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The greatest triumph in the history of Western civilization!

I'm not even sure how to start this piece of writing.

Let me start with my intent. My intention is to talk about the greatest video ever created. In 50 seconds, it says more than I may ever say in my whole life, or you in yours. Let us begin.

The following video was posted by Cari in her "Only Jack Ham Until Penn State Football" entry - WARNING CONTAINS STRONG AND GRAPHIC CONTENT OF OPPONENTS BEING MURDERED IN COLD BLOOD, EVEN THOUGH IT STILL KINDA WAS THEIR FAULT FOR AGREEING TO PLAY US:


Link to YouTube page for video

Much as Dante was inspired by Virgil, I will admit that I was inspired by the great Down Goes Brown.

With no further adieu...

0:00: We begin with a five-second cut of The Old Man, in his greasy-haired prime, running his hand through his hair slowly. You would be tempted to think that he was doing this to remind himself of the old days with Sue, when he would read Camus with her while running his hand through his hair dramatically and poignantly. Wrong. The Old Man is actually doing this merely because it is a signal. He is signalling his legions of free but trained men to "play football." As we shall soon see, to their opponents, this does not look like "play", this horrible organized violence. Meanwhile, the announcer intones, "For Penn State's coach Joe Paterno, defense was the name of the game." Indeed, sir.

0:05: I cannot recognize the Penn State player in question here, though the game appears to be one of the ones we played against Tennessee in 1971 and 1972. What stands out here is that this scene is almost exactly like the scene in Remember the Titans, where Julius Campbell advises the fallen quarterback, "You better make yourself comfortable down there....real comfortable." As for this Penn State player, I submit that we take this video and turn it into some sort of statue or other piece of art. We should call it the Memorial to the Unknown Penn State Defender.

Meanwhile, since this is a video from the 80s or 70s, the soundtrack is bitching. Football highlight video music used to be killer, son.

0:08: This is the first play that makes me all tingly inside. Temple's first and biggest mistake was to take the field against the Penn State defense. Sometimes, though, life is not merciful, for life allowed Temple to make more mistakes. They chose for their next mistake the idea of running the ball. Since we can't see the beginning of this play, it looks like one of those things from Madden NFL where one turns off the offsides penalties and puts guys in the backfield before the snap just for fun. The tailback has received the ball and is already being pounded into submission by two Penn Staters. Meanwhile, as if to remind him that things could always be worse, Jack Ham is seen bringing his 33rd Level of Destruction and Form-Tackling Despair to the table. Thankfully, the back hits the ground before Dobre Shunka could arrive, thus saving Ham from a criminal charge of assault with a deadly weapon [himself].

Before we move on, I should note a few things. First, the two Penn Staters arrive, make contact, and wrap up their opponent, by my judgment, at the exact same instant. Ask any Penn State defender from any part of the Paterno era and they will tell you that The Old Man always, always, always screamed, "GET TO THE BALL!" They have done this. And they have done it collectively. Second, note how fluid and sensible is this tackle. No. 98 does most of the heavy lifting on this one. See how he starts high and switches off to a double leg. My God, football becomes wrestling. I can see it now. My God, thank you, father, thank you for this moment. Finally, the end result for the Temple tailback is, simply enough, the strange feeling of being eternally nothing more than a tidbit in a Penn State defensive highlight video. Maybe he lived a full life, but that was the peak of his football career. If I were him, I'd be honored.

GRAPHIC CONTENT AHEAD

0:13: I don't know if there are words for this one. The protagonist of this clip is one Bruce Clark. Bruce Clark was one of the meanest, nastiest, sickest, filthiest (in a good way), low-down (in a good way), down home, powerful, dominant, hellacious, horrifying, violent, Paternoian people to ever play the game of football. Here, he defeats the blocker (you can see this if you look really carefully; unlike the Tamba hit on Brasic, someone actually tried to block Clark on this play - this did not work) and commits murder in the first degree against the quarterback (rest in peace, sir). It was premeditated, it was brutal, and it was absolutely awesome. The best part is how the quarterback coughs up the ball (safety, PSU). Obviously rigor mortis had yet to set in.

Check that. No, the best part is that Clark wasn't like some damn fool just gunning for a big hit. He wasn't out to hit the man, he was out to tackle him. It's perfect form; look at how Clark still puts his weight down on the lifeless corpse to ensure that the corpse can't get away.

0:17: Mike Reid, breathing heavy from the fumes of all of the humans he has reduced to corpses on the field of play, takes his helmet off, probably so he can write down a sublime piece of music that has popped into his head. He is Mike Reid. He is an incomparable man.

