I'M AFRAID I'VE GOT SOME BAD NEWS: Indiana Edition

"GOD DAMMIT WHO PUT THE PEANUT BUTTER ON THE TOP SHELF?" - Pat Lovell-USA TODAY Sports

Our bi-weekly series telling you why Penn State will beat each and every one of its opponents this year continues with Indiana, who by the time you finish reading this sentence, will have already allowed 359 yards and 24 points.

How the hell did we lose to Indiana last year? No, seriously, Indiana sucked, we didn't suck, and when you add those two together, Penn State should have won. Hell, Penn State should have at least been competitive. But that's why last year's game in Bloomington was so brutal.

Indiana, which allowed 38.8 points per game on the year, beat Penn State, 44-24. It was Indiana's second best defensive effort of the season. Navy and Indiana State -- which is an FCS school, for christ's sake -- score more points on IU than PSU. Christian Hackenberg threw the ball 55 times. Penn State couldn't run the ball effectively. Its defense couldn't stop that weird horse bscaff made up because he couldn't think of anyone notable who wore No. 60 Old Coaly from rumblin' and bumblin' and stumblin'.

Luckily, Penn State learned from last year's abomination. Penn State knows what it needs to do to beat Indiana in Indiana again, which Bill says is "one of the weirdest environments ever, because the stadium is beautiful, the pregame intro for the team is awesome, and the crowd is like one of those psychotic USA soccer crowds ESPN kept showing, only the exact opposite." AND YOU KNOW WHAT, INDIANA? YOU KNOW WHAT?

YOU, INDIANA, WILL NOT BEAT PENN STATE IN 2014.

Here's the thing with Indiana: its offense is legitimately terrifying. Sure, it lost wide receiver Cody Lattimer, who may have been the most underrated WR in America last year, but Indiana need not worry.

*PFT Commenter hijacks the article for a sentence*

QuarterBack Nate Sudfeld aught 2 be calld nate STUDfeld imho

*Back to normal*

Sudfeld got jerked around in an unfair QB battle with Tre Roberson last year. It was unfair because Sudfeld is better than Roberson, who transferred. The keys are in Sudfeld's hands, and it would be surprising if he didn't do something impressive behind the wheel of this well-oiled machine.

The Hoosiers also feature running back Tevin Coleman, who is also really good. The problem is he's carrying most of the load this year, as opposed to handling things with Stephen Houston, who is now a New England Patriot.

*PFT Commenter comes back*

mayb he should cal him self Stev NEW ENGLAND

*Back to normal again*

Indiana will need to replace its top two receivers and its top tight end, but we're willing to bet that its offense will be fine. Its defense...uh...

Yeah. It's bad. Here are some numbers:

  • 117th: Indiana's rank among FBS teams in terms of points per game allowed in 2013
  • 38.8: Amount of points per game Indiana allowed last year
  • 113th: Indiana's rank among FBS teams in terms of 3rd down defense in 2013
  • 46.5 percent: Percentage of third downs defenses converted
  • 115th, 118th: Indiana's rank among FBS teams in terms of rushing and passing defense in 2013
  • 237.8, 290.2: Rushing and passing yards allowed per game by Indiana last year
Holy shit that's brutal. A litter of starving kittens would do better. Yeah, I know, this is usually where Bill or I would make the "another year of experience" thing, but DID YOU LOOK AT THOSE NUMBERS GOOD LORD I WOULD LIKE TO CHEW ON SOME ALUMINUM FOIL THAT WOULD BE LESS PAINFUL *gets hit by a bus*.

After learning what Indiana wants to do on offense and defense last year, Penn State will be prepared. While Indiana will have a sense for what Penn State will want to do after nearly a full season of James Franklin, it still won't totally know what to expect. I'm expecting a beatdown, something like 42-17, Penn State.

Worst comes to worst, we can just play them in basketball again.

WHO ELSE IS PENN STATE BEATING IN 2014?

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