What an incredibly boring Tuesday. We're digging deep for links. Here is all the most important world news, at your fingertips.
Daily Foosball Link
Frank Bodani of the York Daily Record gives you 7 players to watch this spring.
One of the biggest adjustments to the new foosball staff has been accessibility via innernets. Here's Herb Hand doing something called an AMA reddit.
DJ Newbill made 2nd Team All Big Ten, and Timmy is on the 3rd Team. PSU lands the 10-seed at the upcoming Big Ten shootyhoops tournament, and will face Minnesota.
#5 Penn State lacrosse dropped a road game at #9 Denver, 15-11, ending their 14-game road winning streak. Penn State must kick tail all season long to get an at-large invitation to NCAAs because they've been banned from the Colonial Athletic Association end of season tournament - and thus, excluded from the NCAA automatic bid process - because they're set to join Jim Delany's shiny new Lax conference next season. Very gracious of you, CAA.
Aaaaaannndd that wraps up our sports news.
This Week In Blatant Stupidity
Cry Me A Freaking River
Programmer defines "real programmer"; confuses self with circular logic.
A Real Programmer is someone who loves programming! They love it so much that it's what they spend all their time doing. In fact, a Real Programmer loves programming so much that they're happy just to have the chance to do it. Paying them is just a formality because the Real Programmer doesn't really consider it "work". You know a programmer isn't a Real Programmer when they don't volunteer to work 60 to 80 hour weeks (for no extra monetary compensation, remember) because it's "fun". All they really need in thanks is a company t-shirt and the occasional slice of pizza on those late nights.
Boo freaking hoo. This guy obviously sucks balls at programming, and life in general. Do. Not. Hire.
"'They make me work 50 hours a week, Bluto. Life isn't fair.' Well not me!" Wait - wrong script.
Don't Get Arrested in Burlington County, NJ
There, they'll strap a 75-year old homeless man in a "turtle suit", let him lay in his own urine and feces for five days, then he dies. Then, they disdain CPR because of the smell, and only attempt defibrulation after rigor mortis has already set in.
Buy Wal-Mart Steak
Take a guess where you can buy LSD steak? Haven't heard of it? That would be steak tainted with the drug LSD. Lucy In the Sky, With Diamonds. There are really only two choices: an Arkansas Quik-Stop, or a Florida Wal-Mart. Which would you choose?
If you guessed a Florida Wal-Mart, you win the prize. You prepare your sirloin au poivre, and your hands begin to grow twigs, and your dog starts barking the alphabet.
Change We Can Believe In
Lou Farrakhan - I can't believe he's still alive? - has requested President Obama open the top secret "Area 51", and reveal what he calls "the Mother Wheel", a galactic UFO which he claims is "the size of a city". Once released, the mighty Mother Wheel "will rain destruction upon white America, but save those who embrace the Nation of Islam". High-five, Lou. Can't trust whitey.
Tangential, But Related
Other leaders of Islam, exclusive of Dr. Lou, have issued a new fatwa banning one-way travel to Mars, as it would likely result in death for no righteous reason. Air Arabia will be issuing refunds to 6.5 million pre-paid customers.
Those Aussies, Man
Have you ever partied with Australians? If you have not yet enjoyed this privilege, let me warn you: you better wear your big boy pants. Those boys can flat out roll - even the little ones. Night turns into day turns into night - and they're still going. Nothing gets in their way, including venomous snakes.
Chris Polak, Snorkeler
You head to the island(s) for spring break, grab a charter, and head out for some snorkeling. But what if your captain is black out drunk, and leaves you in the middle of the ocean?
Spacebook, Tweeters, Bunch of Fighters
Bill O'Brien would not approve of this bank robber.
Creative Titles Get You SwH Time
I could not care less about this dude's Top 10 NYC bars. But, he works a creative title, and mentions Brennivin Schnapps, which he describes thusly:
"like Vicks vapor rub poured in cold gin equaling the medicine you don't need, but want."
That alone makes it SwH worthy. I didn't read the rest of the article, though, so let me know if it's any good in the comments.