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State of the Nation Address

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The following is an NBC News special report from the President of the United Nitts of America. Here is Brian Williams.

Good evening. We're five days removed from the events of September 22 and the Nittany Nation is in turmoil still trying to pick up the pieces of a once promising season ruined. The President of the United Nitts has called members of Congress back from recess in a highly rare event. For more on what to expect tonight we turn to NBC's host of Meet the Press, Tim Russert.

Good evening, Brian. As you said, the nation is in turmoil this week. This is extremely rare for the President to call the Congress back from their 235 day recess. These are the types of events that absolutely give me goosebumps. If you could look under this desk you would see I'm not wearing any pants and I'm very excited about this.

There is a lot of finger pointing and dissention among the ranks. Many people feel a change at the top is necessary. Many people are saying we should pull out of this war entirely and give up. Hope has been lost and it's up to the President to restore it. With calls for changes at the highest levels of the program gaining strength this may be the most important speech of his presidency. I see he is making his way to the podium so let's go down to the floor of the House now.

Madam Speaker, the President of the United Nitts

Good evening Madam Speaker, Mr. Vice President, members of the Congress, the Cabinet, and distinguished guests. The state of our nation is shaken.

(Low murmur from the crowd)

My fellow Nittany Lions, September 22 is a day that will live in infamy. We were unprepared for the great threat in the West. Looking back we saw the warning signs were there, but we chose to ignore them. We chose to ignore the fact we had lost eight games in a row to the Wolverines. We chose to ignore the fact that our coaches play overly conservative on the road. We ignored the gameplans of Appalachian State and Oregon thinking we had a better way. We were taken by surprise and we were defeated.

Where have you gone, Michael Robinson? A lonely nation turns its eyes to you. Woo woo woo. God bless you please, Michael Robinson. Heaven holds a place for those who play. Hey hey hey. Hey hey hey.

Today we are left to pick up the pieces and look for answers. Answers aren't always easy to come by. Many fans have lost interest in the rest of the season. Many fans have vowed never to come back until a new coaching staff is in place.

(Half the room rises in applause)

But...

(Applause continues. A few smattering boos come from the other side of the aisle.)

But there is still work to be done. We cannot continue to look backward.

(Applause)

Need I remind you we lost to Michigan in 2005 and still won the conference? Need I remind you that in the past ten years only four teams have gone undefeated in conference play? There is still hope. We cannot give up. We can never give up.

(Applause)

There will be a time and place to discuss coaching changes, but now, in the middle of the season, is not one of them. There are still many battles to fight. There are evil doers out there hiding like Badgers in caves planning ways to do us harm. We must turn over every rock and search in every hole. We must rise up and we must defeat them.

(Thunderous applause)

And we must never turn away from the War on Sweatervests. They are a formidable opponent, but we can beat them on our own soil. And beat them we must.

(Applause)

For now there is an immediate threat to the west that we must address. It is the University of Illinois. They are a growing danger. Their leader, Ron Zook, has been assembling weapons of mass destruction despite the wishes of the international community. Our intelligence has learned he has already assembled 210 lbs of Mendenhall, 220 lbs of Juice, and 210 lbs of Arrelious Benn.

(Gasps from the crowd)

We cannot ignore this growing danger any longer. They nearly upset us in Happy Valley last year. This year we must go to their soil and fight. I'm calling on the Big Ten community to address this threat. But heed my warning. If they don't act, we will.

(Standing ovation)

There are several changes I call on for the coaches to institue immediately. One, tell the kids to have some fun. They are playing too uptight. They are more worried about making mistakes than they are about winning the game. Let them go out and have fun. Open up the playbook and get a little crazy.

(Applause)

The time has come up to cut our losses and bench seniors that do not perform. Because I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way. Show them all the beauty they possess inside. Give them a sense of pride to make it easier. Let the children's laughter remind us how we used to be.

We must come to the realization that Austin Scott is a bust. He has never lived up to the lofty expectations he brought with him from high school. He hesitates in the hole. He can't catch a pass and he can't hang on to the ball. Rodney Kinlaw has proven to be a worthy replacement. We also have Stefphon Green in reserve. I'm calling on the coaches to strip Green of his redshirt and get him the ball. His game breaking ability is exactly what this offense needs.

(Standing Ovation)

I'm not yet ready to give up on Anthony Morelli.

(Boos from the back of the room)

Now now. Morelli gives us our best chance to win right now. But we must plan for the future as well. We were not wise to blow Morelli's redshirt. And we were not smart in developing him as a quarterback his first two years. We must never make this mistake again. Pat Devlin must see meaningful snaps to prepare for the future. That's why I'm introducing a bill to the congress demanding he see at least one series in every game.

(Applause)

And in games against Indiana, Purdue, Temple, and Michigan State he should see two series.

(Applause)

It will not be easy to fight this great war. Our enemies are smart. They learn from our tendencies and adapt. They study us looking for weaknesses to exploit. They feed on our fear and terrorize our hope.  I call on the coaches, players and all of Nittany Nation to stay vigilant.

I know we want to point fingers. I know there are those who want to give up. But we must stay the course. We can never give up. There are still eight games to play and nothing has been decided. We can still go on to have a great season. But we must be united. A divided house cannot stand. It's time you ask yourself not what your team can do for you, but rather what can you do for your team.

(Standing Ovation)

With eight games to go we must forget the petty bickering. There is little shame in losing to Michigan on the road by five points. We cannot keep looking backward or else we will not see the obstacles coming ahead. When the season is over we can discuss coaching changes. For now we must support our team win or lose.

(Applause)

May God bless you. And may God bless the United Nitts of America. Goodnight.