship. Unless you're Oregon, you can't have third parties pay your recruits, but I haven't come across any rules about them paying your coaching staff. I'm thinking along the lines of "The Papa John's Pizza (tm) Tight Ends Coach Urban Meyer", and "BSD Wentworth (tm) Defensive Backs Coach George O'Leary". I'd also make sure that problems with communication between coaches on the field and those in the box are a thing of the past, and who would be better at bringing the two factions together than former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton?
BSD: How about recruiting?
BK: I'm sure those familiar with my posts already know my strategy there. I have a two-pronged aproach. First, I'm a big believer in foreign players. The more, the better. Think of a team filled with Tamba Hali/Tim Manoa/Jack Crawford types. Second, we need to think outside the football box, and look into athletes of other sports. I don't just mean the obvious track star/wide receiver combination. I'm already in talks with Katie Slay and Nia Grant for our field goal and extra point block units. It also doesn't need to be confined to sports. I'm thinking Blue Band members would be excellent on special teams. They'd have the discipline to stay in formation and not leave their assigned lanes.
BSD: Interesting theories. What about in-game management?
BK: Well, for one thing, I'd like our players to be polite to a fault. Not just to be fine ambassadors of the school, but it will help on the field, too. Saying "please", "thank you", and "have a nice day" will take the aggressive edge off of any opponent, and a well-placed "excuse me" may just open a hole for our running backs at a crucial point of the game. I'm also detail-oriented. From making sure helmets fit properly so they don't slip down & cover our players eyes, to using advanced statistical analysis like comparing our passing game against Syracuse to the Ravens passing game in last year's
Super Bowl "Big Game". Nothing will get past this keen intellect.
BSD: Well, thank you for your time, and good luck in your quest to become Penn State's next head coach. Any final thoughts?
BK: Yes. To win in the Big
Twelve Fourteen, a coach can't just sit around waiting for success to come to him (or her). You need a fire in your belly. All my life I've been eating jalapenos and working hard to succeed, and I won't sit on my laurels once I get the job.