0:22: Much like you and I, Dennis Onkotz breathes. Unlike you and I, Dennis Onkotz makes breathing look remarkably cool.

0:24: OH MY GOD NOW WE GET TO THE LINEBACKERS

IT'S JACK HAM

The first thing he does is bounce off a blocking offensive lineman. Jack Ham is the USS Missouri, and the offensive lineman, despite his considerable size advantage, is attempting to sink the USS Missouri with a water pistol.

The Missouri sails on.

The Missouri hears the Brooklyn voice in its head: GET TO THE BALL GET TO THE BALL GET TO THE BALL

The Missouri flows through traffic. It speaks up speed. Seriously, look at that closing speed! Dobre Shunka was so fast, man!

The Missouri finds the ball carrier. The ball carrier looks like a deer being tackled and devoured by a mountain lion. Really, the ball carrier is a deer being killed by a mountain lion. Of course, no mountain lion has the endurance and fearlessness of the battleship/F-15-at-mach-two that is DOBRE SHUNKA

Here is a picture of Ham flying like a P-51 Mustang descending from the clouds upon an unsuspecting German road convoy:

Jack_ham_1978_09_10_medium

0:28: Next victim! West Virginia, in their old ugly, ugly uniforms before Don Nehlen came along. Note to Old West Virginia: you're doing the plain uniform thing badly.

Anyway, judging from the play, it appears that WVU lined up in a very heavy formation, for I see at least two backs crashing into the line in front of the ball carrier. These two "blockers" are swallowed alive. Look at them! I'm not even sure what happened to the one man! Do you think he was actually absorbed into the white jerseys? Did he cease to exist as a being? Probably!

Matter is indestructible unless it was trying to run the ball against Penn State. Bad idea, matter. You hoser.

Your Glorious Destroyers here, by the way, are Denny Onkotz (#35) and Steve Smear (#76), combining for a mean and nasty and vicious and wonderful stop. The fact that Onkotz was this far in the backfield (and so soon!), cleared of any blockers, and tackling his opponent with stoutness and energy tells you all you need to know about his abilities as a Mike linebacker. He was helped, of course, by the fact that Steve Smear and Mike Reid were like trees: breathing in blockers and exhaling them into the atmosphere as oxygen.

There is no better friend for the environment than an old school interior defensive lineman.

0:34: Next victim! The Tigers of Louisiana State! On this play, Ed O'Neil reads his set-up well, gets the cue, and performs a simply lovely tackle. He wasn't in the best position initially, but arrests the enemy's forward motion really nicely by the ankles. I like this play. And man, did he read it well. Ed O'Neil, I know you get lost in the grand picture of Penn State's countless All-American and generally superb linebackers, but I like you.

0:40: Oh, but we are not done with Mr. O'Neil! Dear Lord, is this play manly! The opponent seems to be trying some sort of short yard conversion. Good luck, challengers. First, O'Neil delivers a painful blow to a fullback-type thing who was foolish enough to try that idiotic idea called a "block." Then, he immediately gets back to business. There's that Brooklyn voice again. The ball. Get to it! O'Neil meets the back as he jumps towards the goal, and arrests his progress long enough for the Penn Staters to gather together and rip off his legs and smother him to death (seriously, I think the one guy is actually smothering him to death there at the end).

In addition to losing his legs and being smothered to death, the running back failed to gain a first down.

I really do like Ed O'Neil!

0:44: We close with a beautiful defense of the veer option, featuring Charlie Zapiec, Buddy Ellis, and Gary Gray.

Zapiec takes on the quarterback, as a fullback whiffs badly on an attempted block. I can't blame the fullback, though. As we have seen so far, people who attempt to block Nittany Lions in this video meet one of two choice fates: 1) Their existence as a material being is destroyed forever. 2) They survive, but fail to stop the onrushing Lions and suffer grotesque pain that is possibly beyond normal human limitations.

The fullback here therefore wisely chooses the moderate course of not really trying at all.

Anyway, Zapiec, for his part, pounds the quarterback into the dirt. Look at how hard his face hits the ground. Ouch. The quarterback manages to pitch the ball, which is where things get really fun.

This is where the video becomes truly perfect, because it ends not with a touchdown, or something flashy, or whatever. It ends with one last example of the result of so many hours of that whiny voice rasping out....

Say it with me, folks:

GET TO THE BALL!

Ellis and Gray make the tackle.

By the way, Buddy Ellis just screams "Don't call me Buddy, pal." Look at that face. I ain't throwing the ball against him.

Actually, you ain't running the ball against him either. You're not doing anything against him either.

Penn State football will live forever in my heart for things like this.

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