The Rutgers Gaff (If It Were an Episode of Seinfeld)

*Note that this was a weird idea that popped into my head and is stictly done for fun. Also I get to kind of poke fun at Rutgers, which is nice.*

Shot of Jerry and George sitting at their usual booth in Monk's Diner

George: Jerry, I gotta say, things are finally looking up for me. Everything is coming up Costanza!

Jerry: Right. And why is that again?

George: The job, Jerry, the job!

Jerry: The job?

George: Yes, the job! The Rutgers job! They love me over there ever since I did that thing.

Jerry: Ahhh, the thing.

George: Yes! The thing. Getting Rutgers into the Big Ten was a hell of a thing!

Jerry: And how exactly did you pull that off?

George (waving his hand dismissively): I just told those Big Ten guys it would get them the New York TV market. I put together some graphs and pie charts into my report and they bought it.

Jerry: The New York market?

George: I know! And they believed it Jerry! And now they gave me a brand new office and I'm working on another thing.

Jerry: Another thing?

George: Yes, another thing. This one is easy though. Its just putting together the Rutgers commencement ceremony. Most of the work is already done. The stage is built, the speakers are set. I just get to kick my legs up and reap the rewards. (George puts his hands behind his head and flashes a weaselish grin)

Jerry: So who's the commencement speaker. You arent going to try to rope me into this, are you?

George: No, no, no. Its some guy I've never heard of. Eric Lay

Jerry: Oh, Eric LeGrand? The wheelchair guy. Yeah, he'll be great.

George (looking concerned): ...the wheelchair guy?

Jerry: Yeah, the wheelchair guy. He was playing football and got injured. Doctors said he might not even live but now he's in a wheelchair and giving motivational speeches. He should be really good.

George: Oh no...Nononononono. This can't be happening. NO!

Jerry: What? What is it?

George: Jerry, the stage is already set up.

Jerry: So?

George: There's no wheelchair access to the stage! He cant get up there to give his speech! This is terrible. I'm going to look completely insensitive to handicapped people now. Who invites the guy in a wheelchair to speak at commencement anyways?

Jerry: Well he was a former Rutgers player and a pretty big media sensation because of his injury. You work for Rutgers, shouldn't you know who he is? He's relatively well known!

George: No one actually watches Rutgers!

Jerry: So whats the big deal? Just build him a ramp or something.

George: I can't!

Jerry: Why not? Just have someone build him a ramp.

George: The commencement budget is out of money, thats why I cant build him a ramp.

Jerry: You're out of money? What did you spend it on?

George: ...I may have taken the leftover money from the budget and bought...a new chair.

Jerry: A new chair?

George: Yes, a new chair.

Jerry: Well give the chair back and use the money to build a ramp!

George: No way, Jerry! No way! That's the most comfortable chair I've ever sat in. Its got the ergonomic lumbar support!

Jerry: Lumbar support? You're going to embarrass a man in a wheelchair over lumbar support? You dont even know what a lumbar is!

George: It doesnt matter, I'm not giving up the chair! And I couldnt even if I wanted to, the store doesnt do returns. I'll just have to think of something else.

(George pensively looks down at the table. Elaine enters and sits down at the table.)

Elaine: What's his deal?

Jerry: That paralyzed football player is speaking for his Rutgers thing and cant get on the stage because there's no wheelchair access.

Elaine: So why not build a ramp?

Jerry: He spent all the money on a chair and cant afford to build the ramp.

Elaine: A chair?


(Jerry shrugs his shoulders as he and Elaine share a look)

George, clapping his hands together: Ha! I"ve got it. I'll just tell him we got another speaker and we have to cancel him.

Elaine: Yeah, that will work. Besides who has a football player speak at commencement?

Jerry: He's relatively well known!

Elaine: Well no one actually watches Rutgers!

Jerry: I dont know George, people are going to be pretty mad with you if you cancel on him.

George: Ah, you're right. I'll have to think of something else.

Elaine: Well why dont you just have someone else tell him?

George: What do you mean?

Elaine: Have someone else call him and tell him he cant speak, that way any blame falls on them. I do it all the time at work.

Jerry: Thats very mature.

Elaine: Well it works. Just pick someone everyone already doesnt like. That way everyone will want to blame them.

George: Thats perfect! I know just the person too. The athletic director..whats her name...Hermann! I'll just have her call because she knows Eric better than me.

Jerry: And everyone already hates her?

George: Do they!? Of course they do! This could actually work. Thank you Elaine!

(George runs out as Elaine gives Jerry a cocky "I told you so" look)

Cut to next day in Jerry's apartment

Jerry: Oh man, have you read the papers? This Rutgers thing is all over the place. People are not happy.

Elaine: I knew this was a bad idea.

(Jerry gives an incredulous look at Elaine as George walks in)


Jerry: Yeah I can see that.

George: I dont know why I even listened to you, Elaine. This idea was terrible. How am I going to fix this now?

Jerry: Well can't you just invite him back?

George: I dis-invited him, I cant just invite him back....or can I?

Elaine: I dont know, George.

George: Sure, sure I can. I didnt dis-invite him, Hermann did. I can just call him and say it was all a mix up. Tell him she made the mistake. Then I look like the hero who fixes everything. Yeah, this could work.

Jerry: Well what about the ramp?

George: Forget about the ramp! I'll carry him up the stairs myself if I have to.

(Kramer busts in through the door)

Kramer: Hey George, why did Rutgers cancel LeGrand from speaking at commencement? People LOVE listening to that guy!

George, Jerry, Elaine together: No one actually watches Rutgers, Kramer!


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