j leman Stories - Black Shoe Diaries
On Tap: Your Friday Drinking Instructions and the Vengance of a Wrathful Beer Lover
(Intro and Warning- A little while ago my esteemed colleague, friend and co-writer Mr. Beauford Bixel posted a lengthy aside on beer, blogging, and the American way. Part of that posting including calling me out on my beer-snobbery. In fact, he called me un-American because I like beer with taste....
The Second Gunman
Perhaps you saw this picture in the Sunday Quad-City Times. It's a picture of a jubilant Ricky Stanzi, celebrating on the Kinnick Stadium turf after beating the once-undefeated Penn State Nittany Lions. Or, at least that is what you were told. The truth is out there. It explains how a...
The Zook Murders: Escalation, Climax, Denouement
Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 In a motel room in Florida. A helicopter is parked above room 206. Wow, that was the best sex ever! It was good. Good like America. J's gotta sleep now. But I want to talk to you and run my fingers through your luscious, flowing, All-American mullet! ...
The Zook Murders: Part 4
Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 Uncle Bob's Self Storage. Pensacola, Florida. Leman? Kill Bobert Um, Leman? Listen, I really liked your work in Freedom Squad and all... Must complete mission. Kill the smelless. ...but Leman? We're AWOL. We're going to be scrubbing toilets for weeks if we...
The Zook Murders: Part 2
Part 1 | Part 2 In the back room of a Gary, Indiana strip club, two men and a man-turned-leg stand around a pool table... ...So I had Ron Powlus hanging upside down over the balcony, and all the change is falling out of his pockets... HUR HUR HUR HUR HUR HUR ...and a nickel falls 18 floors,...
The Zook Murders: Part 1
...were called to a storage unit at Uncle Bob's Self Storage here in Pensacola after a customer noticed what seemed to be blood seeping from the shed door. What they found was a murder. Police say Bobert Zook, 49, was actually residing in the shed, as a waiting room chair, a mattress, and several...
J LEMAN SAVES THE WORLD, PART 5: THE PART WITH THE MOVIE
Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 When we last left our hero... The Chaiwman didn't say you courd hatch any prans, Coach. As rong as we're got the guns, you wirr do as Mao terrs you to-- Two reports of a silenced gun ring out, and the armed guards slump to the ground. They're dead! But......
J LEMAN SAVES THE WORLD, PART 4: THE RELEMANING
Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 Scene: On the outskirts of the forested Chinese wilderness. Beijing's lights burn brightly miles away. One tall Chinaman leads a dozen Americans up toward a wooded area. Right over here, gentremen! Ouw finest weweworf ninjas! NO. WAY. No way! That's just a patch of...
J LEMAN SAVES THE WORLD, PART 3
Part 1 | Part 2 The basketball teams are locked in intense battle! TWEET! FOUL! on who That is a foul on Yao. FOUW ON YAO?! Yessir, foul on Yao. HOW YAO FOUW?! NO FOUW ON YAO You clearly hacked the living shit out of Bosh. Anyway, that's five. You're done. NOW YAO FOUW...
J LEMAN SAVES THE WORLD, PART 1
Scene: Los Angeles airport. The USA basketball team boards a private jet to go to Beijing. A security guard takes count. All right, Kobe's here... morning, Dwight... and that's Lebron in back. Good. Quick head count here... there's Coach K... Hang on, Coach. We've got one too many. Security?...
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