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Fire Mark May Roundtable

There's very little news today, so that means you all get treated to hearing my stupid opinions. I'm a little late at taking a seat at Fire Mark May's roundtable, but better late than never I guess.

Give the more zealous portion of your fanbase a religion. What's this cult following? Feel free to give the splitters a derogatory nickname.

Penn State has this crazy wing of paranoid conspiracy theorists. They are absolutely convinced that the Big Ten invited us into the conference so they had more control over us to allow Michigan and Ohio State to win more National Championships. They are convinced that all of the Big Ten officials live in Ann Arbor and donate money to Michigan. They point to Tony Johnson's catch that was called out of bounds in 2002 and the famous 0:02 seconds in 2005 as their evidence. They are a kooky bunch that make the rest of us sound like whiny bitches.

Your biggest rival is in town, and College Gameday is your citaaaaaaay... Create a blatant corporate sellout promotion to appeal to the mass unwashed.

Rival? What is this r-i-v-a-l thing you speak of? Penn State hasn't had a real rival since we ended the Pitt series in the 1990's. If we were to renew the Pitt rivalry I would have to sell some Groucho Marx glasses. There has got to be some money in Dave Wannstedt's mustache.


Add one local delicacy to your stadium's concessions. Post-tax pricing is optional.

Without a doubt, World Famous Grilled Stickies from Ye Ole College Diner. Nothing sticks to your ribs better than a sticky bun soaked in butter and fried on the grill. And just in case you need more fat and cholesterol, don't forget to ask for it ala mode and they'll put a heaping scoop of vanilla ice cream on top of it. Best if served at 3 AM after an evening of drinking two dollar pints and shots of Jagermeister at the Rathskellar.

For those coming to Happy Valley for a game make sure you stop at Denny's Beer Barrel Pub in Clearfield, PA just off of I-80 about an hour before you get to State College. Denny's is home to the 15 pound hamburger. If you can finish it in three hours you get it for free. But you won't see Charlie Weis there after the game. Rumor has it he stopped in on a recruiting visit and Denny asked him not to come back again. They don't sell them in Beaver Stadium. Too bad because you could probably feed your entire section with it.

a.k.a. - The Weis Burger

With an unlimited AD budget, add or subtract one thing to your school's gameday experience that has nothing to do with football.

I've been saying this for years. Could somebody please pave the roads getting in and out of the friggin' parking lots at the stadium? Some of the trenches in those roads I swear must be 25 years in the making. It's like trying to cross the friggin' grand canyon! Seriously, Evil Knievil could put on a show jumping across them in his rocket fueled Harley. And while you're at it, how about mowing the grass the week before the home opener? What exactly am I buying when I pay ten bucks to park there?

General NCAA questions

Coin a hilariously unrealistic stereotype that you would like to "make stick" for this upcoming season.

Ohio State fans are direct descendents of the Vandals, the eastern European tribe that sacked the Roman Empire in 455 AD.

Redesign your conference or independent schedule with reckless abandon. Be prepared to include compensation for jilted schools and conferences in your explanation.

Notre Dame is dragged into the Big Ten kicking and screaming to give us 12 teams. Northwestern gets exiled to the MAC and Pitt takes their place. Then those whiny Panther bitches get their home and home with Penn State. They'll sell out their home games when opposing Big Ten teams buy up any leftover tickets. That way they don't have to triple charge PSU fans and everyone is happy.

Following up on your new realignment, blow up the BCS and devise a national playoff system, money grabs and missed exams be damned. Using your new fantasy conferences is optional.

I would create an eight team playoff. Take the conference champions from the six BCS conferences and two at-large teams. No independents allowed to push Notre Dame down the road of evil conference affiliation. Mu-ha-ha-ha!

Elect one public figure to replace NCAA president Myles Brand. Anyone with proper name recognition is eligible.

I elect Joe Paterno! Could you imagine? Guarantee there would be no more text messaging. Probably no more headsets on the sideline either. Coaching staffs found guilty of NCAA violations would have to clean their stadiums after every home game. Pitt would never get a home and home series...with anyone! All the sidelines would be equipped with Job Johns. But I guarantee you one thing...we would have a playoff system right quick, son!